Tricks on how to self motivate?

[Healing Finally]

Hi all, 

Ever since I moved to a place all by myself it's difficult to get stuff done, because of my inability to motivate myself.

In the past, I've always wrapped myself around other people, helping THEM, and then use the extra time to do the minimal requirements of what I need (I just finished living with my mother for two years and helped her into assisted living.)

Now for the first time in 15 years I'm all by myself and every day it's a struggle.  But I also don't have a routine, and I imagine that's what I need to focus on. 

Basically my routine is wake up (whenever sometimes as late as 10:30 am), drink coffee, and play games on the computer (I'm retired).  IF there are bills to pay or emails to send I'll do them during this time (a tiny bit of productivity.)

Then I'll eat breakfast which makes me feel sleepy and I literally will go back to bed!!  Every day!

When I wake up again I feel guilty because I hardly got anything done, and then I don't want to do anything but watch TV.  I'll do some dishes or sweep but since I've moved I've still got lots of boxes to unpack and haven't even hung my pictures on the walls yet.

Sometimes I get a boost of positive energy and take a walk and that makes a whole world of difference.

The thing is I have so much to do, tons of projects, things to sell on Ebay, unpacking, organizing; AND I want to be a musician and take classes and it seems that this is the last thing I'll ever get to.

HELP!  Any help is appreciated.  Grateful to be here. thx...

[Papa Coco]

Healing Finally,

Hokey smokes: Your post could have come straight out of my own head. I feel exactly the same way. I'm so demotivated that I barely take care of myself at all anymore. And I feel this crushing guilt that I don't clean the house or mow the lawn or pay the bills in a timely manner. I try. I TRY SO HARD. I go out to the garage which is filled with stuff I don't want anymore. I try to start putting it in boxes. I get so depressed, I throw everything down, go back into the house and put together another jigsaw puzzle, all the while feeling like a total failure because I should be working on a project or something.

Any help I can give is, I guess, my new goal, as of yesterday, is now to try and love myself for being bored. The act of not being motivated is only one aspect of this. The real damage, for me, is being done by feeling shame and guilt for not being on top of my chores. These are two different issues. For me, the shame of feeling like I SHOULD be doing more is worse than the demotivation that lets me watch TV all day. So, my current plan is to be as lazy as I dang well want to be, but to catch myself feeling bad about it, and to address the shame, rather than the demotivation. It turns out, it's MY house. MY yard. MY garage. And if I just want to let it be a mess, that's MY right.

Will this work? I have no idea. But it's what I'm trying to do as of yesterday. I just want to stop "shoulding all over myself."

[NarcKiddo]

Motivation is mostly a myth in my experience. Even things we really like and have time for can be pushed aside. People think my exercise is fuelled by motivation but it is not. It is a habit. Enjoying it makes it easier at times but the habit is what gets it done. I am not motivated to clean my teeth either. That is a habit.

Clearly not everything is something you can turn into a daily habit but you can use tricks to help. The big one is actually putting time in your calendar. Not only for the must and should things, but also for the want to do things. And if you know you will play computer games, put in some diary time for them, too. If you don't factor in the "time wasters" then it is easy to think you have failed if you spend time on them. And then maybe spend even more time on them. Kind of like the dieter who gives up trying because they could not resist raiding the cookie jar.

Don't fill the calendar too full. But keeping an appointment with yourself to hang some pictures can feel more satisfying than just doing it at some random time. Does not work for everyone but it's worth a try if you haven't already.

[Chart]

Hi NarcKiddo (and Papa Coco), yeah I'm kinda in slightly similar circumstances. I think we have the same garage Papa Coco. (By the way I've recently come across a couple YouTube videos linking clutter and cptsd, can make sense in certain circumstances.) But to try and answer the topic, in the past I would use alcohol to relax myself into a state of activity. Especially in the evenings. But I had my last drink last Christmas Eve. Now all I have is massive doses of caffeine. And that's quickly making a wreck outta my intestines. The only "trick" I can quote now is Pete Walker's chapter Shrinking the inner Critic (read it this morning and "coincidence"? saw your post 20 minutes later...). Sounds like Papa Coco is on that path stopping the critical aspect of being unmotivated. I'm gonna try that too. Me, I think I need to really "let go". Stop worrying myself into constant depression. Do what I can, a little each day. I play lots of games with my daughter. She has no television or social media/internet. She reads, does legos, draws, or we do games. That in itself I think is a major victory.

[Healing Finally]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, I love how we can commiserate here 

I agree Papa Coco, it's the guilt that is so debilitating 

And I understand NarcKiddo it's a habit!  And habits can be broken, with WORK, and so if I can just get past the guilt then I can get to the work; sounds simple enough. 

And speaking of work, I think part of my thinking is that I worked full time 42 years out of my life, raised my son as a single parent, took care of my mom (blah blah blah) and now this is MY time.  There were so many years that I had to put my needs aside and so now if I feel like playing games on my computer I feel like I should be able to.  BUT this kind of thinking doesn't work well if I'm not getting anything done.

I did move some furniture around yesterday and when I woke up this morning I saw the positive results of yesterday and it gave me a sense of accomplishment and no guilt.  I think I'm just so used to feeling guilty all the time, then I dissociate from the guilt (TV) so back to changing this habit!     

I am going to check out those youtube videos Chart!

HUGS 

[Blueberry]

And speaking of work, I think part of my thinking is that I worked full time 42 years out of my life, raised my son as a single parent, took care of my mom (blah blah blah) and now this is MY time.  There were so many years that I had to put my needs aside and so now if I feel like playing games on my computer I feel like I should be able to.  BUT this kind of thinking doesn't work well if I'm not getting anything done.

Makes sense    You worked hard, now you're retired, your son's grown up, your M is in old people's home, it's YOUR time to do what YOU want. For me, the trick is in allowing myself to do my version of that kind of thing (lying in bed, reading, doing crosswords, writing on the forum...) w/o self-haranguing and guilty feelings. It has been a long road, but I am getting better at allowing myself. Allowing myself makes it easier to stop at some point and get on with other stuff.

I remember a couple of decades ago when I was having trouble getting out of bed almost every day, I would repeat to myself: "I don't have to get up" and I would yawn like crazy (which means processing was going on) then at some point I'd add "...but I want to!" and then I would. Before that I needed to express and possibly even embrace the unwillingness, rather than shove it away.

I'm also very aware of "should". Am I trying to do something I think I "should" do? Or is it something I want to do? I may not really want to do the housework, but there are definitely days and times when it's easier than others. I won't force it on a really difficult day. But there are even days when I feel really energised and I really want to wash the windows for example and will do so.

"Not getting anything done" - if you itemise everything you did that day, you might be surprised how much you did get done. That could include relaxing! Why not? We need that after all.

I have a list, mostly in my head now of minimum and minimal things to accomplish most days, things which keep me stable in the long-term AND things I can reliably do most days, might struggle on the other days but mostly still manage to do: get up, take my meds, have breakfast and min. one other meal, drink thirst-quenching stuff, speak to min. 1 person (even just say 'hello'), be outside, be in bed by midnight, and it used to include basic Furbaby care, when I still had them. Then there's the Could list, which varies a bit in content. Very often it includes things like 'clean anywhere/anything', 'tidy anywhere'. btw if any of this is on paper, I put a checkmark next to the item in GREEN. Why green? Somehow that feels joyful and motivational to some part of me. When I see my List at the end of the day and there's green all over the place, it just feels better than orange or blue or standard pencil. That was an instance of finding what works for me! I say the list is mostly in my head these days, but when things get difficult again, I write my list, preferably the evening before. I may also add things like "get up again" because going back to bed can be a problem.

I did move some furniture around yesterday and when I woke up this morning I saw the positive results of yesterday and it gave me a sense of accomplishment and no guilt. 

   
Sense of accomplishment can be a big motivation. That's partly what my green checkmarks are about.

Also a reward system can be motivational. That's one way some parents parent these days, rather than the punishment route a lot of us probably grew up with. 20 years ago a therapist pointed out to me what my internal automatic reward system was: "If you accomplish this particular difficult thing, then tomorrow you're not allowed any fun". I hadn't even noticed that my pattern was giving myself a punishment or at least something difficult or strenuous as a 'reward' for accomplishment. No wonder my self-motivation was very low by then. So it could be good to check whether you have something similarly self-destructive going on.

[Healing Finally]

Thank you Blueberry for giving me the opportunity to allow myself NOT to feel bad about myself. 

It is true, I concentrate more on the stuff I don't do and discount the stuff I do. 

I also have a checklist, I have a spreadsheet that lists my tasks, and I have the prioritized.  I am now making sure to keep the items I have accomplished and list them at the end to remind me of all the things I've done.

After creating this post, reading your comments and digesting it all; I am slowly realizing that I have had a habit of feeling bad about myself for so long now, and if I treat it as a habit, then I might be able to kick it!

One thing I am noticing is the more positive stuff I do, the less I feel bad, and it sort of builds on itself.  It's bizarre, then I feel like this weird empty feeling because I'm NOT feeling bad about myself, and I remember oh ya this is the feeling of being content! 

Blueberry, I find this interesting in your comment, your previous thinking...""If you accomplish this particular difficult thing, then tomorrow you're not allowed any fun". I hadn't even noticed that my pattern was giving myself a punishment or at least something difficult or strenuous as a 'reward' for accomplishment." - wow talk about complex PTSD! I am so glad you were able to figure this out!  That's a huge one.

Thanks so much ya'all! 

[Cascade]

Hi there Healing Finally,
Thanks for starting this thread.  I'm so glad you've had some great realizations and that things are clicking for you!   

For me, this discussion has been percolating in the back of my mind.  I hope you'll allow me to offer my own perspective and realizations.  They are different from yours, which doesn't take away at all from what you've gained.  Please know I am not second-guessing anything here.  I'd just like to offer a different voice from my own viewpoint.  It helps me, at least, and might be of benefit to others.  While I've been getting going this morning, I made some connections between ideas that I'd like to share.

I started reading Pete Walker's From Surviving to Thriving for a second time, with the intent of taking notes and beginning to put together a visual map of what he lays out in words.  He kept saying he offers a map of healing, so I was waiting for a visual that never showed up in the book, lol!  Anyway, when I was on pages 22-23 about key developmental arrests, he says a little about willpower and motivation:

An especially tragic developmental arrest that afflicts many survivors is the loss of their will power and self-motivation.  Many dysfunctional parents react destructively to their child's budding sense of initiative.  (p. 23)

Walker emphasizes that we all have "innate potential" to express.  As I'm beginning to emerge from my 5-week-long EF that brought me to OOTS, I realized that this natural "sense of initiative" -- for me -- relates back to self-care and allowing myself to express myself through things "I want" to do, rather than shaming me into things "I should" do.

In order for me to achieve self-care, self-motivation, etc., I've found it helpful to follow Walker's advice about processing and grieving those original losses.  I'm still in the beginning stages and haven't achieved anything yet, but reframing motivation as a self-care endeavor was a connection between ideas that clicked for me.  Of course, time spent feeling, grieving, and angering is time I'm not spending on the more enjoyable "wants," but I suppose it's an investment.  I'm learning to stop and quiet the inner critics that say I'm worthless (father) or that I need to take care of others first (mother).  What do I want?  What is my potential?  What can I express?  We'll find out.

Just adding this out there into the universe,
   -Cascade

[Healing Finally]

Hi all,  - thought to share that my son came to visit me over the past few days, so I had a good reason to work hard to get my place looking nice, but now that he's gone I'm all lazy again!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Thanks Cascade for sharing your thoughts. I love this "reframing motivation as a self-care endeavor" - YES, this makes sense! Although, then I have to feel like I'm worth it! This is something I am working now on in my recovery, feeling worthy of the extra efforts I can give to myself.

I read Pete Walker's book about 5 years ago, and appreciate his take on CPTSD.  Unlike Pete, I had parents who were very supportive, but I worked to achieve the goals they wanted for me, and this is part of why I can't motivate myself.  I am great on doing things for other people!

Another thing to add here is that I do have ADHD for sure, and I take meds which help (as long as I don't take too much which makes me anxious.)

I've been reading Gabor Mate's book "Scattered Minds" and appreciate the insight on HOW my brain lacks "active attention".  I also appreciate his point that being a highly sensitive person makes me a prime subject for issues with regulation.

Again from this post I am now understanding the very important need to have some sort of schedule and do my best to keep on it.
HUGS