Morning and fear

[Lakelynn]

I figured out that I am way more "sensitive" when I am in a horizontal position.

This caught me completely off guard! It is so "simple" yet so elusive.

I never considered body position in extracting or linking memories or experiences. This makes so much sense to me, and I can use it immediately. For years, when I lay down at night in preparation for sleep, I start to breathe differently, like an asthma attack. My heart pounds with no external stimulus. I always wondered what that was about.

Rationally, my mind can be neutral or dissociated. A side note here" dissociation has always served me well, I never considered it a downside, UNTIL I am dropped into a reality where my memories are active. Strangely enough, the repression and compartmentalization seems to disappear when I'm horizontal. Snippets from very early coming creeping in.

When I was in middle school, I would cry immediately on waking up. Every single day. Simultaneously I began to pull out my hair. The crying stopped, but re-emerged this past fall. Fifty eight years of hair pulling was only stopped by breast cancer, 

[Chart]

Shankara, Thanks for your feedback and sympathy. Sadly you seem to know too well what I went through. I too am deeply sorry for you. I send you strength and good energy. We will continue to work. The thing I tried the other morning was to tell my inner child over and over that this feeling comes from the past. It is over now. Here, now you are no longer in danger. I think I said this to my IC (inner child, is IC right?) a hundred times. Eventually I got up to make myself my morning tea. The fear faded as usual being upright. But the next morning I awoke with 70% less intense fear in my abdomen. Perhaps it is unrelated but the more I seem to "speak" to my IC the more my anxiety seems to break apart. I don't know if I'm making huge progress but it does seem some small and significant changes are occurring. I suggest we try everything. Be patient and open to sensing small changes/improvements. I think this work makes us special... different... I don't wish trauma on anybody, but we who have it, and are conscious and desire change for the better, know things and on a deeper level than much of human population. Anyway, it is the way it is. I hope you feel my support. We will thrive more and more, I feel it in my heart. Good luck and thanks for your kind words.

[Lakelynn]

But the next morning I awoke with 70% less intense fear in my abdomen. Perhaps it is unrelated but the more I seem to "speak" to my IC the more my anxiety seems to break apart.

Chart, That sounds like progress.

[Chart]

Thanks for sharing Lakelyn. Sorry for the late response. I'm still figuring out the bells and whistles of the forum so I think I mix certain stuff up. Still can't figure out the Alerts' system... Anyway, yeah body position is really interesting and what it can trigger. Everything counts in our inner work and I try to really listen to my body. It can tell so much but stopping to listen isn't very natural but I'm working on it. Hair pulling sounds very telling. Remember all these things are your brain's efforts to heal and comfort. Considering what we have experienced our brains have their work cut out for them. It's an intensive weight-training workout for the brain... that goes on for years. Sorry to hear about your cancer. I send you love and support.

[Lakelynn]

Chart, I know you're new. I never, ever put expectations on replies here. Elsewhere, yes, but not here.

Figuring out the ways this forum works can take time. And I've been here on and off for 10 years, and still can't remember some things! Doesn't matter. Eventually, everything gets said, done and read. I'm glad you're here. I've used the body position idea every day/night since I read about it. Thank you!

The BC diagnosis set me back into my old, paranoid view of myself in the world, but I am "bouncing back." Not forcing myself to do anything other than embrace what I have every day. Thank you for your support, it makes a difference. 

[PaperDoll]

Sorry I am a bit late to this thread but wanted to say thank you Shankara for starting it.

I can relate to what you wrote about waking up with fear, deep sadness about being alive and nausea. I'm glad that you found therapy helpful and yoga.

Chart, I like the idea of speaking to our inner child to comfort him/her. I will try that too.

I came across some other suggestions for morning anxiety:

- drink a large glass of water upon waking to flush out the cortisol
- 15-60 seconds of cold water at the end of a morning shower to calm the nervous system
- positive affirmations

[Chart]

Thanks PaperDoll. I'm gonna try the water ideas seeing as my morning anxiety has exploded in the past two days (I think due to going back on prozac).

[Lakelynn]

I agree with Chart PaperDoll. I do water in the morning, but need to increase it to make a difference. I've read a lot about the cold shower thing, and I think maybe I could stand 15 seconds!

[Chart]

No way I can do a cold shower. I'm super sensitive to cold. I wrap up all winter long and can support the heat of boiling summer but not the cold. What would be best is exercise but I just don't have the willpower right now.

[Shankara]

No way I can do a cold shower. I'm super sensitive to cold. I wrap up all winter long and can support the heat of boiling summer but not the cold

I get that.. It's definitely not for everyone.. maybe sometimes we just know what works for us..

The cold (For me, not generalizing) makes me stay in the present moment.. (I dislike that wording tho because it sounds a bit woo woo) and Cold feels weirdly as if I'm home.
Which is strange because I come from South Asia.

Sending support @chart.. I'm sure you'll find some kind of excercise with time when it's doable..!

[Chart]

Thanks Shankara, maybe hot-climate folks can stand cold better and cold-climate folks can stand hot better. I think my recent ancestors had nordic genetics. Maybe that's why I prefer heat and avoid cold... just hypothesizing out loud...

[Chart]

And thanks for the exercise encouragement. Didn't happen today but tomorrow is another day... as Scarlet once said...

[Shankara]

Thanks Shankara, maybe hot-climate folks can stand cold better and cold-climate folks can stand hot better. I think my recent ancestors had nordic genetics. Maybe that's why I prefer heat and avoid cold... just hypothesizing out loud...

Interesting.. maybe there's some truth there..
Welk the excercize thing.. you might walk a lot??? Dancing?

Good wishes your way!

[Shankara]

Been having some bad mornings and then again where I felt "ok"...


There's some inner turmoil going on and a part of thinks that If I eat properly, I do my asanas, when I eat well, reduce sugars and other artificial stuff I can control this situation. This is unfortunately also something I tend to believe when I'm depressed. The harder it gets the more disciplined I must become. But this again is a form of trying to control some aspect of my self, be it emotionally or my physical body hoping to heal. It helps but it also reminds me of Joan didion "we tell ourselves stories in order to live".. it's also  human, nothing wrong about that, but I'm also running away from certain truths.. it's easier to control some aspect of "whatever" rather than confronting the real demons.

I also felt pride about the fact that despite going through * in my childhood  *, I'm disciplined and functioning almost like -look at me, look how healthy and disciplined I am- which comes with a deep sense of feeling inferior, and by showing how fit I am I kind of want to show play my strength. Deep down though I'm shattered and fragile.. same old dilemma..

[PaperDoll]

Hi Shankara, I can relate to what you say about feeling shattered and fragile deep down while disciplined and functioning. Something which I have been doing recently which has helped me manage my anxiety is a 10 minute breathwork practice by Yoga with Adriene. I also try and do one of her at home yoga videos everyday if I can, even just for 20 minutes if I have a busy day. I stopped doing the 30 seconds of cold water as I found it didn't make a lot of difference for me however everyone is different so I think it's worth trying different strategies until we find what works. Wishing you well