New Here. Thought I was beating this.

[ghost1111]

Hi All, I'm here (52F), newly diagnosed but knowing this was my issue. Feeling bummed because I thought I had beat my childhood PTSD with years of therapy nearly 30 years ago, but really never developed great coping habits ended up with a Narcissistic immigrant husband who took everything I had worked for in my life after 15 years of draining me financially.

Feeling like such a freaking wimp.

I sit here and work two jobs, raise my three boys alone, pay his lazy A alimony and child support because he got it in the divorce, meanwhile I still do everything in half the time. Probably heading down a spiral soon, so I am happy to have a diagnosis and a new therapist to try to navigate everything.

Parents are both sick and in chemo, two kiddos have autism and one severely that will need to be in a group home soon.

I am a spiritual person so I wonder how in the actual F I created this nightmare of a life, and wonder how all of this is going to end up? Honestly, I would love to just move to a small town and stay in my house alone for the rest of my life and never interact with another human again.

Except that I am a musician so I have to venture out to play for an audience here and there.

Ugh, now this diagnosis. Is there any way to get through this fing life without any more goddamn trauma? Can I sue my ex for CPTSD? I am seriously thinking of it.

Steps forward, I am changing my last name because I didn't do it in the divorce 7 years ago. He still terrorizes us. This trauma keeps following us.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. Yes, trauma does have a nasty habit of following one around. 

I wish you well on your healing journey. Changing your name sounds like a helpful step.

[Little2Nothing]

Welcome Ghost1111!

[Papa Coco]

Welcome Ghost.

I'm sorry for how and why you came to need a CPTSD forum, but I'm glad you have found the diagnosis and this forum. There's healing here. There are a lot of really wonderful people on this forum, and for the most part, we are birds of a feather who understand quite a bit about what it feels like to be in similar shoes.

Welcome.

[Larry]

welcome ghost

[Cascade]

Honestly, I would love to just move to a small town and stay in my house alone for the rest of my life and never interact with another human again.

Agreed, Ghost.  I'd love to be out in the middle of nowhere.  Although... we would need good internet service to stay in touch!  

Let me tell you that you're awesome for all you do and have done and are yet to do.

I hear your anger and can empathize.  Though I'm not a lawyer, I know I would not be able to handle the stress of legal action for any matter.  I considered it last year when I discovered I'd been doing a significant portion of my supervisor's responsibilities for three years.  Wimpy?  Maybe.  Shameful?  NO!  The blame belongs with the perpetrators.

[Kizzie]

Not a wimp at all Ghost, as Cascade says the blame lies with your H. I don't know the law either but we do have some info here about accountability https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15193.0.  It may have some info to help.  There's also laws now about coercive control in a lot of countries.  I don't know if that quite fits your situation but it might. At the very least there may be pro bono lawyers who could help you take him back to court and have his alimony rescinded and order him to pay.  It sounds like that would be a reasonable court decision based on what you've described.

I just looked up where you live (only I know where that is as I am the Admin for the forum), and you actually may be able to sue for emotional distress under the personal injury laws of your location.

[Chart]

Hi ghost, sounds like you're really struggling and I'm really sorry to hear your troubles. What you're dealing with sounds really tough. And honestly I think I know as well what you're going through. My situation relates in so many ways, like most folks around here. I think we know where you're coming from and what you're up against. If you're okay with it I'd like to suggest a couple things I strongly believe. First, we with cptsd need to forgive our "errors" and let go of the guilt that comes along with all the "mistakes" we made in the past and often seem to continue making. Developmental trauma sets us up already short-changed. Our deck is missing all the aces and most of the face cards. Hard to go up against professional poker players with odds like ours. Why is this? Because the infant brain gets bushwacked right when it should be learning the basics of natural and balanced human relational systems. We just never got that. My biological father terrified me for four years. Violence brings us face to face with real death. How can an infant of four months possibly cope with that? I couldn't. No way. No one can. (And there are a plethora of traumas as well as direct violence that will produce equally devastating effects.) So our neuronal wiring took an entirely different developmental progression. No wonder I still get relational situations so screwed up. (Not to mention just constant fear, anguish, depression and sadness.) And yes, all these dysfunctional relationships I've been in all my life are entirely "my fault". But that's simply not the whole picture. We're wondering why we can't hit a target with a vague suspicion that only one eye actually sees clearly and the other is constantly being distracted by emotional hailstorms. (Not to mention a fair amount of tears.) So please, cut yourself some slack. You also mention you are spiritual and just after you pose an implied existential question as to "why" such a poop-storm of a life. Boy do I sympathize and identify with these kinds of thoughts. Here's my super quick response: an enormous number of humans are subjected to trauma in early childhood. Far more than we suspect. How we humans subsequently react is varied but pertinent. Sadly an incredibly common response is to act out in the same manner, inflicting trauma on others (especially those weaker, like children) because this satisfies an internal "pulsion" (an eye for an eye... etc) But there are others who instead try to make their pain conscious AND as much as possible, try NOT to inflict suffering on others. This latter process, in my opinion, is by far the more difficult route and inherently invites more conscious suffering. I don't believe I suffer "more" than most other people, I just believe I am more sensitive and aware. (And I don't consider myself "superior" in any way because of this.) The "why" of my life remains a mystery, but I am not better, I'm just different. And THAT part of me I deeply love. So to come full circle, my intense suffering is actually pushing me harder and harder to love myself... and more and more, and deeper and deeper... Love, the very thing my biological father utterly failed to recognize inside himself, let alone share with me. I pity him so much. But I don't pity myself. On the contrary, I feel brave, really brave for confronting the things I've faced. Ghost, shouldn't you too? Shouldn't we all?

[Chart]

I just want to add that I sincerely hope I'm not speaking in a pedantic manner. I think much of what I'm talking about we all already know. Pete Walker's book has already mentioned all this stuff as well. But maybe it's importance bears repeating. Anyway I'm hopelessly codependent and constantly projecting a negative image onto myself from "imagined" others... working on that one (amongst others) with my therapist