Don’t know if I should go to family event

[Phoebes]

So, a sibling is getting married. I have a decent/good relationship with this sibling and don't want to be no contact with her.

However, everyone who I have issue with will be there. NM and her husband, who I am no contact with, LC dad and stepmom, and a sprinkling of " family is everything" aunts, and uncles who have treated me different since they caught wind. I am no contact with my mother, sort of held out hope for far too long something might change. Last thing that happened was my stepdad texted me that she is "granting me my wish and letting me go for good." so that says the narrative is still all twisted around and that there is no hope.

It's a small wedding in an intimate space. I want to support my sibling, but I don't know if I should just go and ignore everybody, or make a huge statement by not going. I know if I don't go it will be a huge deal to family who are there, and it will probably mean that I am now no contact with my entire family. it's just an example of how I'm the one who's ostracized for not taking abuse anymore.

I don't really want to miss her wedding, but it is very overwhelming and I'm kind of pissed that it's set up to where I have to choose. I also think it's sort of silly to be marrying someone she hasn't known that long. I've only met him three times and never met his large clan of young children. I feel like she doesn't really care how I feel about it which is normal but maybe we're not as close as I always thought we were.

[Blueberry]

This kind of FOO stuff is soooo difficult. At least in my experience.

Is there a middle road possible? This kind of option was suggested to me: turn the invitation politely down but suggest you join them later for an important occasion?

If you have good contact with a sibling, I don't believe that declining her wedding invitation should make her go no contact with you. If it does, then imho very sadly the contact might feel good on your side but isn't so much on hers. "Not going" doesn't have to be understood as a huge statement.

Weddings are important but so is your emotional well-being!

[Phoebes]

Thank you for your response, blueberry. I do agree with what you're saying. It's hard. And the closer it gets the more I'm feeling depressed and panicky about the situation. I'm really struggling lately for multiple reasons, and this is just coming along at a really bad time adding to it.

I'm going to keep thinking about what you said, and what my truest gut feeling is in the end. I wish I could just be happy and enjoy the wedding, but then I already know I don't live in fantasyland anymore.

[InTheQuiet]

Hi there. Yuck. Sorry to hear of this - I can imagine the feeling of pressure. First soothe that? You are free to choose what is right for you, and can maintain your own safety.

In case it helps, I handled a funeral by going to the service, but not the wake. My Dad (NC) asked me for a hug in front of the whole congregation. I just smiled kindly and patted his arm and walked away. I left after the burial.

Apparently he told lots of people how terribly I treated him.

It wasn't easy, but it felt good to pay my respects and maintain my boundary.

[someonewholovesthemselves]

Hey Phoebes
I'm sorry you're going through all that.
What I do when my NF asks me to go to family events where my abusers are, I give him an excuse that would work with him (eg He wants to have a daughter that has good grades, so I say I have a test tomorrow) without  him getting violent.
I am sending love and hugs.

[cat87]

Hello Phoebes,

Just wondering what you decided to do in the end?

I am currently in a very similar situation - almost identical - and in a real dilemma about what to do (I found your post by searching the forums for similar experiences).

My kids are very excited to go to the wedding to see their cousins etc but I am dreading it and feel like I'm walking into the lion's den. I am going alone as my partner and I separated fairly recently so I just feel completely unprotected and vulnerable.

Would love to hear how you managed it in the end and, if you did go, what your experience was?

[Phoebes]

Hi, Cat! Thank you for asking about this...I did wind up going in the end. There were a lot of people there, and I mainly talked with a couple of cousins and a friend. NM was totally detached from me (yay) and mainly chatting with older people in the kitchen. Step dad had the sour puss face on but who cares.

Oddly, I did kind of fawn at the end as we were all walking out and gave them a little half hug to diffuse the tension. My cousin told me after that my mom told her maybe something is changing. Why does she think it's on me? I know she has said the ball is in my court. I'm not playing ball!

Anyway, now onto the next big event. It's exhausting. I really hate how things are, but don't feel like I can change it, unless it means just going back to the same "position" I was in.

The other weird thing was my dad said ahead of time we could get together and spend time ahead of time (with NSM of course) but then he never called. Apparently he was waiting for me to call, but my dog has just passed away 3 days prior and it just wasn't something on my radar or that I wanted to initiate anyway. Apparently that was a BIG deal and he brought it up in front of people at the wedding- how I never called him. I mentioned maybe getting together to my sister and she said that's funny, they will only have time to rehearse and get the house ready.

All in all, I survived. I guess I'm glad I went for my sister. It was a lot all in one week. I don't think it matters much to others whether I'm there other than to keep the peace.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry to hear your dog passed away

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Blueberry.    Yeah, I think it's contributed to difficulties dealing with things lately and since it happened. I'm realizing he was my rock. The reason I was hanging in as well as I was. I had him to focus on and he brought me so much joy and companionship.

[Kizzie]

I too am really sorry you lost your friend Phoebes, it's really hard I know. 

[Phoebes]

Thank you Kizzie