My journey so far

[Papa Coco]

What a nice way to put it: You said, "We, through a horrendous twist of fate, are family in that we share the same struggle and are able to encourage, empathize and strengthen one another." 

This is a family I'm proud to be a part of.

[Papa Coco]

Visiting the men in prisons is inspiring. Very inspiring. What a great opportunity for you to experience these men and to see their struggles as clearly as you see them.

It's believed by trauma therapists that childhood trauma is the greatest pandemic of the entire world. If people could stop traumatizing children, only those few who are born evil would be in prison, and world peace would become possible for all the rest of us.

The greatest sadness I face each day is being able to see the pain of the world that surrounds me. Often, it's not even my pain that brings me to tears, but the pain of those who've been dealt even deeper struggles than I was.

[Little2Nothing]

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD (in 2015 CPTSD was not really recognized) I was in a very bad way. After I got out of the hospital I wanted to find a Psychiatrist and seek out a therapist. The first Psychiatrist I saw was very unempathetic. In the course of our conversation my childhood came up and her reaction was pretty devastating. She balled her hands into fists and then rubbed them under her eyes and said, "You were feeling down and then thought, Oh boohoo I had a hard childhood. You need to get over that." I was speechless.

The next Psychiatrist loaded me up on a cocktail of meds. I was living in a haze. The therapy I received was not trauma informed. I spent the next few years going from therapist to therapist. After several years I stopped the meds, big mistake, it took me nearly 6 months to wean myself off. I will never take them again. The meds were of little value anyway.

What did help my depression was a dietary change I made to control my diabetes (type 1). The lessening of my depression was an unexpected bonus. At this point in my journey I am seeing a therapist who is diligent to inform herself about trauma and has helped me greatly. I will not see a Psychiatrist again because they are pill pushers. I received no practical advice or help from any of the doctors I saw. I trusted them and they failed me. 

As I said, I have been very fortunate to find a therapist that thinks outside of the box. She got me involved in a study, that she and I work on together, that is looking into effective ways to help folks with CPTSD and DD. Though I just started I believe it is going to be beneficial. We have been doing parts work which initially I had a hard time with. It seemed odd and silly. However, I gave it a try and have found it helpful as well. Trauma is so interconnection with mental health that I don't understand why it is not a foundational part of training in therapy. 

[Papa Coco]

I have had bad experiences with psychiatrists, medications, and CBTs, but wow. Balling up her fists, rubbing her eyes, and saying "Boo hoo"? That's malpractice. That's worse than anything I've experienced in a CBT's office. She should be doing jail time for that behavior.

I'm very glad you found a therapist who is helping. It makes a 100% difference. The wrong T's make it worse. the right ones bring hope.

I'm glad you found a right one.

[Little2Nothing]

Papa Coco, my T knows of this psychiatrist. She has heard similar stories. It was pretty devastating when the psychiatrist said that. I was already in a state of confusion not understanding what was wrong with me. That about threw me over the edge. Unfortunately I have developed a distrust of doctors. I feel more like an inconvenience to them than a patient who was being cared for. 

I had a couple of T's that I felt were incompetent. Fortunately I have found a T that is helpful and is taking it slow. 

When depression hits I find that eating a healthy diet and exercise are better than any pill I could take. Psychiatrists are the most unhelpful MD's I have ever seen. They simply prescribe. It seems modern medicine is trained to push pills. 

[Armee]

Wow! That is awful! I literally feel like I was punched in the gut just reading what she said to you! That person should not be practicing. How awful. I'm so glad you are safely with someone good now and I feel the same about psychiatrists generally tho personally I haven't been to one.

I meant to respond to your post about parts work. It's been really helpful to me tho I felt the same way and sometimes still do about it being a bit weird, and I worried it would make aspects of dissociative symptoms worse (like cause more fragmentation and differentiation) but it has made it better and more integrated generally. It gives space between me and the trauma reactions. I've also seen it really work for connecting the parts of my mind that store traumatic material with the rest of my mind which means when I am triggered I am less likely to get stuck in the blackhole of flashbacks (tho this week is an exception to that). Dollyvee I think recommended a book or podcast by someone who wrote a book that I like for those of us with more dissociative symtpoms...Joanne Twombly...check her out. Thanks for the rec, Dolly. Anyway yeah I was very resistant to parts work but see it helping me, especially in combination with emdr techniques.

The way I think about it that feels less woowoo is that trauma and our reactions are stored in all these discrete closed off parts of our brains...these bundles of neurons that wire and fire together, but that are not connected to the rest of our neurons very efficiently or at all thiugh there might be loose connections to other parts that guard or are related to the trauma (protector parts etc). These bundles of neurons are what parts are to me.

But when there's a trigger I get dropped into one of these parts of my brain that is all trauma and not connected to the nontrauma parts of my brain and I don't have a way out because those neurons aren't connected to the rest of me. I see parts work as building the neuronal network between nontrauma brain and the trauma pockets so that when I get triggered I also have access to everything else and can leave that part of my mind...2 way traffic, building new freeway on ramps and offramps...

[Little2Nothing]

Armee, your definition of parts work really helps. My greatest fear was being led into some form of DID that would make things worse. But seeing the parts as you describe makes perfect sense. Thank you for taking the time to share that. Much appreciated. 

[Papa Coco]

Little2Nothing, I agree with what Armee says about IFS work. It's definitely not DID, but it is about how our emotional memories hide in different places, only to be revived when today's emotions match the emotions that drove it into hiding when we were younger.

I credit IFS work for most of the healing I've done this past year. Getting to know the various parts of myself, and how they rally around to help, has given a lot of relief and a good bit stronger control over my emotional regulation. In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel Van der Kolk helps explain IFS work well also. He cites that it was invented in the 1880s, but hasn't been really utilized until just these last couple of years. I think of it as the best long-term treatment I have found so far.

Whenever my therapist finds a part, he asks me if I can tell how old the part is. When I say "7" or "14" he knows when that part split out in my head. We talk to that part with a little gestalt play. I need to be emotionally connected to the part to make this work. This is not intellectual knowledge, we are working with emotional knowledge. My body and emotions need to be engaged. My head can take a break. My rational brain is strong and healthy. It's my emotional and physical consciousnesses that are confused. Once I feel like I understand and "feel" how that part was trying to help me, I can often sort of "bring it into the fold" and live in a grayer area; less black and white. Gray is where life is. The good happens with the bad. I've lived in b/w world where it was either all good or all bad. That's what I call my Cptsd-bipolar-coaster ride. Trauma keeps me focused only on one mood or the other. IFS helps me accept that life is all the moods blended healthily together.

Van Der Kolk's book is very informative on how trauma is formed and how it is best treated.

[Little2Nothing]

I woke up this morning feeling weary. I hate the time change and because I rise very early in the morning it seems to make it worse. I don't know what today holds for me. Though I am feeling well except for the fatigue.

I see my T today and though I look forward to the time I also dread it. We are doing parts work and there are some parts I would rather not look into. It's silly because those many facets of myself are always with me. So far the work we have done is very triggering for me. After each session I spend the next few days brooding over what we have done. 

Through all of this my wife has been a rock. I have become more accustomed to talking with her about how I feel and how my visits with my T are going. At first it was difficult to share with her because I felt like I was dumping too much on her. I am finding that having someone close to me that I can talk to is extremely helpful.

My dogs (2 Aussies) are always a comfort. They seem to know when I'm having a bad day and stay close to me. They are the nicest dogs I've ever had. The female will lay next to me on the couch and lay her head in my lap. Dogs are such a gift. 

Just rambling today, currently my spirit is quiet. My day will start soon, as for now I'm drinking coffee and enjoying a time of quietness. I will enjoy this while it last.

[Papa Coco]

Good to hear that your wife is such a rock. That's a huge help.

And those Aussie shepherds are amazing dogs. My son and his wife got one two years ago. She is the most psychic dog I've ever experienced. Sometimes I SWEAR I can hear her thinking about me when I'm not even with her. She loves her family, and has some odd connection to me. I visit there only once a month or so, but she won't leave me alone the whole time I'm there. She lays on my lap. She comes to live with us when the kids take vacations. And when she's not with me, I swear I feel her thinking about me.

That's really awesome that you have two of those Aussie Shepards.

[Little2Nothing]

PC Aussies are awesome dogs. They are extremely loving and loyal. 

[Little2Nothing]

Trigger Warning - CSA

Of all the things I endured growing up, the worst was the betrayal and manipulation of being used for another's perverse desires. That has caused the greatest pain and sorrow. It is also the last thing I have ever revealed about my life growing up. The first time I admitted to this was in 2023 when I revealed it, very reluctantly, to my T. 

That revelation opened up a floodgate of despair and anguish. The act of saying it out loud and shedding light on the violation brought weeks of shame and agony that I feel today. I speak of it here because I know the folks here understand and because I do not have to look anyone in the eye when I talk about it. The shame would be overwhelming. I am a stranger to all of you so that gives me some anonymity.

Anyway, I wrote the following poem to express how I feel. Again thanks for reading this.

Your voice is gone

Try as you may

You cannot speak a word

The sights you see

Should not be known

They break the silver cord

 Your eyes are young

And heart naive

Such things should never be

Dark goes your mind

Your body writhes

As light from shadows flee

Years come and go

You live in fear

A world that few can see

You smile and nod

And play a role

That you could never be

The weight grows dense

A crushing mass

That breaks you from within

The pain is great

The sorrow raw

You fear the growing din

Hope seems so far

No help will come

As darkness wins the day

Oh for a glimpse

Of happiness

To chase the fear away

[Papa Coco]

You have a real gift for poetry.

[Little2Nothing]

Thanks PapaCoco, I really appreciate the encouragement. 

[NarcKiddo]

That is a beautifully written poem. Well done. I hope writing it has given you some comfort.