My journey so far

[Chart]

Little2, Papacoco, I hope anger can help. I hope for anything that could help you. I cannot relate to these experiences, not by a long shot. But I sympathize and support as much as possible. I am so very sorry for your abuse. Please accept if you can my effort at understanding something totally incomprehensible.

[Little2Nothing]

I know the anger made me vigilante to watch over my kids. And now later in life my grandkids. 

The anger also eats at the core of my being. It robs me of peace and joy. I cannot conceive of how to forgive so heinous a violation. I feel trapped by the guilt, shame and sorrow I have. 

My heart goes out to anyone who has had their personhood violated, such crimes should elicit the harshest punishment. Rape, sexual abuse of children, etc. Is rarely punished to the degree it deserves. That is triggering in itself. 

Society, or at least the legal system, places little weight to these evil deeds. A child's life is only worth a few years of punishment, but mine will continue until the day I die. 

[Little2Nothing]

PC, it breaks my heart that you endured CSA. Those experiences make us brothers who have survived insurmountable odds. 

What they did didn't break us though we struggle in the aftermath. We can't forget it, we can't change it, but we can encourage one another until we find some semblance of healing and peace. 

[Little2Nothing]

Armee, I am sorry that happened to you. You are such an encourager and care deeply about others. I am so glad you take the time to respond to me. 

NK I appreciate your comments and advice. I will share what my T says after we talk. You are right that it is good I didn't express my anger immediately. 

Chart, thanks for your input and empathy. 

[Little2Nothing]

Today there is a calming breeze and I am sitting here enjoying its freshness. Bees are hovering around the bush by the window and it is somewhat soothing to watch them be busy doing their jobs. Right now I can see the beauty of nature all around me, it started with a gorgeous sunrise. The cheerful song of God's feathered songsters brought tears to my eyes. 

I am grateful for this respite. It is as if God directed everything around me to speak peace to me today. These days are far and few between, but when they come it gives me hope. Not everything is ugly and cruel. I just wanted to share something positive.

[GoSlash27]

L2N,
 I love this post (#64).

 I hope you have occasion to share many more like this. 

Best,
-Slashy

[Blueberry]

Today there is a calming breeze and I am sitting here enjoying its freshness. Bees are hovering around the bush by the window and it is somewhat soothing to watch them be busy doing their jobs. Right now I can see the beauty of nature all around me, it started with a gorgeous sunrise. The cheerful song of God's feathered songsters brought tears to my eyes.

I am grateful for this respite. It is as if God directed everything around me to speak peace to me today. These days are far and few between, but when they come it gives me hope. Not everything is ugly and cruel. I just wanted to share something positive.

 

I like to read positive things in among the horrors. I especially like descriptions of nature and animals, including bees and my favourite bumblebees.

I'm happy your environment is speaking peace today and that you are feeling hope.

[Papa Coco]

Little2Nothing,

Nice share. The sun is shining today here. I think I need to follow your lead and go sit on the porch with a cup of coffee and find a moment of peace.

Enjoy your day,
PC.

[Little2Nothing]

I'm sitting here listening to the old Italian Crooners and it is making me feel so sad. 

They bring back such a rush of memories. Mostly sad, but for some reason I can't bring myself to turn them off. 

They make me miss something, but I really don't know what. Maybe it is a form of mourning. 

[Papa Coco]

L2L,

There are times when sad music or sad movies are what I feel like I need for some reason. Music has a powerful power over us. But there are times when my own sadness wants to be respected, and sad music actually helps me feel connected.

For me, listening to upbeat music is only appropriate when I feel like I handle it. If I listen to upbeat music when I want sad music, the upbeat music just grates on my nerves like sandpaper.

I hope the crooners gave you a nice friendly visit with the sad parts of you that just wanted to be crooned for a while.

You may be onto something. It may be a form of mourning. And mourning has a purpose too.

[Little2Nothing]

TW
The realization hit me today that this escapade through suffering will never end. The perpetual sadness and memories are endless.

I want to scream in rage at tje injustice of it all. How do you navigate all of this? Therapy is helpful but only so far. Every day is a struggle, and every effort to heal feels fruitless. I don't know who I am or who I should be. I feel fake and empty.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

[Chart]

 
I hear you and empathize L2N. I sometimes wonder how much of my suffering is due to being an HSP (highly sensitive person). So many people on this forum strike me as HSP's, you included. I might be wrong but we seem to just "feel" so much more intensely. That's my impression. And thus the pain is also that much more. PapaCoco has often talked about this. I don't know what our "consolation" is for being hsp. For the moment I've yet to identify any concrete advantages. The only thing that comes to mind is perhaps a deeper spiritual understanding. For me that's Buddhism, but I've yet to achieve any marked diminution of my daily pain from that. Perhaps my actual knowledge and practice is lacking. Wish I could help more. Hugs if that's ok.
 

[Little2Nothing]

Thanks Chart. I do feel deeply which I think allows me to empathize with others suffering. I think it makes my own pain more acute. 

[GoSlash27]

L2N,
 I completely sympathize with your frustration. What happened to you was not your choice and not your fault. Now here you are left to try to clean up the mess.

 I've realized with creeping horror that I have *many* more episodes buried in my head than i have which I remember. I think the point of therapy isn't to somehow dig them all up and 'process' them, but simply get to the point where the past is no longer interfering with the present and the future.

 I truly believe we all can attain that.

Best wishes,
-Slashy

[Hope67]

Hi Little2Nothing,
I also think that music is so powerful in how it affects our emotions, and you related to a sense of mourning, and that definitely takes time.  I hope that tomorrow is a kinder day, whatever happens.
 
Hope