Hi-
In my mind, I am still that 11 year old little girl.
I am an only child. My father was my primary parent as my uPD mom was too concerned with her FOO. I knew this at an early age~maybe 5-6. I remember "hating my grandmother" and verbalizing it. My mother's mother, my mother's master.
My father died suddenly of natural causes when I was 11 yrs and 7 days old. One week after my birthday. That month is "evil" to me. My mother, of course, was in shock, and her mother was trying to boss her around. NO one cared about that little 11 yr old girl. I am crying as I type. They still do not and it is almost 40 yrs later.
I was a child at 11....very innocent. But I knew I could not allow UPDM to live w/ her parents with ME.I really did not care about her. I remember telling her I would go with my Aunt. The only reason she kept our house was she would have been too embarrassed not to have her daughter live with her. It was not about me at all. All about other's perceptions.
No one hugged me, no one talked to me that my father was really dead. I thought he was coming back & remember placing apicture in his suit jacket so he would be able to find me. She saw me do this. WTH??
I remember freaking out, screaming & crying when her parents would come to our house, with me in it alone, to "help" her. Help her do what? My mother could help herself through the grief by obtaining valium for her "nerves" & shock, but what about me? Today I would probably be placed in T...and have much more info at my fingertips. I would ask PD Mom not to allow her parents to be ther while she was at work....Never happened, no matter what I did. I remember having a tug of war with her mother when a large envelop came to the house. Horrible memory. PD mom could NEVER disobey her mosy likely PD mother. No one cared about me.
Did she think the furniture was going to talk to me? help me? be nice to me, pay attention to me, etc.....I wanted a dog, but that was not allowed.
I have suffered w/ depression on & off for my whole life. I have a huge fear of abondonment. I do not trust many people. I do love animals. I was fairly functional for a long time, but in the last 5 years I have been self isolating, withdrawn, anxious, etc. Basically I had a "psychological break".
TRIGGER-I was date raped. I never told my mother, it was revealed in a fight/arguement. She looked at me and stated "It was your fault", "You asked for it", and something else similar. She is mean, but portrays to the outside world she is OH SO KIND
. Everyone was fooled and still is.
I am sorry to vent. I do believe I have CPTSD. I read Trauma & Recovery on the advice of one of my T's. It struck a lot of "chords". I am still 11. I have never been married, no children. I am lonely. I just would like to take care of orphaned animals.
Interesting fact- Yesterday I brought this up.....Her response. "DID I hit you?" No. I reminded her that not all abuse is physical. I asked her to think of how frightened I was when she would "Joan Crawford" out, start talking in a strange voice, about what a good mother she was..comparing herself to my friends.....That caused a physical pain & was scarey
. No answer.
I was neglected and emotionally abused by my mother for years. I did not deserve it, No one does. I am enough and always was.
Thanks for listening.
littlepalm
