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Started by Waterfall, April 29, 2015, 09:38:48 PM

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Waterfall

Hello,

I'm 26 and was abused from an early age by my mother's brother, ending when I was almost six when I told (and was believed by) my parents about what was happening.

I've recently become frustrated with internet searches, reading and research about C-PTSD. I was excited to find a few months ago a more accurate and thorough description of C-PTSD than I'd ever encountered -- Pete Walker's various essays on C-PTSD, depression, abandonment issues and the four F's.

However, I found I needed to dive deeper and that the waters are just too shallow.

I'm hoping that if I keep searching, I will eventually find more information.


These past few years have been a culmination of terribleness for me. I had my first psychotic break two years ago, brought on by the first contact with my uncle I've had since my childhood. (He called on the phone.)

He is not a danger to me any more as I am not a child, but I have faced explosion after explosion of time bombs that had been waiting in my mind for years.

After being committed to various government-run mental institutions and attempting suicide a number of times, I felt I had worked through the trauma with a little help from a therapist, research, and family + friend support, and had reached a stable place from which to grow. I understood my fear better, and was not scared all the time, hallucinating or having panic attacks.

Then, about six months ago, I started remembering the abuse I had experienced. Although I had been told about it, I had blocked out much of the memory of my childhood and had gradually been remembering everything but the abuse-- but then it just broke through.

In the following months I began to experience what Dr. Walker refers to as "emotional flashbacks." I would almost literally become that 5-year-old girl who was going through abuse.

While horrible, I've come to see these emotional flashbacks as a way to understand what happened to me and how my psyche reacted.

A lot of the time I feel confused about my personal relationships, sexuality, social awareness, attachment-- anything relating to other human beings. I'm having to disentangle my traumatized reactions and mechanisms from my actual identity, which is fragmented and seems as weak as a newborn kitten.

Recently I feel I've gotten a bit of a handle on my emotions, flashbacks, and memories, but I know there is much more to understand, especially from other people.


C.

Wow Waterfall.  You have a terrific awareness of your experience both on an intellectual and emotional level.  Welcome.  You've found a great place to dive deeper in to understanding and coping w/C-PTSD.  I like how you describe the need for more depth.  I felt the same way after reading Walker's book.  Like finally someone created a thorough outline, but I need to fill in a lot of the content for myself.

There are some great topics here to help you w/that, one is "Relationship to Others."  Please feel free to read, comment and create questions as you go through this next stage of healing. 

There's also an important section about member guidelines.  I reviewed it when I first joined several months ago and it's helped me to understand and frame my responses and questions in a way that works best for me.

Again, welcome to this community.  I trust with the perseverance that you've already shown you will find even more support and information from this forum.  Thank you for joining in and sharing about yourself.

Sandals

:hug: Welcome, Waterfall. Your story really called out to me. I think you'll see a lot of what you've described here in regard to triggering events and blocked memories unleashing.

In addition to what C has suggested, I think you might find the Inner Child board helpful. What you've described, the "weak as a newborn kitten" is a very accurate description. Despite all of the layers of protection and defences you developed to survive the trauma in childhood, your inner child is still very young, vulnerable and calling out to you. When you can make that connection within, you will find a great source of love and peace.

Best of luck in your journey - we're here for you.

Rrecovery

Hi Waterfall and Welcome  :wave:  I agree with Sandals that inner-child work may be part of what you're looking for to go deeper and reclaim your true self more completely.  Bradshaw's "Homecoming" is a wonderful guide for this work.  I feel very inspired by your story.  The fact that the memories themselves are breaking through means you are strong enough to bear them, and you will be able to process them, which means you will heal from the abuse and experience wholeness.  I know this is a difficult time in your process, I also "know" or feel very certain you will succeed.  You are an inspiration.  Glad you are here  :hug:

Waterfall

Thank you all for the warm welcome and the recommendation towards the Inner Child board.
I will continue reading and also check that out!

One article I've found (by browsing this forum) very helpful but also another type of fill-in-the-blank-y is this one:

http://undividedjournal.com/2012/11/29/the-ultimate-secure-base-healing-insecure-attachment-in-the-nondual-field/

It talks about using nondual awareness together with relational healing to help with attachment problems. I know other humans are very important in the healing process of C-PTSD-- I'm glad to say I have some strong and healthy relationships in my life, though figuring out the steps of healing is kind of touch-and-go. However, I believe as long as relationships are loving and communication + determination is strong progress will be made... and it has so far.

Rrecovery

Thank you for the link to this wonderful article! It is very well articulated.  It made me aware of nondual awareness on a deeper, more meaningful level.  It also clarified the paradox of no-self and the importance of healing the self in a way that is very clear and rich.