My journey so far

[Papa Coco]

Little2Nothing,

I feel you. What you're expressing here about the chronic loneliness and the desire to be touched deep down in your soul. I know that feeling well. It's trauma. I know it feels like you're alone, but I'm alone right next to you in our writing.

I have this quote I use all the time "I write to discover what I know" by Flannery O'Connor. Writing is so helpful. Like you, I get tongue tied when I speak verbally. I get nervous and my consciousness leaves my gut and heart and rises to the top of my head. My voice raises to a higher register, and I end up sounding like a crazy person. I have this terror that I won't be believed or that I'll be cut off before I can finish, so I try to say everything all at once. But when I write, I can take my time. Organize my thoughts. I end up learning about myself through what I write.

I have a book here that was recommended to me called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. When I first started reading the paperback and listening to the audiobook (I do both. I learn visually and audibly), I thought it might be kind of a silly book. But by really listening to the audiobook over and over, I began to truly appreciate that I have the right to be creative. And I have the ability. And I have valid reasons for why I thought I didn't. It's a book I recommend to anyone who's struggling with feeling like they don't have the right to express in their own artful way. Art happens in anything. Art can be in cooking, writing, singing, painting, photography, sand sculptures...almost anything is done better when it's done in an artful way, and this book opened me up to accepting that I have the right to express myself. It moved me another mile forward in my lifelong journey of healing.

When I discover artists who move me, I pretty much always find that they are people who have come from struggle. A happy-go-lucky person can learn to write, but a tortured soul can put life into words. Life that people can feel and learn from. There are writers and there are artists. From what I read of your posts, you are more of an artist. Your words move me.

I'm sorry if I come on sounding kind of syrupy. But when people share their inner souls through any form of expression, I feel it deep down and can't stop myself from at least expressing to that person how much I enjoy accepting what they are offering. I live half of my life in a coastal community filled with local artists. Many of them are just run-of-the-mill hobbyists, but the really, truly good ones are those who are working out their pain by sharing it with the world through whatever expression they feel compelled to express. I see this as the difference between a hobby and a calling.

Thank you for sharing your poems. I like this one you just shared also. I feel the energy that you put into them. It feels like a connection. I live for connection. I'm so tired of feeling alone. That's art. It connects people who are open to be connected with.

[Little2Nothing]

Thanks Papa Coco. That book sounds interesting I am going to look for it. 

I tend to get lost in my writing. Everything fades to the background and, if the subject is deeply felt, I am exhilarated as the thoughts take shape. In a way it frees me from the bondage of trauma for the briefest moment. In that moment I am able to feel like I am worth something. 

[Little2Nothing]

**Trigger Warning**

I wrote this poem several months ago. It expresses how I felt at the time, although I trust that I will triumph over my past eventually. Thanks for reading it.

I'm not sure what happened, but I couldn't get spaces between the verses. 

Look back old man

At squandered years

Filled with dark dismay

Your ripened fruit

Has rotten grown

Long night replaces day

Your aching steps

Still testify

Of pain and sad regret

For light grown dim

And hope deferred

Your sun will soon be set

Sad memories

Are all you have

They like a cancer grow

Each passing day

They cloud your joy

With painfulness and woe

Your time is past

For hope to rise

You've sealed your hapless fate

No time to heal

Your broken heart

The darkened tomb awaits.

What would you give

To be redeemed

From life's relentless pain

To know just once

The sweet refrain

You have not lived in vain

[Papa Coco]

L2N,

I don't say these things lightly. I like to say positive things to people, but not by lying to them. When I say your poems send those wonderful chills through my spine, I am telling the honest to god truth. This poem did it to me again. Those chills are some kind of energy that is awakened in me through connection. Your fingers aren't writing these poems, your soul is. And my soul, for some reason, is reading them. It's connection. Art is connection.

In the post just before it, you describe something that the people who study happiness call Flow. Athletes call it Being in The Zone. I prefer to use the term Flow because I believe that when an activity has the ability to stop time, like writing does for you, (and also for me), that the reason it consumes our focus is because we have found the art that we came here on the earth to play in. Pablo Picasso said "Every child is an artist. The trick is to remain an artist after we grow up." Julia Cameron, in The Artist's Way, says "Our talent is God's gift to us. What we do with that talent is our gift back to God." [cautious disclaimer: I am not religious. I feel like God is not a "he" but is a force. The source of all unconditional love and the creative consciousness that gives life to our universe. I pray almost all day long, but I do so outside the limits of religious dogma. The Artist's Way fits with my belief. She's not religious either but expresses that same strong sense of connection, and spirit, and art, and unconditional love].

It's been my experience that when I try to learn something that isn't in my DNA (Piano, foreign languages, guitar, gardening) I struggle and only partially accomplish it. I "get by". But when I follow my heart and allow myself to learn what seems to be my calling, that's when time stands still for me, focus becomes possible, and success follows. To me, that's Flow. Like swimming in the stream that I was born to play in. And it leads to moments of joy and happiness and belonging.

When you say that time stands still when you focus on writing, that just tells me why your writing moves me. You're not a hobbyist. You're the real deal. You've found the talent/art that you were born to play in. You're putting your soul into your words. That's gotta be the reason why I gravitate toward them.

I hope you keep going with it. I find myself looking forward to reading your posts.

[Little2Nothing]

Wow, Papa Coco, that brought tears to my eyes. I'm speechless. All I can say is thank you!

[Papa Coco]

L2N:

I don't see a fist bump emoji, so I'll use the chest bump emoji  From one compulsive writer to another, I enjoy our interactions.

[Little2Nothing]

 I enjoy them as well. 

[Papa Coco]

L2N

You've reignited my passion for writing. Just wanted you to know that.

I believe that when we share ourselves with others, we influence, whether we realize it or not. You have influenced me to explore my own love for writing.

Thanks for that.

[Little2Nothing]

Papa Coco I am glad to hear that. I can't wait to read some of your creations. 

[Little2Nothing]

Sometimes I feel like a ghost walking in the land of the living - unseen, unheard and unneeded. When these feelings come I withdraw and avoid contact with anyone. Once I isolate then the symptoms seem to snowball. I isolate and then am depressed because I make my self be alone. It is foolish to put myself in this position, because although I wish for connection I reject it when I receive it. 

Because I see myself as inherently unworthy I believe I create situations where I feel rejected. Being rejected is normal and, I hate to say it, comfortable to me. Then I become irritable and angry. I then begin to feel sorry for myself. Usually I do not recognize the spiral and as I plummet into self pity it all becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Many things precipitate this, it could be a memory, a sound, a smell or a look on someone's face. But when it begins I seem powerless to stop it. I hate being this way. I feel weak and helpless. Very seldom I can pull myself out of this destructive path and, yet, I suppose if I can do it once then there is hope that I can do it more often. 

[Armee]

Yeah. That 100%.

But recognizing the pattern is the first step. Even after the fact. Eventually you'll recognize it sooner in the process. Then you'll learn ways to interupt it. It's so dang slow but there is hope. And the fact you see that pattern means you are going toward healing. Keep going!

[Little2Nothing]

Armee, I had to think about that for a minute, but your right. If I see the pattern I can eventually fix it. Thanks for that!!!!

[Papa Coco]

L2N,

I'm glad you shared this. There's nothing like the support of friends who know a bit about what you are sharing.

I've also felt that same sort of thing where I choose to be "comfortably uncomfortable" with the devil that I know. My past poor self-image. I hate it, but I know how to live with it. Being proud of myself is something I used to be punished for, so I am NOT comfortable being comfortable. But I'm getting better. Little by little I'm getting better.

I agree with Armee. Recognizing the triggers as TRAUMA is the most important first step.

You're in my thoughts.

[Armee]

Sorry I wasn't super clear. Your post really reminded me of my trials through trying to get a handle on dissociation. At first I didn't even know i was dissociating (but I do quite badly). The very first step was just knowing it was happening. From there I could look for clues it was happening in the moment. Eventually I caught the signs earlier. That's important because once you're deep in a trauma reaction you feel very powerless. But once you train yourself to see it sooner you have more power to do something. I'm gonna be honest that took years not months.

[Little2Nothing]

Papa Coco for years I thought I was odd and completely different from everyone around me. Knowing that I am not alone and that my reactions are perfectly normal for someone who has had trauma is a comfort to me. We, through a horrendous twist of fate, are family in that we share the same struggle and are able to encourage, empathize and strengthen one another. 

Armee My not getting what you said right away was a testament to my density, not the clarity of what you wrote. Sometimes, for me, the simplest things allude me and I have to shake myself out of my stupor to get it. Your response pointed out the obvious that I simply missed, that is, being able to see the pattern means that work can be done to break the pattern. I will say that I appreciate the wisdom and encouragement of folks like you. So, don't be sorry and know I deeply appreciate your input.