Giving up & faith

[Marianne]

I have c-ptsd from childhood. It worsened in adulthood because I maneuvred myself in re-traumatising situations over and over. I've fought so hard...but I'm at a point where I want to give up. And maybe ask for euthanasia. I find it hard to see how it can ever get better. I hate myself.

Can anyone help me see light again? Especially from a faith perspective?

I come from a family with much intergenerational trauma. My parents tried their very best. But I was sexually abused by an uncle. And this started a very destructive dynamic between me and my nuclear family. Where I was blamed by them, and they were blamed by me. I was scapegoated by parents and brothers. And there were some unhealthy emotional/physical behaviours from their side. I also fought in stupid ways. Whilst the sexual predator (uncle) went unseen.

As a grown up I functioned superficially well. When deep down I was damaged. And thus picked harmful partners over and over.

When I got pregnant, and had my baby, and my ex started to aim his abuse at him as well...I suddenly woke up. And realized abuse is not normal. And not okay. I quit contact. And had to defend my kid for years in destructive family courts. CPS was horrid.

I won. But I crashed. Totally traumatized. Even worse C-PTSD. Trauma psychoses. My child went to live with my parents. And all our unhealthy patterns exploded. Because we were all under so much pressure. Because I saw things repeat itself with my kid, and freaked out. And because nobody genuinely helped us all to process trauma. They wanted me back in denial. Which was not possible. I also made all the wrong choices, walking around in blind panic. And my child suffered.

Mum died. Our goodbye was not as I wished. I hate myself for it. And carry anger at her, when I really want to love her. Because there were good moments too.

Then the whole family exploded. And I was blamed again. I definitely had a role this time. But not only I.

We drifted more and more apart. I was triggered by family over and over, becoming psychotic, and unstable to my son. I worked very hard on my part. But they refused to work on theirs. I basicly screamed and begged at them to see their part, and work together on healing, for the sake of my son...which didn't exactly make it better. Because they didn't want to hear me. And I was not exactly constructive in expressing myself.

There may be autism or a personality disorder in my dad. Which complicates the whole thing. There's things like manipulation, triangulation, problems with rigidity and cognitive empathy, avoidance of everything emotional, tactless remarks, etc. Which freaks me out. Because it reminds me of earlier and worse abuse.

So.

1. I hate myself for who I became. Sometimes I feel I'm only negative - shame, anger, fear. And it harms everyone I deal with. People who don't know me well say I'm kind and calm. But my family tells me over and over that everyone who thinks that, doesn't know me. That I am actually a very bad person. And I feel I became who they said I was. I want to isolate myself from everyone, because I am bad, and I only impact them negatively.
 
2. I hate myself for not being capable of parenting my son in a better way. I see the damage in him. And I don't know how to ever make it right. I feel we're less connected than I'd like (he's also a teen). And I don't know how to restore it. Or be there for him.

3. I am terrified of not being good enough for God, in all my brokenness. It makes me so scared. I've been very angry at God as well and feel guilty for not trusting Him better...not being a better person. I'm terrified of every wrong deed or word or even thought, fearing rejection.
 
4. I am angry at my family. I think I should forgive them. I want healing between us. But there's zero room for me and my perspective. They say they are the perfect family and I am the villain. And that everything I experienced didn't happen. They even said me being scared as a child was a sign of bad character, and had nothing to do with the incest I experienced at that time.

5. After all that happenend in my life and our society I find it hard to see the positive side of...basicly everything. I was a positive person...but after what happened with ex/cps I lost trust. I use medication. But it feels as a lie. Covering up how bad I truly am.

6. CPS is involved again and sees my trauma responses. But not the full problem in my family. So I fear that no genuine healing will ever come. I fear we're in for a second round of destruction from their side. And I don't know how to prevent that.

I want to be a whole and loving person. I want for God and my family to love me. And I them. I want my son to be untraumatized and I want to be connected to him. And him to himself. And everything I dreamt of seems more and more out of reach. Every time I try and find hope, something bad happens, and I'm back in shame and fear.

Sorry for the negative story. But I'm reaching out...because I don't know where to find the strength to carry on. I just...I can't live with myself. And I fear the impact my son has suffered from my (and others) mistakes. :-/

If anyone has a bit of hope or light or faith to share...that would be most helpful. Sorry for complaining.

[Marianne]

In short: im angry at self and others for not being able to protect myself and my kid from all the trauma on all sides of the family. I begged everyone to quit denial and work on things together and they wouldn't. And I also wasn't capable of protecting us both.

I also see how God tried to protect us and I didn't listen...and then got real angry at God when things went wrong. Which was unfair. 

So now I feel like an evil person. Who will never be good enough.

And I struggle to see hope. I'm even thinking of euthanasia so I'm no longer a burden on others.

Help?

[NarcKiddo]

I am sorry for your struggles.

I am not a person of faith so I cannot really respond to your posts, but I did not want you to think they have not been noticed.

As to that - I was brought up within the Christian faith and my understanding is that if you approach God with genuine humility and remorse for your sins you will be forgiven. I was also taught that God loves everybody and is very keen to forgive. I hope that might help at least a little. I think you are definitely good enough.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Marianne

I empathize with your struggles with faith. I grew up being told God hated me. And by the fact that "god" never came and stopped the abuse, I had all the evidence i needed that God did hate me.

At 40 years of age, on a walk, and while I was in a pedestrian tunnel I finally fell apart and just screamed "GOD! Who are you REALLY?" The tunnel suddenly turned soft, like it was about to melt. The ground felt soft. I heard the words "I am everything."  That changed me at the core. I left the church after that moment. I realized God was not a mean old man who created me and then hated me for it. God was not a man at all. God was everything, everywhere, all at once.

I'm learning all about faith and hope now through some powerfully good books that have changed a lot of lives over the years. I've read a lot of blogs from https://lifeafterdogma.org/. I even contacted the author, Andrew Jasko, and spent a few weeks working with him to help get me past my self hatred. His story is similar to mine: God hated us because we weren't good enough for him. Andrew came close to suicide also.

The book that I most recommend now, is The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav. I bought a paper copy and an audible copy. I've listened to the audio version almost a dozen times now. I have a new understanding of God and of our spiritual reality. I have come to understand that God is not a person with emotions or any ability to hate. God is pure love.

I can't say much more here on the forum, as we are encouraged to not talk much about politics or religion. So I'll just let you know that I feel your pain. I have come so close to ending my own life because I had been convinced by others that God hated me and that I was some kind of a mistake who didn't deserve to even pray without apologizing for bothering "him."  The Seat of the Soul, along with a few other sources of spiritual material have gotten me past any belief that God hates anyone at all, including myself or you.

While I don't believe God is a man, I DO believe we are all connected through God, and that prayer is real, and it works. So, I'm praying for you today. I pray that you get whatever you need to help you get past this feeling of God hating you. I pray that someone says the right thing to you soon that brings you some peace and some clarity of thought. 

Sounds like your family is not helping much. I can't speak for you, but speaking only for myself, I can report that I went no contact with my family 14 years ago, at age 50 because they were still trying to make me hate myself, and they had way too much influence over me. I had to surround myself with people who could actually love me, not just say they loved me while treating me like a mistake.

[Kizzie]

Marianne, I'm not a person of any faith either so I can't comment on that aspect.  However, I do know CPTSD and I learned with my abusive family they were not ever going to take responsibility, apologize, etc.  In my case it was because my family has narcissistic personality disorder and they are no longer capable of being self-reflective so they truly do not believe they did anything wrong. The mechanics of narcissism protect them from anything that would damage their egos which are quite small and fragile due to their own trauma. Once I realized this by being at our sister site Out of the Fog and then here, I gave up looking for anything from them and that freed me in some way.

One of the things I did in therapy and here was counterbalance all the negative self talk with positive things about myself.  It was difficult to do at first because the Inner Critic kept stepping up, but eventually I could see and say that I was good at this or that, that I was a decent, caring person and so on. Now when the ICr gets going I reach into that bag of positives and think about who I really am without all the shame and guilt that was bestowed upon me by those who abused me. The negative beliefs were part of what we had to do to survive; that is, take responsibility for our abuse.

We don't have to do that anymore so I hope you will give this post a think and see if perhaps you can tell us a bit about what is good about you. Just a suggestion on my part of course and if you're not ready to try it that's perfectly fine, we all go at our own pace. NO pressure.   

[Little2Nothing]

I was a minister for over 20 years. I left the ministry because of my trauma reactions were a conundrum to me in light of the teachings of the church. For a time I had a crisis of faith. I wondered where God was and why I couldn't get past my childhood. 

I have since understood that God loved me no matter what had happened or what I had done as a consequence of my abuse. Faith gives us an anchor, but it doesn't take away the painful things that happened. It is very hard to navigate the reality of our trauma and faith because, at least for me, I had an expectation of what I should be and the reality didn't match that expectation. Even now there are days of doubt and struggle pertaining to faith, yet I keep plugging along looking for a better day. For each of us that journey is different.

[Blueberry]

And I struggle to see hope. I'm even thinking of euthanasia so I'm no longer a burden on others.

If you're having a huge crisis as regards this, please turn to somebody IRL. See:
https://www.outofthestorm.website/emergency

I was told for years by FOO that I was a burden and/or it was insinuated. I'm wondering if somebody told you that too? Apparently it's not normal to see yourself as a burden, though of course trauma can make it seem normal. I don't see you being a burden on this forum for instance.

Living with cptsd can seem hopeless, but it does get better (probably not 100% - certainly not in my case) but certainly better bit by bit.

In short: im angry at self and others for not being able to protect myself and my kid from all the trauma on all sides of the family. I begged everyone to quit denial and work on things together and they wouldn't. And I also wasn't capable of protecting us both.

It was brave to speak up and ask everyone to quit denial!! You tried! You were active, not passive. That's a good step. Unfortunately, we can ask and beg others to work on things, but we can't force them. Maybe they were incapable, I have no idea. My FOO can't change/won't change. They're not capable. Yes, I'm angry about that mostly. It's not about petting them on the head and saying "It's OK, I understand, you're doing your best" but recognising that they can't or won't for whatever reason. It's totally OK for you and me to be angry about the people in our lives who can't/won't.

You said it - you weren't capable of protecting both of you. Undoubtedly because of the trauma you're carrying, like so many of us on here. But you would've wanted to protect both of you 100% if you'd been able to. Which is different from your own FOO on both sides, if I'm reading correctly. It's different from my FOO anyway.

I also see how God tried to protect us and I didn't listen...and then got real angry at God when things went wrong. Which was unfair. 

Depending on exact denomination, this may be seen in various ways. I believe God can take it in his stride when we're angry at him. Doesn't bowl him over. I have learnt it's OK to talk to him and say everything including being angry. Better out than in, because once it's out, it can evolve. God is love and doesn't think about fair/unfair, not the way humans think about it.

So now I feel like an evil person. Who will never be good enough.

I think that's the trauma speaking. We're humans, not God. We don't have to be perfect. "never be good enough" sounds like "perfect" to me.

All my opinion. I hope I haven't trodden on any of your religious feelings. If so, ignore my ramblings. Or tell me, I can delete them for you  

[Marianne]

Thanks. I will respond more in-depth to individual responses later.

I believe God is loving and all around. I've experienced Him. I know.

I just feel...I'm not good enough for Him. I have hurt people and I feel irreparably bad.

My family has indeed always given me the message that I was worthless. And to blame for all the problems in the family. In words, deeds, gestures, neglect, etc. There was also a positive side. There was play and cuddles and laughter...as long as I stayed within their narrow lines. It was both.

What I find worse though...

Is how I took the bait.

I fought back in equally stupid ways. Telling them they were hurtful in angry ways.

I sought out a bad partner and was unstable. So that my own child suffered.

I failed to disconnect from family. And failed to forgive.

God "told" me we should quit the blamegame. And I did not. I fought back.

I am always triggered by family. I'm despairing and angry at them. This stands between me and God, I feel.

I just really don't know how not to be triggered.

And if God can forgive me, when I'm so unforgiving.

I'm not even sure if I should distance from family or seek to heal the bond. I feel torn between the two.

[Marianne]

I spoke to dad again. I feel suicidal. He is like a tank driving over you and crushing you, and not even noticing he is killing you.

I was sad about dad. My son noticed and asked. I made a sad (angry) remark about my dad. So son was sad too. Im so ashamed. The relationship with my dad turns me into a bad mother. But I don't know how to hide it anymore.

[Kizzie]

Marianne, can I just say that to me faith has some good points, but some not so good points too. If it is not a comfort to you and you feel like a bad mother and person, filled with shame and guilt, perhaps you are not looking at God in quite the way your faith intends. I'm not a believer but I feel like if I were I would see God as understanding what the trauma had done to me, that it was normal and healthy to be angry and sad, and that you deserve comfort, support and validation not harshness for things that shaped you at the hands of others. So many of us feel guilt and shame because we were taught to feel that way, and because it helped us survive if we took responsibility away from our abusers.  But that is not a true picture.  We must lay that responsibility back at the feet of those who hurt us.  I'm pretty sure your God is likely more like this than the harsh judgemental one you see.

I truly don't think you should hide it anymore     

[Little2Nothing]

Marianne, I believe Kizzie is right. God does understand the pain you endure. He also knows that you are not to blame for the mess you have lived through. 

A while back I read this and it spoke to me because I was exactly where the author was who wrote this.

"Cursed be the day on which I was born! The day when my mother bore me, let it not be blessed! Cursed be the man who brought the news to my father, "A son is born to you," making him very glad. Let that man be like the cities that the LORD overthrew without pity; let him hear a cry in the morning and an alarm at noon, because he did not kill me in the womb; so my mother would have been my grave, and her womb forever great.  Why did I come out from the womb to see toil and sorrow, and spend my days in shame?"

The person who wrote this had endured tremendous suffering and witnessed unspeakable atrocities. His reaction is normal and acceptable. Trauma causes us to doubt ourselves, God and others. We are sometimes trapped in perpetual mourning. God did not reject or punish Jeremiah for how he felt nor for his obvious depression. God knows and, I know for me, he cares. 

I have struggled at times in my faith, especially in the midst of strong emotions, depression and anxiety. Or when the past relentlessly assaults me with doubt and fear. I have to keep reminding myself that God does not blame me for my abuse, nor reject me because of my struggle.

 

[Marianne]

Thank you both. That was much needed.

[Kizzie]