Repressed Childhood Memories

[Miyagido]

I was wondering what people's experiences are of childhood (partial) memories which seems significant but you can't quite recollect?

I have this recurring memory around the age of 4/5, telling my mum that I wanted to quit ballet, I was sitting in the car feeling distressed. I said it was because I felt cold, but I recall thinking very clearly and repeating to myself 'don't forget the true reason'. I felt shame. I forgot the reason just a few weeks later when I checked in to try to recall the reason. My only image of ballet that I have is of a wolf (??), but that's it, no other memory of the classes. I have a sense that something impactful happened, I can't shake it, but I can't recall it. Perhaps it was nothing or it was something.

Anyone had such memories you can't pinpoint but you just can't shake? What did you do about them? Did they eventually come to? Did they explain anything?

Thanks!!

[Cascade]

Hi Miyagido,
Your post resonates with me because I'm here at OOTS due to recalling repressed memories of sexual abuse perpetrated by my father.  I always had the sense that something wasn't right between us.  I thought it was because he just didn't love me because I wasn't good enough to love.  I always yearned for his love and attention.  Then when he did come around, I always felt gross, and didn't know why.

!!! TW:  Sexual Abuse
Recall of the worst incident hit me like a true, visual and physical PTSD flashback instead of an emotional flashback.  Finally in my late 40s, I felt my father inside me, raping me in a hotel bathroom at age 12.  When I started therapy a year later, we tried to figure out what triggered the recall.  Finally as I was falling asleep one night, my left arm reached out.  It felt like I was reaching for a towel, which is what I was doing when the recall hit me out of the blue.  It was also the only thing I could do during that rape... reach for the towels stacked on the sink and hold on for dear life while I dissociated until it was over.

I guess I share my details to show that when your mind and body are ready, and if it will be helpful to you in the long-run, you'll remember what you need to remember at the proper time and place.  I've had other memories, too.  They're all I needed to get me on my healing path, so I don't believe I need any more memories or details.

Thanks for sharing your fears and being open to our stories.
   -Cascade

[Miyagido]

Thank you for sharing your story Cascade, I can't imagine how intensely difficult it was being faced with a flashback like that. What a cruel thing to happened to you.

The body truly does keep the score, I want to understand why my body reacts a certain way in a specific context, at the moment I don't understand it. As you say, when it's the right time it might release the memory.

[Kizzie]

Just a thought but one thing you might try is gently asking your inner child why she keeps seeing a wolf, and use a crayon/pencil in your non-dominant hand to let her write an answer to you or draw a picture.  It may come to nothing but it was a little trick a T used with me to get in touch with my IC and it worked quite well for me.

[Chart]

Miyagido, I did a lot of hypnosis years back. It was moderately effective. All my violent trauma occurred in-utero to about age four. Memories are totally emotional and body-bound for me. I've recently done some emdr which stimulated some memories, but during a later part of my life. The best I've done is trusting my "feelings" more and more. I've stopped doubting the terror I experienced. Sadly this hasn't helped me much. I'm just barely hanging on and attempting exercise and meditation.

[Miyagido]

Thank you all this is very helpful, will certainly try asking inner child

[Armee]

Hi Miyagido,

It took me several years of collecting random flashes and pieces of memory and triggers and flashbacks to piece things together. When I did all the random pieces fit together and made perfect sense. I've found thanking the parts of me for sharing, letting them know I can handle what they have to show or tell me, and letting them know they can share more to be a helpful approach, and really like the idea Kizzie shared. But unfortunately once I get these parts' trust and they share with me I get pretty overwhelmed and shut things down for awhile. In my experience it takes quite a long time and that's probably a good thing.