My journey so far

[Little2Nothing]

Hope, music is powerful. There are some songs the really speak to me and move me to tears. There is a kind of comfort in their sadness.

[Little2Nothing]

I have been in therapy for nearly two years with the same T. I can see some of the progress I have made, though at times I think it has been too slow. Personally I would like to deal with things more quickly. My T, however, thinks moving slower is safer and will be more effective. I suppose it would be hard to just rip the bandage off of 16 years of abuse and not expect issues. 

The study I'm involved in (TopDD) has a lot of good information. The process so far has been to learn how to stay grounded, deal with memories, etc. I will say that all these processes are simple in theory, but very difficult to implement. One element is knowing your triggers, or at least recognizing when you are being triggered. This is very difficult for me. Sometimes I am already caught up in the emotion and trying to bring it under control is no easy task.

Today is one of those days when I feel nothing. I'm neither happy nor sad, I am just empty. Though I guess "empty" is a feeling. I'm writing this knowing that someone may read it. That gives me connection and assures me that I am not alone. The worst part of CPTSD, for me, is the sense of isolation and loneliness. At the moment I am by myself and that loneliness is magnified. Later my family will be here (wife and kids) and I will not be physically alone. However, that doesn't mean the sense of loneliness will abate. Connection is hard for me.

Probably none of that makes any sense. The one thing about OOTS is it gives me an outlet and a sense of belonging. Though this is all anonymous and none of you really know me, I take comfort in associating with folks who have been where I've been and consequently can relate to my story.

[GoSlash27]

"The worst part of CPTSD, for me, is the sense of isolation and loneliness. At the moment I am by myself and that loneliness is magnified. Later my family will be here (wife and kids) and I will not be physically alone. However, that doesn't mean the sense of loneliness will abate. Connection is hard for me.
Probably none of that makes any sense."

 It makes perfect sense, actually.   

 If I wasn't so very much the same way, I'd probably still be married.

 Stay strong,
-Slashy
 

[Armee]

It all makes perfect sense and nearly any of us could have written it word for word.

I don't know if it helps. Me and my T went too fast at first. It doesn't work. There are so many issues with going fast but one really big one is you end up triggered or dissociated during therapy itself and that time in therapy spent in those states outside the window of tolerance means effective healing work can't take place. So you are essentially wasting that time. There are many many other reasons to go slow, but that is one. Two years isn't long for trauma and dissociation. I'm going on 5.5 years now. I really hope to be done by the end of this year but realistically it might be another full year. But there's been massive improvement along the way it's not like 2 or 5 or 6 years of not feeling better. So please don't feel bad it's taking awhile. It does. But this is intricate work being done. Reworking how our brain and nervous system functions. Keep going!

[Little2Nothing]

Thanks, Armee, I always appreciate you wisdom. I will defer to my T's guidance. I can see how going too fast could cause major problems.

Slashy, it is helpful to know that others have the same issues. 

[Hope67]

Hi Little2Nothing,
Going at a pace that is slower is most likely a good thing.  Rushing it could be potentially damaging.  I think it takes a significant amount of time.  I think you're doing well - making progress.

Hope 

[Little2Nothing]

My mother and I had a volatile relationship. We got along sometimes, but when she was upset it was difficult to be around her. When I ran away at 13 our relationship was cordial almost sterile. I can't remember that she ever asked me how I was, where I was staying, if I was getting enough to eat, etc. It never entered her mind.

Living on the street was difficult, especially in the winter. Shelter was not readily available and back then no one was worried about hobos and bums. In the area where I lived there were no soup kitchens or shelter that you could go to for the night. I had to fend for myself. 

Over the years I thought that I had forgiven her. She wasn't really in my life and I would only see her under controlled conditions. I kept her from my kids, except for the brief period when she lived with us. She didn't care when I got married. Was never particularly fond of her grandkids. 

Now I find myself thinking about her more than I ever did before. She abandoned me, ridiculed me, let me go hungry, let me have inadequate clothing, and didn't bat an eye when I was sleeping in a school yard. I don't know why she did all of that and I suppose I never will. 

But, right now, I feel an anger toward her I have never felt before. She was my mother, why didn't she love me or take care of me? I am angry because she had me, her last child, even after she had abandoned every other baby she birthed. I am angry about the way I was raised, about the orphanage, scavenging for food, having shoes with holes in the soles. I am angry about her taking me to my abusers house, trying to give me to a strange man for money. I am angry that she made me carry the guilt of her beatings.

Most of all, I am angry for being angry. This is all in the past and I can't seem to rise above it. I wallow in its sorrow, groveling for someone to care and knowing no one could conceivable understand the anguish that cripples me almost daily. I am a caricature of a man, lost, fumbling with no sense of normalcy. I will carry this to the grave. I feel like I am allowing her past abuse to continue to abuse me. 

[Chart]

Little2, if pain were a commodity and a child came to you, in pain, and asked you if you would help them. What would you do? I think you would look into that child's eyes and you would know their suffering. You would see the trauma etched in their young face and your heart would surge. "Yes," you would say, "Give me your pain, you do not deserve what you have suffered. Give it to me, I will take it all. You are too young and I am so sorry for your hurts, though I too am blameless. But I cannot bear to see one so innocent suffer as I did."
Am I wrong? Would you not do that?

So that child is you. And you, the adult is carrying the pain of you the child. You are in pain so that the child in you can, even if just a little, be free of that pain.

The suffering you are now enduring is the validation of the suffering you endured as a child. It is the very proof of a love for yourself that you never got from those that created you.

You are suffering because you love yourself. Please never doubt your capacity for love.  Let that love grow out of the cracks of suffering. Let it continue to grow and grow making shade and soothing the blindness of the child's pain. It is your guide. Follow it, stay with it, hold it tight. Take it into you, and then you will perhaps see, feel, hear or touch a hard joy.

Through no fault of your own you never had a mother, but to all your credit you have always had love. I admire you beyond what I can put into words.

[Little2Nothing]

I have never thought of suffering as a form of self love. But, I can see how one might conclude that. 

I never particularly thought I loved myself, yet, the ability to survive would indicate a love for self. 

Thanks Chart, for giving me a new perspective!

[Blueberry]

Over the years I thought that I had forgiven her.

I thought that too about various FOO members. It might be maddening or disappointing or painful or something else entirely to find out that actually, no, you or I or any of us had not actually forgiven. I think that's just part and parcel of the journey of healing - feeling this on a different level and/or the onion layers, the realisations. You might feel stuck for a while, I do anyway, but I think there's movement, there's progress even when we can't feel it.

But, right now, I feel an anger toward her I have never felt before. She was my mother, why didn't she love me or take care of me? I am angry because she had me, her last child, even after she had abandoned every other baby she birthed. I am angry about the way I was raised, about the orphanage, scavenging for food, having shoes with holes in the soles. I am angry about her taking me to my abusers house, trying to give me to a strange man for money. I am angry that she made me carry the guilt of her beatings.

I think anger is healthy and you have every reason to feel angry about what your M actively did to you and what situations she got you into by not caring for you properly.

Most of all, I am angry for being angry. This is all in the past and I can't seem to rise above it. I wallow in its sorrow, groveling for someone to care and knowing no one could conceivable understand the anguish that cripples me almost daily. I am a caricature of a man, lost, fumbling with no sense of normalcy. I will carry this to the grave. I feel like I am allowing her past abuse to continue to abuse me.

As I say, I think you have every reason to be angry, even though your M's actions/inactions are in the past. The effect of the trauma isn't in the past, that's what counts. On here, there are people who understand and have experienced daily anguish that cripples, even though it may be an anguish about different things and may cripple in different ways. Your words are poignant. I'm sorry you're feeling so lost and so much in pain at the moment.

I have been told things in the past, like by my behaviour I'm repeating the abuse done to me in the past or particulary in my case that I'm repeating the neglect, so I'm wondering if that's your own idea or something you've been told? There might be a bit of truth in there somehow but generally the abuse or neglect is on those who did it in our childhoods (or continue it now, as some FOO mbrs do) and it can take quite a number of years to realise what we're doing and then break the habits and find better ways of treating ourselves. In my experience, self-blame doesn't help.

[Armee]

  x 10000

Forgiveness only seems possible to me if someone actively seeks it, as in there is true apology and intent to be different. Something to be done and given in response to someone seeking forgiveness.

Your mom's actions are not forgivable in my book and you owe no forgiveness. Anger is so very appropriate to the circumstances. You do not seem like an excessively angry or vengeful person. I don't believe your lack of forgiveness or your anger are in any way a problem or flaw.

I'm sorry for everything you've been through.

[Little2Nothing]

Thanks Armee and Blueberry for you comments. 

It is hard sometimes to know how or what I'm supposed to feel. One near  constant is the inconsolable loneliness I have. The anger just adds to it. 

I had buried the anger for a long time and it probably is healthy to let it out. 

[Papa Coco]

Hi L2N

My T has helped me to recognize the difference between my unhealthy anger and my, what he calls, "Good anger."  When the anger is justified and is helping me to release pent up energy, he applauds it. Anger, when it's appropriate and not lashing out or hurting anyone, can be a physical release of pent-up anxiety or depression. And "good anger" doesn't really hurt anybody. Lashing out is bad anger. Self-destruction is bad anger and only prolongs or escalates the distress. But admitting when someone has been horrible to us, and blowing off a little steam is a release of bad energy.

When my FOO was at their very worst, I actually went to the craft store and bought some cloth dolls. I made small voodoo dolls and photographed them being caught in ceiling fans and stuff like that. Nobody got hurt. It added humor to my rage. Laughter and anger are not so different from each other. Both are releases of anxiety. Making a joke about it really helped me release a lot of pent-up, 50 yearlong rage against people who cannot be dealt with. My FOO was never going to change. They were 100% convinced they were right to abuse and blame me for all their failures. So, I took out my anger on some $1 dolls. Had some fun and moved on with my life.

I hope your anger gives you a little bit of a feeling of being alive and self-supporting.

If it's good anger, enjoy the feeling of release.

[Little2Nothing]

So, I was at church this past weekend and the topic of forgiveness came up. The consensus was that if you truly forgive then you will embrace the offender without question. Many there believed that forgiveness was generally unconditional and wiped the slate clean for the offender. In other words they get a do over. 

That might fly for some offenses. Not every foible a person commits is heinous. When someone acts out of character it is easy to not only forgive, but to, in essence, wipe the slate clean. However, not every situation is simple or incidental. So I recounted part of my childhood, excluding anything graphic, and stated that forgiveness is not always easy. I recounted that there are times I believe I have forgiven my mother and times when I'm not sure that I have. There are complicated scenarios that require a more circumspect approach. I posited the thought that a person might forgive without wiping the slate clean. Granting forgiveness is an act of self preservation to free us from the torment of anger and need for revenge. In most cases our offender does not care if we forgive and most likely will never ask for it. 

Also, the idea of wiping the slate clean with some people can be dangerous. I think that forgiving someone in essence means we no longer wish them harm, are happy when they are hurt, or become enraged when someone says something nice about them. It does not mean we have to embrace them back into our lives or give them trust they have never earned. 

Anyway, forgiveness is a difficult thing to grasp. It is something we must reconcile in ourselves. It is a personal act. I was saddened by the trite platitudes that were thrown around without thought. The act of forgiveness has no cookie cutter formula. I think that folks who had relatively good upbringings cannot conceive of the dark and wicked actions of some people. Nor do they understand the long term suffering that results form it. I wish that the church would be more compassionate towards those who have suffered great loss as children and recognize the pain they carry on a daily basis. I know God understands, but those who represent him have done a poor job of shepherding the hurt and lonely among us. If there is anyplace that should show empathy, patience and grace to people struggling with trauma it ought to be the church.

[Armee]

I'm so happy you spoke up as I know there were others listening who needed to hear that.