Struggles with inner child work

[AphoticAtramentous]

I have struggled with the concept of the inner child. The idea seems foreign to me. The child that was, no longer exists in my mind, he died long ago. My T has talked about doing inner child work and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

My issue is that I cannot reconstruct who he is, probably more accurately don't want to. I have no empathy for this seemingly fictitious person, or at least I cannot muster any empathy. Though I sometimes think my hesitance is due to my fear of what I will find if he is produced. At best I feel ambivalence and at worst I feel disdain for it.

I have a feeling I've said this before so I apologise if I'm repeating myself, I can't exactly recall. But I feel very much the same way. I have even used the exact words, "my inner child died long ago". They're not even a part of me, and if they are, I want nothing to do with them. Children are fragile, weak, dependent, helpless, incapable - everything I no longer want to be. It feels that, if I were to admit I have an inner child, I would be admitting that I'm still powerless and vulnerable in some way. And if I'm powerless and vulnerable, then I'm in great danger.

I've actually been reflecting on all this recently, and have been expressing my anguish through creative writing. It's still in the ideas phase but I envision myself to be a monster who metaphorically "ate" my inner child. They no longer exist but by "consuming" them I have become haunted by volatile emotions and memories I don't want to believe are mine. So rather than my alleged inner child being an actual person, it's more like a blight, a ghostly possession, a condition that plagues me. And this haunting dwells in the furthest and deepest compartments of my body, submerged in the acid and darkness within me.

I realise this differs greatly to how others handle their inner child, but this seems to be the most comfortable coping mechanism for myself, despite its visceral nature.

Even when it is appropriate for me to be nominally in child state (for example needing my husband to look after me when I am ill) I do my utmost to avoid being in that position.

I get that, the thought of actually needing help is incredibly uncomfortable. It just sends me straight into an EF, and reminds me of the lack of help I received as a child. It feels far safer to just avoid being dependent wherever possible.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Dalloway]

It's still in the ideas phase but I envision myself to be a monster who metaphorically "ate" my inner child. They no longer exist but by "consuming" them I have become haunted by volatile emotions and memories I don't want to believe are mine.

Sorry, if I´m being very off-topic here, but the first thing that came to my mind reading this, was the painting Saturn Devouring His Son by Francisco Goya. The painting depicts the mythological story of the Roman god, Saturn, who eats his children because of his fear that they will kill him, based on a prophecy. And the parallel I saw here is the fear of being "overthrown" by this creature (your inner child/children and their weakness) and the need to destroy this threatening element.

Again, sorry, if I misinterpreted the meaning of what you wanted to express, I just wanted to share this with you. 

[Kizzie]

Hi Little2Nothing.  I just wanted to bring this thread back to you and see if you've found any or all of the responses are helpful?  I'm often surprised at the different points of view expressed here at OOTS, but find I'm very much informed by them.  It can also be kind of confusing too  for some when you're trying to figure things out.

[Little2Nothing]

Kizzie, et al.,

It is helpful to read all the different perspectives on inner child work. Though I have done some with my T, I still find it difficult to personify a long gone aspect of my life. 

The child that was is no more. The attached emotions may still be there, but the child no longer exists. I suppose that is my struggle. The idea of comforting, hugging, or talking to this past life seems like a futile effort. 

I know some have found great comfort in that aspect of therapy, and I wouldn't want to ever diminish that for them. 

[Papa Coco]

I don't know whether this might be helpful or not, but my struggle with inner child / IFS Parts work is that I tend to talk about the inner child, and my therapist keeps stopping me to remind me to talk WITH them, not about them. Nobody likes being talked about, but we all want to be listened to. Our inner critics and inner children and IFS parts all want to be validated and listened to, just like we do as our Self.

Sometimes my "inner child" or "IFS Part" that comes through doesn't present as a person, but simply as some feelings, emotions, and words. When my T and I ask the Part if it has anything to say to me, sometimes it talks to me without being a personified human being.

Like I say, I don't know if that helps you. It's just what I've discovered that helps me to connect with my inner voices at times.

[Regardz]

This thread is so helpful.  I didn't even know how to approach inner child work with myself although I had read about it and it had been suggested to me.  Like others who posted, I didn't know how to get in touch with her.  I have a vicious inner critic that appears in various forms always lurking behind my shoulder criticizing everything I do...even how I load the dishwasher!  In addition to the abuse from my parents, I was also bullied in my neighborhood and in school.  I was made fun of a lot and very, very lonely.  I think my inner soothing voice was just drowned out by the critic.

About six months ago, for some reason, I just started imagining a Mini Me sitting on my shoulder holding whatever emotion I was having at the moment (fear, anger, etc.) and I would tell her thank you, that it was okay to have the emotion and tell her she was safe.  This helped a bit to keep me in the moment and not go off in my head with angry (and even violent) thoughts.

One day a few months ago, I was looking for a new meditation on an app I use.  An inner child healing one caught my eye because it involved a bear.  Growing up I had the same nightmare of being chased by a big bear that I couldn't get away from.  Finally, about two years before I left my husband, my fear of the bear lessened until one night I actually shot and killed the bear.  I think it was a prophetic dream. So, when I saw this inner child meditation with the bear, I decided to try it and embrace the bear.  Honestly, I was a bit nervous because I wasn't sure how I was going to react.  Even the picture of the bear's face gave me a start.  But, I tried it. Even though inner child work had never resonated with me before, this meditation did. 

One night, after doing this meditation a couple times, I woke up in the middle of the night.  Without really thinking about it, I started recalling all the "big" abusive moments from my childhood.  In each of these moments I imagined my adult self witnessing the event and feeling the emotions my younger self was feeling (whatever the age).  When each event ended, I imagined my adult self going to my younger self and comforting her in whatever way felt right.  I started with the youngest memory (which is actually my sister's memory so I imagined what my mother had done to me at the age of 3 to cause the bruising based on her pattern of abuse).  When I did this, I felt shear terror for a few seconds.  For a moment I was afraid I was going to panic and have to wake up my wife, but I did calm down.  So, I picked my 3 year old self up and held her tight, telling her very gently that she was safe and loved and no one would ever hurt her like that again.  When I was finished going through all of the abusive events, I went back to my 3 y.o. self and took her to a safe, imaginary place and I just snuggled with her and talked to her. The next morning I didn't have my usual anxiety and felt like maybe I had made a little progress in healing.

I tried to do the same exercise a few nights later, but it didn't feel right...I guess that one time was what I needed.  But, I have started imagining my own loving arms wrapped around me when I feel angry or afraid (which is basically all the time  ).  So maybe that one night gave me the confidence to start soothing myself more as an adult?  I still can't do it a lot but I seem to be making slow progress.

I don't know if this is helpful to anyone.

[Dalloway]

Regardz, yes, this is very helpful and very similar to my experience with the inner child work. For me it also doesn´t feel right to force it, but when it is needed, it will come naturally -- the memories and the right words. Thank you for posting it. 

[Desert Flower]

That's beautiful Regarz, thank you for sharing that.

[Papa Coco]

Regardz,

That's a great post. Hopeful. I think you're wise to visit with your inner child slowly. The fear that you have associated with this beautiful little child is real, and I would think it would be best handled slowly and with care. Keep the fear at a manageable level. I absolutely do believe that as we work with our inner IFS parts, that they DO find closure and we DO get better with each conversation we have with them.

Thank you for sharing this experience with us. It's helpful.