My journey so far

[Little2Nothing]

NarcKiddo, thanks for the compliment. It does help to write, I feel like I can express myself better that way.

[Little2Nothing]

I have posted so many negative things about my past and how I'm feeling. So I thought I would write something a little more positive. Hope this is helpful to other folks.

Out of the storm
My heart is free
No tempest rages round me

Do not despair
Your life is yours
With new wings your spirit soars

Good things will come
The bad eschew
Peaceful days will be your due

You stumbled once
But now you're strong
No dark foe shall linger long

Out of the storm
In hope I soar
With despair I'll live no more.

[Hope67]

Hi Little2Nothing,
I read your poem, and it is lovely.
Hope 

[Little2Nothing]

Thank you Hope67, I really appreciate that.

[Little2Nothing]

I have had limited contact with my FOO for nearly 40 years. The last time I spent a holiday with them there was a huge fight and as usual the day was ruined. At that time I had just been married and was living 400 miles away from any of them. My wife and I traveled back to my home town to see all of them. It was a disaster and after being away from the chaos for a few years it was also a shock. I determined at that moment that I would never subject my new family to them again.

That's not to say that I haven't on occasion seen any of them, I have. But never to a family function. I has one brother, who was not raised with me, that I was in contact with quite often. He and I had no bad history. When we got together it was always civil and enjoyable. The toxic part of my family would be excluded most of the time. If I did see them it was in a controlled public place.

I have to admit that there are times I miss my dysfunction family members, not in a nostalgic way, but because they are my family. Even with those feelings I avoid them because I know no good would come from bringing them back into my life. 

I especially shielded my children from these people. My mother saw them very seldom and never alone. I would not let them go and stay with grandma because she was one of the meanest people I have ever known. Their exposure to her was every few years. Nothing consistent. My M protested often in heated phone calls, but I would not relent and flatly told her that her alcohol problem, language and anger were the reason she couldn't see them more often.

My M, stepfather and several siblings have passed and are no longer a problem. My kids never really knew my parents well. They know grandma was a very sick woman. I'm sure they will eventually regret not getting to know her, but that isn't their fault, it is mine. I will bear the weight of my own choice. I hope, in the long run, they will understand that I kept them from her for their own good. Then again, maybe it won't be an issue for them. I suppose I will never really know. 

[Papa Coco]

Little2Nothing,

I'm impressed by how well you shielded your family from your FOO. In your last paragraph you said, "...My kids never really knew my parents well. They know grandma was a very sick woman. I'm sure they will eventually regret not getting to know her, but that isn't their fault, it is mine. I will bear the weight of my own choice...."

I just want to say that from where I'm sitting, this wasn't your fault, it was your M's fault. The word fault makes it sound like you did the wrong thing. You didn't. You did the right thing. The fact that your kids needed protecting from a monstrous person forced your hand to doing the right thing. So, from where I'm sitting, I think you could safely rephrase that line to, "...but that isn't their fault, it's hers[/u]...."

That being said, I agree that you were between a rock and a hard place. Every kid wants to know their grandparents, but she was dangerous and a soul crusher. A parent's top job is protect and nurture their children. I think you held that job with honor and respect for yourself and your children.

I wish more people would protect their kids the way you did.

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with Papa Coco. And from where I'm sitting I think it could be less likely than you think that your children will eventually regret not getting to know your mother. After all, they have spent some time in her presence. Children pick up on the atmosphere around them much more than one might think. From what you say I doubt your mother had a pleasant atmosphere around her. If they had never met her there would be a possibility that she would get some mythical importance to them - the grandma they were prevented from meeting.

I am very glad I did not see my maternal grandmother all that much. I was never protected from her and time in her company was utterly vile. It was simply the happy circumstances of geography and the fact she disliked me so had no desire to spend time with me that meant I spent as little time with her as I did.

[Little2Nothing]

Thanks PC and NK, sometimes its hard to see the positive.

I was ruminating recently on memories, the present and my future. I have to admit that I felt extremely hopeless and helpless. That hopelessness is reflective of my life over 40 years ago. As a child I was powerless against the rage and abuse of my caregivers. That powerlessness produced a profound negativity about life in general.

When things go wrong, or looked like they would go wrong, my reaction borders on near despair. I overreact to things small and large. I read into peoples actions without a clue to their true motive. I live in anticipation that the "other shoe will soon drop." I assume the worst and expect the worst. It is a vicious cycle which leads to despair and hopelessness.

Yet that hopelessness is a mere emotional reaction, it is how I'm programmed to respond. Yet I live every day performing hopeful acts. I have realized that going to therapy is an act of hope. I'm looking for healing and resolution of my past. Reading books on recovery, writing my thoughts here on OOTS, practicing mindfulness and participation in a study on CPTSD and DD are all acts of hope.

Sometimes my mind and emotions lie to me. My trauma works overtime to produce a constant state of emptiness. Looking around me I have much to be hopeful about - my wife, my kids, and my grandkids bring happiness. I have good friends who care about me and have stood by me for 30 years. The traumatized part of me wants to negate these things, wants me to constantly swim in a pool of darkness. It succeeds more often than not.

It seems strange to me that fear, sorrow and emptiness always seem to take the ascendancy in my thinking. Even in the face of good and beneficial things it seems to win. The more that I'm aware of my condition the harder that darkness seems to fight for survival. I truly want it to die. I want to stand over its grave and bid it good riddance. My therapist has told me that these reactions were survival mechanism and that is probably true, but now they have become rancid and putrid, they have no redeeming value, they only wish to keep me in a perpetual black hole where no light or goodness can penetrate.

I am determined to pursue hopeful things in the hope that this determined hopelessness will eventual be rendered inert.

[Armee]

It is such a huge act of hope to start healing. You are doing so well being willing to face this stuff. Many people never develop the ability to do what you are doing, just trying.

The despair, over-reactions, emptiness, all those feelings that come up that feel disproportionate...this is so understandable (and common). It took awhile but I finally get that when these things happen it's not because I am overreacting to the present but because I have been triggered and am now reacting to and FROM the past.

When this is happening, when things feel so so bad? That's a flashback without pictures. You have been dumped with no warning or choice into the part of your brain that went thru some of the worst things a child can go thru and that part of your brain starts to respond to the present situation too. It takes some work to be able to take back over as the adult. I found that once I got dumped in a trauma section of my brain thru triggering, I didn't have a way to get back out and so I'd spend days overreacting and in despair until something managed to reset my brain. All out of my control. I had to actually build like a neuro-pathway from the parts of my brain that hold the past to present adult me so I could voluntarily travel back and forth rather than be dumped and trapped in there.

Thanks to the dissociative barriers we had to build there are not connections in our brains that should be there because we had to close those parts of our mind off to survive. So traumatic reminders get instant access like a trapdoor but we can't willingly come and go at first. This is where parts work comes in. It's been really effective for me and like you I hated the idea at first and resisted.

Oh and grandparents...I thought my kids didn't understand that my mom was messed up and also felt bad for not letting them spend more time with her. But once she passed my son started talking about how mean and crazy she was. They see these things. They may not regret not knowing them though they may regret the idea of not having loving grandparents. Are your wife's parents in their life and healthy?

[Little2Nothing]

Armee, that all makes sense to me. Yet, it is extremely difficult. Though I have started to communicate more with my wife and she cares deeply, there is still a big part of me that stays hidden. I feel so weak and unlovable. I am embarrassed by that weakness and am afraid that the core of who I am will be revealed and drive her and others away.

The emotional reactions I have are intense and unpredictable. My T has been helping me see the impact of the trauma I endured. What you have written is very helpful, because it paints an accurate picture of what I am feeling and why. I really appreciate you taking the time to write your response, it makes me not feel as alone as I usually do.

[Little2Nothing]

TW SA

During a session with my therapist about my main abuser, she said what he did wasn't about sex, but about power. That statement angered me. Of course it was about sex, for him. The power was just a bonus for that monster. When she said that it seemed to me to be an excuse for what he had done. The violation I endured was perpetrated by a perverse man wanting to fulfill his deep perverted needs. He wanted to gratify himself at my expense. That goes for the others who abused me. Saying it was about power seemed to minimize the real crime. 

Adults who prey on children for sexual gratification are a special kind of beast. They are slaves to their propensities and the children they harm are just meat to them. A commodity, something to be used and thrown away. While he was enjoying his "power" my future was stolen. I have suffered the effects of his and others despicable behavior for nearly 60 years. He derived sexual pleasure from grooming, frightening and using me. Those things fed his twisted desires. From start to finish it was all about his sexual fulfillment. 

I had to get that off my chest. The whole encounter angered me. I know it would never be her intention to trigger me and I never told her what I was feeling, which is unfair to my T. So when I see her tomorrow I will talk to her about it. 

[Armee]

Thanks for saying that. When you share with your T it will be helpful for many, for her to hear that perspective, plus healthy to get some of that anger expressed.

I struggled with some of the same thoughts about the gang rape that was set up to be perpetrated against me after rejecting the advances of an old man. That situation was more a mix of both power and gratification. Getting to take what they want no matter what. But I did have a hard time with the power vs gratification question. It's both, and especially in combination both are horrid things to do to a human and especially a child. I am so so so sorry they used you in that way and harmed you for life. Right now it's a wound. I feel confident that one day with honesty to yourself, compassion for younger you, and open communication with your T and wife that this will become a scar instead of an open wound.  Gentle safe nontouch hugs from a stranger far away. 

[NarcKiddo]

You're right to discuss it with your T. I also think it is probably good that you did not choose to communicate the anger as you were feeling it, but have instead processed some of your thoughts in advance of sharing it with her. Of course a good therapist will be able to handle whatever emotion you throw at them in the moment, but I don't think it is necessarily always the best thing for us to do. My T once triggered me so badly (over a very simple administrative matter) that I nearly sacked her. This was nearly two years ago and I still have not told her about that!

I'm not sure it is helpful to categorise the intentions of an abuser - or even possible. We cannot ever know precisely what their motivation is, in the same way that we can never truly know what somebody else is thinking. Even if someone says what they are thinking, they may put a spin on it depending on the audience. At any rate, that is what my T says, and she therefore makes me concentrate on what I think and we talk about that. At some point you and your T might find it very informative to discuss just why you got so upset at the suggestion that the motivation was power rather than sex. Perhaps not now if you are still feeling raw about it. A big emotional reaction is always something to note and explore when the time is right. Your T has inadvertently touched a raw nerve - but the surface issue may not be the full picture of what is triggering you.

[Chart]

Maybe by looking at the perpetrator, your T is somehow "explaining away" their actions. And perhaps there should be no "reflection" whatsoever regarding the perpetrator. This is a sub-human who doesn't deserve your time or "understanding" in any form. I think I understand your anger. I've spent my whole life trying to "understand" others motives. I had to to survive. The result is I've "wasted" my life on others?!? I've no idea who "I" am now. Why should I pay someone to analyze other people, let alone an abuser? How does that help me? Does it help me? Perhaps answering that question will clarify the feelings that came up.

[Papa Coco]

Littel2Nothing,

I really got swept away by your comments that we were just meat to them. [TRIGGER WARNING: Childhood Sexual Abuse--body memories without cognitive memories]>>> As I read it, I felt it. I have very chopped up memories of my abuser. I was seven. He was an adult. My cognitive memories are so chopped up that I really can't place how it was that he got me alone to do what he did, nor do I have any idea how many times it happened. I woke up in the classroom in third grade a few times having no idea where I'd been for the past hour or two. Almost like alien abductions, I experienced complete 1 to2 hour time losses at school on more than one occasion. But what my body remembers is what he smelled like, his body heat, visions of the thick black body hair on his arms, and...as I read your comments, I suddenly remembered feeling a spiritual sense of him having no soul. Like he had absolutely NO compassion for me as a human being. I have always remembered feeling abandoned by God because I somehow recall having prayed so hard for God to make him to stop, but God ignored me and the man...just...wouldn't...stop. It literally felt like he was not human. Like he was a cold-blooded alligator enjoying a meal.

So, I REALLY, truly understand your anger. I feel anger for what you went through, which revives my personal anger that these men are soulless and completely incapable of feeling the pain they are inflicting. Sometimes I feel like I've grown past the anger. Like I've accepted that psychopaths exist with us and they "know not what they do" and that my forgiveness of them has brought me peace. But then, every now and then, I remember how horrific it is to be caught in their snares, and I realize I haven't made peace with it at all.

I think this trigger for me, from your sharing, is a gift that I can use as I explore the way my life goes in and out of acceptance. I've been feeling like I'm DID or Bi-Polar or something. Like...if I've forgiven these people, why am I still traumatized? 

I just read an internet article on the 18 things that identify a person who had a traumatic childhood, and I was able to connect with 17 of them. I shook my head and thought, but my childhood wasn't that bad, so HOW do I have 17 of the 18 traits? (the only one I didn't have was a sense of wanting to lash out aggressively).  I think you've provided a much-needed spark for me to stop hiding again from the horror of being with someone who has no soul. No connection to other human beings.

You shared a deep part of yourself today here which has blessed me with a revival of something I need to address in myself...my own anger and unmitigable frustration at how I was consumed like a meal by someone who had no right to do what he did.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for having the courage or compulsion to share it. Not addressing this anger in myself allows it to fester unnoticed. I really want to work through this for myself as you work through it in your own life.

Thanks for showing me that I'm not alone in this anger and for giving me a sense that the anger is real and its justified and it isn't going away just because I'm feeling calm every now and then. My anger for what was done to you, gives me permission to feel it for what was done to all of us, myself included.