The ramblings of an abused kid (trigger warnings galore)

[dollyvee]

Hey Slashy,

I'm sorry you're feeling that way after DBR. To be honest, that's the reason I didn't want to do it after my t suggested it (we had previously done EMDR but she suggested DBR for the preverbal things). To me, I got a lot out of IFS and felt like DBR would be bypassing important preverbal protector parts, which, in IFS, would/can cause issues as you're not supposed to bypass those parts of your system as all parts matter.

I think memories are tough because often they're connected with the idea of who we think we are ie the parts of us that did what we had to do to survive if that makes sense, and sometimes they're not dipping down into the painfult things that happened like you mentioned. I'm very good at talking about certain things that happened to me that are probably shocking to others, but for me, it's almost like it happened to someone else. Logically/chronologically I know that those things happened, but the feeling about what it was like at that time is coming from a different part of my brain. Unfortunately, I'm learning that I have to feel those feelings and grieve properly.

I hope you're able to find some space to deal with the things that are coming up for you,
dolly

[GoSlash27]

All,
 Trigger warning as usual (not for the squeamish)...

 I recounted a dream I noted as 'important' this afternoon, and my T seemed taken aback by it.

 It starts with me approaching a friend of the family about a prior transgression that I was upset about. To be clear, this transgression never happened in real life.
 In the dream, she had punched me for no apparent reason the last time I'd seen her and found it uproariously hilarious.I had decided to confront her about it, explain to her why it had upset me and demand an apology, and she did it again! Laughed about it, and all my friends and family were there, laughing along with her.
 
 I was so angry, I tried to throw a punch back at her as hard as I could... but I was frozen in place. I was unable to move.

 I woke up from that dream absolutely furious! I hadn't lacked the ability, will, courage, or resolve to deliver that crippling blow I so desperately wanted to deliver, I was cheated by the physics of the dream; physical paralysis.

 I've had lots of other dreams along these lines over the years, but never one where I woke up livid because I was denied the ability to severely injure someone in a dream. And after I woke up, I fantasized about how the dream "should have" ended; me delivering that devastating reply shot, her ending up unconscious with a broken jaw, skull fractures, unconscious on the pavement, with me berating her...

 Neither of us were quite sure what that dream meant, but it scared the bejeezus out of me!
--------------------------------------------
 Related story: I know that I am physically (if not mentally) capable of delivering such a devastating blow.
 I was conditioned from early childhood to avoid confrontation and am a scrawny guy... so I've never had the opportunity to gauge the force of one of my punches. I just assumed it would be pitiful, so avoided any situation where I would need to rely on it.
 2004, I was hanging out with my soon- to- be ex in the bar, and they were holding a competition to see who could hit the punch-o-meter arcade game the hardest.
 I *really* didn't want to get involved in that, for fear of embarrassment. But they were all cajoling and insisting, so I eventually caved in and did it. I gave it everything I had because I was so afraid in the moment.
 I punched the machine so hard that it literally broke. 
 Scared my wife (and myself), and ruined the mood of the party. Turns out that nobody likes "psycho- level" energy. Especially not me.
 I don't want anyone to ever be afraid of me.

 Best,
-Slashy
 
 

[NarcKiddo]

I can see how that dream could be scary and upsetting.

As for the punch-o-meter - well, that is very interesting to me. I do boxing for fitness and love it. BUT I refuse to do group classes because I want to feel able to give it my all. Being female I'd likely be partnered with another woman but I am tall, solid and strong. Punching a coach who I pay is one thing. Some fellow class attendee is quite another. I also will never do actual sparring - what I do is with the coach holding pads only. One coach started tapping me with the pads and I could feel my aggression ramp up and the danger of red mist. Like you say, nobody likes "psycho-level" energy. Why I have mentioned my boxing, though, is because knowing I could give someone a right old bash if necessary has made me feel much safer with me. I think it makes me safer with others, too. Not because I was ever likely to lash out physically but somehow knowing I now could, effectively, makes me feel safer mentally. Safer for others as well as for me. Maybe now you know your own strength there is less chance, not more, of anyone ever being afraid of you.

[GoSlash27]

NarcKiddo,
 My abuse left me avoidant and non- confrontational. I realize that different people respond in different ways, but that's how *I* responded...
 Anyway, as a result of that I never had the opportunity up to that point to throw a proper punch, leaving me lacking confidence in that ability should the need arise. After that incident I no longer feared *that*, but my automatic response in a conflict remained "freeze".

 Which leads me to the point of the dream.

 After mulling it over, I believe the dream itself isn't as important as my emotional response to it although both are related.
 I think my "fight" response is reemerging after having been suppressed since childhood.I'd wager that this dream and response is a common occurrence for people with a normal fight response.

Best,
-Slashy

[dollyvee]

Hi Slashy,

I relate to your dream. I feel like I have had this dream myself in different guises over the years - wanting to fight back when people are abusing you (humiliating you), but being powerless to do so is my childhood summed up. I think I still carry this feeling with me a lot and is probably why I feel so defensive at times. I can also slip into this powerlessness at times at the flick of a switch when faced with confrontation.

I also relate to "things" (emotions, experiences etc) comming up around people and then feeling critisized or judged for having them. In my experience, I hadn't been self aware at the time when they do come up, or have any self to realize that they're ok, even if other people didn't understand it, or that my reactions don't make me a psycho, or crazy.

Sending you support,
dolly

[AphoticAtramentous]

Dreams can be so cruel sometimes, usually digging things up from our subconscious, replaying our own personal fears. I've definitely felt dreams like the one you described, wanting to do something, but being completely physically paralysed. It is a frustrating feeling, like trying to lift a 1 ton weight, feeling the resistance from your own pushing, and the more you push, the more it seems to resist. I think these dreams often represent a feeling of helplessness, or powerlessness as dollyvee mentioned.

After mulling it over, I believe the dream itself isn't as important as my emotional response to it although both are related.
 I think my "fight" response is reemerging after having been suppressed since childhood.I'd wager that this dream and response is a common occurrence for people with a normal fight response.

It being related to the fight response I think is a very accurate assessment. I think it might be a good opportunity to remind (and my apologies if you're already aware of this) that the fight response isn't always literally just punching and kicking. Although your dream did seem to take it the more literal way, the essence of fighting back can be presented in other ways - like taking control of our situations, expressing anger, moving towards danger rather than moving away. And although these can be unhealthy mechanisms depending on the situation, I think they can turned into healthier forms of fighting - like setting boundaries or venting our anger through exercise and art.

So, although you may feel like your fight response is re-emerging, I wouldn't be too concerned over potentially punching something too hard again - there are ways we can remove our powerlessness without going "psycho-level", and without others fearing us. Perhaps it is possible to combine the non-confrontational desires and the desires to fight into a balanced and healthy defense mechanism.

Hopefully that makes sense. They're just some silly ideas of mine, feel free to ignore it all if I've misinterpreted your comments here. Wishing you the best.

Regards,
Aphotic.