Back to black

[Dina]

I have not been here for quite some time now. I've been spiraling down for weeks. I've been in bed for the past week. Back to black and I just can't believe I'm here again, isolating myself, abandoning myself.

I'm so disappointed at myself, I thought I had new resources, I really thought I wasn't going to hit this low again. But here I am, not being able to even cleanse myself. It's embarrassing.

The self-critic in my head is the worst. I need to numb myself watching true crime documentaries the whole day, otherwise I can't take it. I won't hurt myself, I can't I won't do that to my children, ever. I'm not alone, my husband is here, so I'm  safe. But the thoughts, the thoughts are there tormenting me. And I just can't. I just want this to pass.

I am reaching out. I don't know for what. But I figured that if I want this to pass I need to do something. And writting this is the only thing I can do now while I wait for my therapy session.

[PaperDoll]

Hi Dina,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way but glad to hear you are safe. I hope your upcoming session with the therapist will help you feel better. 

I will share a link below to the charity Mind's website which has some suggestions for coping strategies which I have found helpful in the past when I am really struggling:

https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/what-can-i-do-to-help-myself-cope/

PaperDoll

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry you are in the black zone right now Dina, it's a horrible place to be as so many of us know. Reaching out here is a good step out of the dark so kudos to you for gathering up the strength to get out of bed and ask for some comfort from other survivors.

Do you know what precipitated this? Sometimes naming what triggered us gives us a measure of control over it. We're here to listen and give you a virtual hug if that helps

[NarcKiddo]

We stand with you as you make your way through this tough time.

[Blueberry]

Standing with you Dina   I've been there or similar countless times too. Unfortunately part of cptsd. I do hear that you are disappointed in yourself and I understand that too because that comes easily to me too when I'm stuck in darkest depression. But when I'm not there, like today, I know not to be disappointed in myself. If you could change rn and not be in that dark place, you would. But we can't just snap out of it. In fact, I often come out of it when the time is right like magic, w/o doing anything. idk if it's like that for everybody with cptsd though. Sending empathy and rest for as long as you need it. 

[Dina]

Thank you all for the support. It means a lot to me.

I had therapy on Friday. He brought up the idea of a clinic, in that context I would have 2 options: 8 weeks of in-patient care or 12 weeks of a program (5 days per week from 8am to 4pm). I'm scared about either option. Am I really that bad? It might be because my husband says that I've been in bed for many days now.

I went out one day to a Museum with my family, and I was dragging myself through the whole thing. Needless to say, the next day I was in bed and barely ate.

The clinic topic also came up 2 years ago, and I was also scared. I didn't go. I keep wondering what if I had gone then? Would it be better now? Will I be asking myself these same questions in two  years if I don't go now? But I'm scared of being alone, with strangers in an unknown place. Who will take care of my kids in the meantime? We'll need to get someone to be with them. What if they harm them?

I don't know what to do. I'm completely torn. I can't seem to have the will to get up and do something useful. I hate this, I really really hate this.

[Blueberry]

Dina, I've been inpatient quite a number of times. It was very helpful. It was hard too, a lot of internal work, but inpatient you have the time and space for that the way you don't at home.

You're not 'that bad' either health-wise or morally. You need help and you're being offered it.

I understand being frightened of being in a strange place with strangers, but once you're inpatient they are soon no longer strangers. Sometimes there are even 'old' patients allocated to greet each new patient and welcome them, help them feel a little at home.

I also understand being frightened about who will take care of your children, because I heard from mothers in clinics where that had been a worry. I don't actually have children, only furbabies which was a worry for me too. But solutions can be found and are found which are good and safe for the children. It's an investment so that you can be better there for your children when you come back out.

 

[Kizzie]

Dina, perhaps you can go on a tour of the clinic and speak to staff there about what exactly the programs entail?  It may help to allay some of your fears. I went to an inpatient and outpatient program in 2022 and it did help bring me out of my depression thankfully.

[Dina]

UPDATE
I've been in a psychiatric clinic for almost 4 weeks now for a depressive crisis intervention. I thought I was doing better, but I had a major setback last weekend. I'll be here for another 2 weeks. I feel so broken, so damaged. I never ever thought that I would be in a psychiatric institution, and that I would feel like I belong here for the moment (it might be depression talking, but who knows).
It's like I'm suddenly waking up and becoming aware of all my trauma. I don't understand how I was able to function for the past 20 years of my life, I don't recognize myself as that person anymore. I somehow built up a life that it's too big for me now. I already quit my job, but it wasn't enough. I can't even be around my kids now. I can't (I won't) quit on them, but how the * am I going to be a good mother to them if I can't even take care of myself? I feel so useless when I'm around my kids, that I don't want to be with them, and that is just * up. What kind of mother am I?

Doctor said that I'm trying too hard, that accepting myself and my situation would actually be helpful for me. But I'm lost, I'm so lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I've been on new meds for little over a week now. And yes, after almost 10 years I'm able to sleep the whole night through (still wake up from nightmares but I can go right back to sleep) but still I feel tired in the morning because my body gets really tense during the nightmares.

I am now looking for a new therapist. I realized that I'm staying with my current therapist because I felt I didn't have any other options, but now, here they say that I can do an inpatient trauma therapy treatment if I can't find an ambulant therapist.

[Blueberry]

  

I hear you.

I know it's really hard to believe but things will get better bit by tiny bit.

Sending lots of good healing energy from here on OOTS

[OwnSide]

Hi Dina,

I don't know if this will be helpful to you, but what you said about wondering how you are going to be a good mother resonated with me. I don't have children; I have a much younger sister that I help take care of, and I constantly wonder if I'm providing enough support or if I'm secretly hurting her in ways I can't see. Sometimes the depression is such that I hesitate to touch her, fearing I'm going to "get my rot on her"; my love feels like a performance. I once said to my therapist, "I don't want this to happen to her," and my therapist replied, "What is 'this'? You are gesturing at yourself."

She reminded me that I am not "agentless" -- that I am in therapy and I have been trying to get better. You are not agentless. You are in therapy and you are trying to get better. I haven't been where you are; perhaps someone else has. But that shame/resilience process of wanting to be well for somebody else and not being there yet -- that's valid as heck. Those deficit thoughts can feel very very true but that doesn't necessarily mean they are.

I am really glad you are trying to get better and I'm sorry there's more to unpack than you thought.

Take care 

[Rizzo]

Hi there,

I deeply connect with every word you wrote.
I can say from my own experience that what you're going through reminds me of myself.
I feel like sometimes getting out of bed is the hardest task there is. I understand there are people I'm important to, but sometimes I feel like I'm not capable of anything.
You are very brave to share like this.
I hope things get better and you feel better soon. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Sending a virtual hug.