How can i release my anger and rage?

[Indigochild]

Hi,

Just a question- Does anyone know how to release their anger and rage that they have kept in for so long whilst growing up?

Im only just starting to realise what happened to me during childhood...from the help of my partner. I had no idea it was emotional abuse.
He is so lovely and validates my experience and is shocked at what happened to me...something i have never had and it makes me cry and feel so amazing and heard and not as alone, but at the same time, the inner critic pops up and i defend my parents...i cant believe that it was them and that I'm not bad.
Everyone else seems so worthy of that story apart from me.
It seems too *good to be true* (whilst it really is hideous and not good at all)
but it is more comfortable to believe it is me.
Right now I'm digesting this new...information..im just in a state of shock and disbelief. I bet thats normal and part of the process of realisation.

Im afraid to express anger as i feel ill explode and die and that ill trash the house and everything in it.

Does anyone know how to healthily express anger? I feel for the first time that i need to rage at my parents, the people who did it and i cant believe it- at the same time understanding why they are the way they are.

All my life i have had to hold all feelings in from them, and now i feel i want to show them the effect they had on me.

[Rrecovery]

Here are some suggestions:
Write them letters that you do not send.  Allow the letters to be stream of consciousness, no censoring at all.  You may need to write and reread many such letters.
Go out into the woods and scream at them, throw stones, break branches.
There is the empty chair technique where you imagine someone in an empty chair and really tell them off.

You are at a wonderful turning point in your recovery.  Anger work has been called the backbone of healing.  Inner-child work is helpful for taking the responsibility off of yourself and putting it where it belongs, on the abusers.  Bradshaw's "Homecoming" is a wonderful guide for this.

You Go Girl!!!!!        

[littlepalm]

Thanks Rrecovery.

I am starting to write my letters to rid myself of resentment, as I DO realize that everytime I think about the things which have been done to me, I am revictimizing myself....the abusera are not even affected...not thinking of me at all...are not in psychological pain..are able to live their lives....not going to T...not trying different medications, etc.

I am full of anger. I hope the letter writing helps me with this. It WILL...I am taking back my power!

[Indigochild]

Littlepalm

Hi Recovery,

just came across this thinking i had replied, but i hadn't - no idea why not- i must of thought i had already, so sorry!
I hope your are doing ok Recovery.

Thank you so much Recovery for your reply.
i have just found out some new information about my parents. Not dealing so well.
I hope i wil be able to try your letter to them, unmailed, when i feel more comfortuble about delving into my feelings. Right now I'm doing everything i can to run away from them.

I like the idea of going out into the woods, will just have to find some where not many people go by. I would feel sad at breaking branches, but i feel its needed. I feel very sad at expressing anger as well as afraid and guilty. not sure why.

I never thought expressing anger would be so hard. Maybe its so hard because as you say, its a *turning* point.

I will check out Bradshaws Homecoming too.

And Littlepalm, I do hope you can also do this too. Will be really good for you.
Hope your ok too.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi,

Just a question- Does anyone know how to release their anger and rage that they have kept in for so long whilst growing up?

[...]

Im afraid to express anger as i feel ill explode and die and that ill trash the house and everything in it.

Does anyone know how to healthily express anger?

The first clue you yourself already mention is: find a time and place that's save for YOU. And anything you can come up with that fits your idea of safe is OK.

Personally, I like walks in parks or beaches, preferably (near) empty ones. There I can rage all I want, I can jump and shout and kick air all I want. Such places are also good for me, because I can literally 'voice'/vocalize my inner ramblings/arguments I have with my (perceived) abusers. It's wonderful how stress-releasing only saying things out loud is. Additional bonus: sometimes you hear saying yourself really silly things, but as well sometimes I find myself amazed at how well I can 'put to words' the feelings I have or had.
Over time I've (largely) overcome the shame if somebody does pop-up. I know I'm sane, and so I care less and less of what they might think of me 'talking out loud to/with myself'.

TRIGGER ALERT BELOW


edited to test: I guess white is a pretty good color to make a triggering part pretty unreadable unless you highlight it
edited to test: I guess beige is a pretty good color to make a triggering part pretty unreadable unless you highlight it




Another good one is to rage in front of a big mirror (body-size). It's more confrontational, as I can really SEE my own anger, even if I cannot feel it that well. The rage tends to intensify quickly. The trigger alert is that our brain subconsciously tends to mimic (mirror) the mood another person is expressing via the body-language (fear,joy etc., thus anger too) so you are in a way setting yourself up to become increasingly angry through looking at this angry human face/body opposite you. But it's a great tool if you have difficulty allowing yourself to express the anger you feel you have inside, but somehow you keep blocking yourself to release it.

Alternatively you can shop for really cheep and ugly 'china', and smash that up when you feel like it. This way you won't destroy anything dear 

[Indigochild]

Hi

Thanks for your response.

I have no idea whats safe and ok. It would have to be like...a cave or something haha.

The first clue you yourself already mention is: find a time and place that's save for YOU. And anything you can come up with that fits your idea of safe is OK.

Ive never tried the mirror thing. And i especially like the idea of breaking cheap china.

Thanks a lot 

[Kubali]

Hi Indigochild

My favourite thing to do when I'm raging is to grab a pillow and swing it over the top of my head and bring it crashing down on the bed. Over and over until my arms ache.

It does no damage to anything and has the added advantage of being a) easily accessible and b) soft and comforting for collapsing on afterwards.

Sometimes I do this several times if the rage starts building again. I did the mirror thing for a while, but one day the self-loathing got so bad I puched the mirror and it shattered. I Have stuck with the pillow thing ever since.

Another thing that is a handy useful rage-reducer is to empty out the dirty laundry onto the floor and kick it all round the room as hard as you can.

As you can see I'm into damage limitation now after the episode with the mirror.

Kubali

[Indigochild]

Hi Kubali

Thanks for that. That sounds good actually.
I hope your hand was ok after you smashed your mirror.

[woodsgnome]

ANGER RELEASE GONE WRONG...

I started to respond to this thread yesterday, and pulled back when it became very triggering for me...so perhaps a TRIGGER ALERT may be in order for others who've experienced any group activity that went sour and/or hurt them.

I had a horrible experience a few years ago. I was taking part in what was called an "intensive" group, not specifically geared to therapy but more general psychological health. The facilitator wasn't a therapist but had run a healing center and offered programs that were well-regarded. The approach was part structured but also "free range" for lack of a better term. The group met for 6 hrs the first 3 nights, then 12 hrs the last 2 days, and generally things went well.

I'd been in a couple of these before, they'd gone well, and noticed that some others had found relief via a process wherein they used rubber bats to vent about some inner issue. Usually the facilitator would ask for something that the individual found stressful, perhaps recalling a word that triggered them, something said by a parent, teacher, abuser, etc.--I guess the theory was that hearing the triggers would facilitate the anger, the participant would flail the bats, and...well, I"d seen several people do this voluntarily and they seemed to find great relief from it. I'm not the sort to be very willing to do anything of the sort in public, although I've since learned the enormous value of doing so alone as per Walker and many of the suggestions already found on this thread. But I was desperate to find something to release my inner pain at least a little, and based on the other reactions I saw decided I'd like to try it. It seemed a safe bet, there was an experienced leader, caring people, what could go wrong?

So the facilitator scoped out some of my triggering words and some people volunteered to role-play the people who'd said them. And yes, it brought up anger, and I had this bat in my hand, and began to vigorously hit the floor with it, venting some pretty angry language...BUT soon I turned all that anger on myself--the inner critic emerged big-time, and  I began berating myself for being such a loser, what's wrong with me, etc. Then, for some reason the facilitator had the group members actually hold me down at one point while continuing the verbal triggers. I'm guessing that was supposed to induce me to fight back? I never did get a clear answer afterwards from the leader, which made me feel even worse   

If the intent was to relieve my stressful memories, the result was the exact opposite. My mind was almost spinning in fright, and finally I just started to cry, and went limp, curled up in "don't hit" mode; not what was expected, apparently, and when they backed off, I softly said to please stop, I'd spent so many years fighting, not this, please end what you're doing. Well, they may have gotten that message but mine was only one of a public EF and it was utterly shame-filled. I felt no release and the grief and utter, sad loneliness flooded back.  Plus there was the utter confusion--I'd trusted the facilitator not to take anyone into a situation beyond the pale. This wasn't an encounter group, or something of that sort. Afterwards, the leader asked the group to support me in the vaguest sense and never adequately explained why/what or follow up with me individually about it. It was like, oh well, just another group surprise. So for someone with issues of trust to begin with...

Now, many years after I've learned how to more safely vent. But I  wanted to point out the hazards of doing this in a group setting. Perhaps it CAN be beneficial...I'd seen the others find some relief, but they weren't physically handled in the process, either. 

Odd, I still feel like what went wrong might have somehow still been my fault; and clearly it wasn't, and I'm still quite upset, and keep the message at hand: it wasn't my fault.

[Indigochild]

Hi woodsgnome

and wow. Im so sorry that you had to go through that!!
That was a huge trigger.
Sounds terrifying, humiliating....all the rest.
And I'm so glad you shared what happened.

I had never thought about the inner critic coming up when releasing anger.
It makes sense, I thought that anger was a more powerful emotion, and that the inner critic wouldnt emerge, but it makes sense for it to do so.
And having others there who you might have thought were judging you?
would have made the inner critic pop up.

I am sorry this thread triggered you.
I didnt think it needed a warning....I have been triggered by things on here before when there was no trigger warning...I guess it is very individual to the individual, so I'm sorry about that.

Perhaps what happened when the inner critic came forward, is that the IC is a defence against pain, and you perhaps were near feeling pain...? ...even if you couldn't contiously feel it.
I always feel that my anger would kill me. I suppress it because I'm afraid of it.
It feels huge and so out of control.

Another possibility is that maybe you were afraid that the group members would make you pay for the anger you displayed, as once your parents would have? Or they gave you that message that anger wasnt ok?
You put yourself in a very vulnerable position, a scary, courageous thing to do, and it sucks that it didnt work out.

Perhaps the guy leading the group saw this as a good time to tallment someone...or he just thought it would help.
Its not good that you didnt get a clear answer, maybe he felt too bad or guilty, as he s hurt you and realised that he didnt do the right thing in his practise. Or maybe he did do it on purpose to hurt you.
Thats the thing, unfortunately not everyone is in those sorts of jobs for the right reasons.

It must of been awful to have an ef in public like that.
Perhaps the facilitator and you putting your trust in him and it being ruined, resembled the past also.

Thankyou for pointing this out.
It definatley wasnt your fault. I can tell even from only reading your story.
Its probably you defences against your caregivers coming up, as your most likely always blamed yourself.

I hope that you really start to *feel* like it wasnt your fault when you are ready.

[Kubali]

Indigochild

Yes my hand healed quickly. I have never been that concerned with physical wounds and ailments. It's the emotional ones that floor me every time !

Thank you for asking. You seem so very caring and considerate.

Kubali

[Indigochild]

Awww...no problem Kubali 
I do care, and even though emotional pain is more painful, I do hope that the physical pain healed and that your hand healed ok.
I undestand, i think that emotional hurt can hurt more than physical. (In fact, I find that physical pain takes away emotional pain.)

Im not sure the mirror thing is such a good idea, but good thought.
I heard about the inner critic coming up when anger is released. 
I hope one day you can stop being angry with yourself.
You deserve to like what is looking back at you in the mirror.

haha, hope that didnt come across as too cringey! 

[Indigochild]

ps. forgot to include TRIGGER warning for above post, its probably too late now. Just writing that for the moderators.

[woodsgnome]

Indigochild,

It wasn't al all the thread's theme that triggered me, and I concur with all the suggestions of the respondents.  It was my own trigger when I started to respond to it that I was referencing--I literally started to write that experience and couldn't finish the day before. The only reason I tagged a trigger alert was in case someone else may have had a rotten group experience...that was all, but it wasn't due to the thread topic...I wrote this before, but I guess I must not have hit the "send" button. So here goes....sorry if it seemed I meant the trigger in response to the thread topic.

[tired]

No idea
The letter idea sounds good mostly because I don't want to do it and have never done it which likely means it's going to be useful.

I mostly turn it inward on myself and that feels calming.

I also channel my energy into helping others and that's actually very helpful and somehow is an instant fix . It makes the universe feel ok. However it only works if I have someone who needs me. Or if I figure out how to be helpful . I get mad at people who don't need me or value me so maybe it depends on what is behind the anger.

I don't actually think that general raging (ex breaking things ) works unless it relaxes the mind so you can reframe your thoughts.