My journey so far

[Little2Nothing]

Every year around this time a deep abiding loneliness settles in. Thanksgiving is coming up next week followed closely by Christmas. These holidays hold no special meaning to me. It's nice to be with my wife, kids, and grandkids and I enjoy spending time with them. However, these holidays carry with them the taint of the past.

*Tigger warning*

I cannot remember a Thanksgiving or Christmas, growing up, that was enjoyable. Family gatherings then meant screaming, and physical abuse. They always started out okay, but a few drinks in and a darkness would set in. My mother would always bear the brunt of the abuse. Usually I would do or say or not say something that would be the catalyst of her beating.

One Christmas in particular my stepdad bought me a coat. I thanked him, but apparently I didn't thank him enough. He started out very menacingly calling me an ingrate, etc. The more he drank the darker his mood became. That particular night he and my mother were sitting at the dining room table. Out of the blue he punched her in the nose. He then proceeded to beat her unconscious, we ended that day of "the most wonderful time of the year" calling an ambulance to take her to the hospital.

That was typical for every holiday I remember. If there were happy times they elude me. I suppose our minds hold onto the most dangerous things to protect us in the future. 

My wife and kids love the holidays. I tried my best to not let my pain become their pain. Though I think some years I failed. I thought I would eventually get beyond the internal pain I carry during this time, but every year like clockwork the pending doom of the season of joy nearly cripples me. The oppression of these feelings made it difficult for me to enter into my children's joy as they grew up. With the grandkids I love to see them open their gifts and how excited they are. I suppose that is a victory. 

If people get an inkling that you aren't particularly a fan of Christmas. They call you Scrooge and I hear a lot of bah humbugs. They see you as odd or grouchy. Which does not help. I tried to explain why to someone once and I received a lecture on how I "need to get over it" or "quit living in the past." Maybe they are right, but it seems to me that the past is living in me and I don't know how to kill it.

Already depression is setting in. I have to try to hide so I don't make everyone else miserable. I find myself angrier this time of year. Little things nearly send me over the edge. So, this year, like every year before I will paste on a smile, try to act happy and bury the burden I carry. Only I will know what is raging inside me and that is the loneliest part of all. 

[Hope67]

Hi Little2Nothing,
Sending you a hug of support at this time of year, as I can see the pain of your memories of this time,  I wish you didn't have to try to bury the burden you're carrying. 
Hope

[NarcKiddo]

Enforced jollity and togetherness is tough, I think, regardless of past experiences. I utterly loathe Christmas and we never had a particularly bad time such as you did. I just marched in lockstep and got through all the fakery. I'm glad you enjoy seeing your grandkids enjoy the holidays. I enjoy that too.

I am really sorry to hear that somebody once told you to "get over it". I mean, if we could, we surely would! Nobody wants to live like this.

It's hard to plaster on the smile and appear jolly through gritted teeth. It's a worthy endeavour, nonetheless, to try not to taint the enjoyment of loved ones. If you feel the need to rant and get it off your chest you're welcome to rant to me any time.

[Little2Nothing]

Hope, thanks for the support,  I truly appreciate it. 

NK, pretending happiness IS really hard. But in the end its worth it because I can spare others the turmoil of my past. 

Thanks both of you for caring. This forum has been a great blessing to me in many ways. It's because of the kindness you are expressing. Thanks again. 

[Armee]

Oh hon. I'm so sorry. Those are really tough memories to be carrying. And like it or not the brain IS a timekeeper and even without external cues like what comes with the holidays (so many triggers!)...even without those cues everywhere...the brain remembers the time of year even without our help. Of course the holidays are really hard. You are trying to be as cheerful as you can for your family. I'm sorry others don't understand. I feel like if you had lost a dear loved one on the holidays people would be understanding. I don't know why they can't see this the same way.

It makes so much sense why the holidays are hard. Hopefully with continued therapy the old memories will eventually be put mostly away and you can get more enjoyment from the new memories with your family. But there's no straight path there. 

It's such a horrid abuse what your stepfather did...in many ways worse than if he took his anger out on you. It's really extremely cruel and damaging. It is no wonder at all it is so hard to move past this. I think you are doing great, all considered. 

[Little2Nothing]

Thanks Armee. I wish the brain didn't do its job so well. It's hard to convey to others the devastating impact abuse has. Especially when it occurs over years.

You're right if I lost a loved one no one would question your sadness. I, and others, lost something just as precious foremost of which was the unconditional love of our caregivers.

[Papa Coco]

L2N

If canceling holidays was something we could vote on I'd vote to cancel all of them. Year round. They are catch basins for trauma memories for far too many of us.

The more I get to know you, the more gentle and strong I see you as. Yes, you can be gentle and strong at the same time. The strength you show is in not passing your traumas onto your wife and kids. You did not carry forward your stepdad's abuse, nor do you refuse to participate in the Holidays. You care about your wife and children so much that, every year, you intentionally push through a jungle of traumas and memories so you can give to them what you should have been given. I'd have to look it up in the dictionary, but I would believe that what you do is most likely categorized as Heroic. You push yourself through something you don't want because you have others counting on you to give them a good holiday experience. That's heroic. You're saving your children and grandchildren from the pains of loneliness that you know would hurt them if they had to endure it too.

I have heard those words before also, "Why can't you just get past it?" My answer is now, "When I figure out how to do that, I'll let you know."

But that's why we are all here on this forum. Nobody on this forum would ever say that to anyone else on this forum.

We'd never say that to you--or to anyone else.

And when the Holidays are in full bloom here, just remember that the lion's share of us on the forum are feeling similar distress. Our family's weren't that loving on Christmas or Thanksgiving either. I remember the fights. My family didn't do violence, but they'd storm out of the house and drive off in a huff from time to time. As a child, That's not quite as traumatic as watching Mom get punched, but it's still enough distress to make the Holidays into a pariah on our calendars.

I vote we cancel them all.

HEY I have a trick that I use from time to time for when I need courage or at least endurance and I'm feeling alone with it. My T once gave me a small stone. He told me to put it in my hand whenever I felt abandoned. When the stone is in my hand, my brain remembers T gave it to me in a spirit of connection. While I'm holding that stone, I'm constantly aware that my T cares about me.

Sometimes, I suggest it on the forum here. Find some small thing. A trinket. A stone. A Rabbit's Foot. Any small item that you can tie to your wrist or carry in your pocket or hang on a chain around your neck. Think about how the people on this forum care about you. (And I'm here to tell you that people on this forum DO care about you. You're a particularly gentle soul, and it shows. I see it. I believe others can too).  Maybe hold that item in your palm every time you write to us on the forum, so that your brain and body start to connect that trinket with us all. Then, when you are forced into a Holiday party that you are regretting having to attend, just rub your thumb and forefinger across that trinket to help your brain and heart both remember that you are not alone in this distress. Your brothers and sisters on the forum are with you in spirit. Many of us will be suffering the same distress as you are.

I definitely do know the loneliness of the Holidays. Somehow, because they are billed as "The happiest time of the year", they highlight how Unhappy loneliness really is. I didn't always hate the Holidays, but as I age, my childhood traumas feel like they are more in my face than they were. So I have come to hate them.

I suffer with intense loneliness too. I know how painful it can be.

You're a heroic man, L2N. I'm not saying it as a compliment. I'm saying it as a truth. Water is wet. The sky is high. And L2N is an endearing and heroic patriarch of his household. Your family is lucky to have you. You put their needs first. You are a hero. That's what the word means to me.

Papa Coco

[StartingHealing]

Little2Nothing,

I savvy. .

Me and holidays have a ... "rough" relationship. Lets say.

As a dad, you do for your kids.  Because that's what us dads do. 

Kudo's good sir. 

Wishing you all the best.

[Little2Nothing]

PC, thank you. I don't know how heroic I am, but I do appreciate the words of encouragement. I wonder if we could get holiday cancellation on the ballot. There might be more people than we know of who would vote to eliminate them.   

I do believe folks who tell us to "get over it" or "stop living in the past" believe they are being helpful. Yet, I can't help but feeling the judgment of what they say. I feel belittled and dismissed. For them getting over things might be easy, but for those of us who endured years of neglect and abuse when we were the most vulnerable it is easy. 

Finding an object to help me ground myself is a really good idea. You are always and encourager and I really appreciate that.

StartingHealing, I made a decision years ago that I would not allow my kids to face what I faced. My wife and I moved far away from our families to minimize the damage they could do. Now my mother and stepdad are both gone. A few of my siblings are still alive, however, I have limited contact with them. 

I'm certain there are imperceptible things I passed on. There are aspects of trauma that always sneak through, but I can look back knowing that I did my best to give them a happy and healthy childhood. 

[StartingHealing]

Little2Nothing,

That's all we can do is do our best at the time.  Breaking generational stuff is a humbucker    Wishing you all the best

[Little2Nothing]

*Trigger Warning**

Yesterday my T and I really began processing with EMDR. I am not a skeptic, but I had wondered about the efficacy of the process. We started with a very primal emotional response I had when I was dropped off at the orphanage. It has always been something that I had avoided visiting in the past because it is the first real sense of trauma I have and the emotions it evoked were very profound. 

On more than one occasion prior to being placed in the home, my M would threaten us (brother and I) with an orphanage when we were misbehaving. So being taken to a home at age 6 instilled in me a sense that I had to have done something horrible to be taken there. I had no clue that that morning's trip would end at an orphanage. She unceremoniously dropped us off without any explanation.

What happened inside me is difficult to explain. I really don't have the words to describe it correctly. I know that my world ended that morning. I was lost, frightened, and begging for her to want me. I want to try to not over exaggerate what happened. Something died in me at that moment. I wept, begged and pleaded. I was totally alone and powerless. I was at the mercy of strangers. 

My T asked me a week prior if I had ever felt that way again. This was before we started processing. I recounted the time my stepbrother tightly bound my hands and feet, hung me out the attic window threatening to drop me. I was dehumanized with the same crying and pleading as before. He finally put me in the attic closet, pulled a pillowcase over my head and left me there for hours. I screamed for what seemed like hours, but no one every came. I thought I was going to die in the closet. My stepsister found me later in the evening and let me go.

 This morning in a rush of memory another incident seemed to meet the question she asked. I couldn't have been older that 10 or 11. As usual my parents were out closing the local bars. When they came home I heard unfamiliar voices. The usual screaming and physical violence didn't take place immediately. I must have fallen asleep. After a while there was a tapping on my bedroom door. I got up and opened it. There was a strange woman standing there. She was completely naked. Her chest and face were covered with blood. I remember her begging me to help her. I froze. A man came out of my parents room grabbed her, made a threatening remark to me and dragged her back to the room.

I lay in bed and listened as he beat her and I'm certain raped her. Her sobs and pleading were reflections of the utter abandonment, fear, terror and lostness I had felt at 6. I hid under the covers of my bed fearful of what might happen next. To this day I can't help but believe I failed that poor woman. I had felt what she felt. I knew her terror. I'm certain she didn't know if she was going to live or die, just as I felt when my stepbrother did what he did to me. 

To this day when I hear of situations where people have been robbed of their humanity and forced to beg for mercy it causes me visceral pain. The terror I felt comes back with a vengeance and I want to shut down. I never want to feel that again and I wish others would never have to experience it either.  

I wish I didn't remember these things, but wishing is futile. I can only, I suppose, process it and learn to see it in a different light. What that might be I don't know. 

[NarcKiddo]

L2N I weep for little you. All those stories are utterly heartbreaking.

You did not fail the woman. You were a child with no power in that situation. Had you had time to do anything (and I suspect you might have tried to help in some way if the man had not come out to grab her at that moment) things could have been worse for her and most certainly would have been bad for you. The way things played out of course still feel bad to you now, as a fully grown adult, but back then little L2N was kept as safe as possible in a dreadful situation. I am glad you did not have time to do anything rash.

[Armee]

 

These are all incredibly difficult deeply traumatizing experiences. That you survived and are relatively healthy is not a small miracle but an outrageous miracle. That you are willing to start processing is remarkable.

What I've found over time with emdr is it isn't really about thinking something different about the memoriee, they just kind of get resolved and put in the past instead of the present. You can still remember them but you don't relive them quite as often. It'd be like me reading these stories...it's terrible and heartbreaking and I feel stuff in the pit of my stomach reading about what happened to you, but I personally am not reliving it. I am witnessing it as a removed third person viewpoint. That's what I've found emdr can do for my own memories. It isn't perfect. I still get flashback type experiences but it isn't all the time anymore.

[Little2Nothing]

Thanks NK. I think you're right anything I could have done would have ended in disaster. 

Armee if I can get to the point you described I would be grateful. It is refeeling the terror and panic that is the worst. Also, the attendant guilt and shame. 

[Little2Nothing]

The last two days have been difficult. Memory, especially emotional memory, can be cruel. You would think after 60 years that the pain associated with memories would begin to dissipate. Time heals nothing it seems. Now that I am older the things of the past seem more acute. Maybe it is because you are more aware of what you lost.

The things I recently recounted are refusing to let go. How do you shut off the replay? It seems impossible at times. I find myself feeling more lonely, sad and angry over the past few days. The dark pit of loneliness is the worst. I'm glad I can vent here, but that doesn't fill that void. At this pint I not sure anything really could. The aloneness is attached to something long gone. There is no going back to meet the need, so it remains unfulfilled.

The people responsible for my struggle are all long gone. There is no confronting them. No amends to be made. It is a black void that I must wrestle with and overcome. 

I see my T once a week and other than that time I have no other way to verbalize what I am feeling. I openly admit that I am weak and vulnerable. The struggle is mine alone. I fear I am searching for something I will never find, a fool looking for the Holy Grail of closure. I apologize for my random thoughts and negativity. Hopefully all of this will go away soon.