I feel lost

[Obsidian]

Hello all.  32 F here: I have been on medical leave from work for almost 1.5 years and starting to feel very lonely and in need of people to talk to. CPTSD, depression, anxiety, work traumas. I had a very chaotic childhood (alcholic father with bad temper that was emotionally/verbally abusive, and I protected my mother from it from a very young age). I became a nurse about 9 years ago.. in units that saw a bit of everything.. but one of the most challenging roles I did was providing palliative care. I've seen hundreds (or more) people pass away.. but it's the ones who suffered, had a traumatic death, died unexpectedly, had assisted death (this is new for me).. that I really became numb. Add on top of that the constant additional stress at work (such as COVID-19), being bullied, receiving death threats from a patient for months, and so much more. I didn't realize how poorly I was doing until I was in such bad shape mentally that going off work was the only option. One of my parents became terminally ill with cancer around the same time that I went off work and passed away a few months after. Im taking medications, doing therapy, have a small but mighty support system (just no one who truly understands what I'm going through), and a dog who gets me out of the house. But I feel lost and not sure how to find supports.

[Little2Nothing]

Obsidian welcome, glad you found us. I am sorry for all you endured and the pain you are in now. Know that you are among friends here. 

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us, though sorry you had the need to do so.

I have found everyone on this site to be helpful and supportive. Wishing you all the best as you work towards healing.

[Papa Coco]

Welcome to the forum Obsidian.

I like the name you chose. Obsidian is a good gem.

[Cascade]

Hi Obsidian,
I also like your self-identifier!  Obsidian comes to my mind as a stone that can help a person be grounded, though I'm not sure if it's truly known for that.  I hope it's a touchstone for you in some way.

I just joined, too, and have also been on medical leave since the beginning of this year.  As an educator, I also identify with being someone whose world was turned upside down by the pandemic.  I am in awe of your front-line work and thank you for all you've done as a community healer.

I can't even imagine death threats for months.  I am in awe of your strength.  Thank you for introducing yourself.  I look forward to our group time.

[Kizzie]

Hi Obsidian, welcome to OOTS and I hope you find some comfort, support and information here that helps. That is a lot of pain to be exposed to in your job so I can certainly understand how that layered on top of your past would be incredibly difficult. Good to hear you have leave from work, at least you don't have to deal with the job now.

[Obsidian]

Thanks for the messages and support !

[Kizzie]

 

[Chart]

Welcome Obsidian, yes wow sounds like you are super strong, but finally reached your limits. I feel like cptsd makes us different. Perhaps this is your case too? We see reality differently, or rather closer to what reality really is than most other people. Is that a gift? Not sure. Maybe we pay a really high price for that awareness. Sounds like you're experiencing that too. Anyway, so sorry you're struggling and suffering. I think I know how you feel. Much love and support if you're okay with that.