New here and in the thick of my self-guided recovery. (Recovery?)

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Roadie

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Hello, all.  I am on my healing journey and felt a strong need to find some people who legitimately understand C-PTSD.  So glad I found this site!

I have a husband who loves me and two amazing, polar-opposite, teenage boys.  My husband is rather emotionally unavailable, which I suppose is what my subconscience chose so that I would not have to be so vulnerable.  He has no idea what to do with me as I work to heal.  He doesn't even know the depths of the journey I am on; only that I am halfway checked out of life right now.  There is no open and honest discussion happening.  My three main goals are to begin meaningful healing for myself, building an authentic life that feeds my soul, to parent my children without instilling my intense fear of the world in them, and to preserve my marriage and build a healthier future for us as a couple based on authenticity and growth as a couple as well as individually.

I am a 40-year-old woman who grew up in what most looking in probably thought was an ideal family home.  This could not be farther from the truth.  My mother is the toxic narcissist, I am the SG, my younger sister the GC, and my father ...  I suppose he was mother's enabler?  I do not have that piece figured out yet.  The emotional abuse began when I was a toddler.  I want to say that just as I began to develop my own independent personality is when she started hating me.  My mother was the SG of her own narcissistic, alcoholic mother, and she learned from the very best. 

Growing up, my sister and I were sort of close, but we had our moments.  We have been best friends our entire adult lives and have been able to prevent any damage to our relationship by our mother who tries to triangulate all the relationships in the family that include me.

Dad passed away in 2008 in his mid-fifties from cancer.  He was my superhero.  Grief has done a terrible number on me, being left with this horrible woman. I know he had his own set of issues dealing with her.  He mostly did what he had to do to keep the peace and to appease her, but there were two times after sis and I were into our adult lives that he left her.  When they were apart, he said that he had never felt so free or alive, but both times she guilted and manipulated him back home.  I believe in my heart that he gave up on living the way he wanted and deserved to live, and that what she did to him was the stress that caused his cancer.  Mom had him snowed when it came to me, how I supposedly treated her when he was not around, etc.  Villified me.  In his heart he knew better, and * hath no fury like that woman, so to protect himself from her wrath, he played the part. Kept quiet.  Comforted my sister who witnessed all of the horrible things she did to me when dad was at work.  I do not harbor much anger toward him for handling it the wrong way.  I don't think he knew what else to do, and I think he did what he thought would do the least damage all around. 

I am low contact with my mother. I've been calling her on her abuse and lies forever.  Still do when necessary.  The fact that I have her number means, of course, that there is a raging smear campaign going on.  So be it.  She still tries to manipulate me so that she can hurt me.  She is also abusive to my younger son (14) and has been for many years.  He is a whistle blower like his momma. :) 

My health is bad.  The theory that the body keeps the score?  100% believe it.  I wonder if that is a theory that is widely accepted in the medical community.  The medical treatments that I need are very expensive and have bankrupted us.  Does anyone here know, would a psychiatrist say that it is wise to FIRST take care of the emotional trauma piece BEFORE attending to the physical?  Maybe the emotional healing will lead to a lessening of physical symptoms?  My spine is degenerative and very painful in my neck and very low back/tailbone, also I have fibromyalgia and auto immune type arthritis.  I am finding that the deeper I dig into the emotional trauma and work to heal, the worse my physical symptoms are getting.  Just not sure which way to go first.  Also, I read a comment in one of the threads here stating some advice to not do too much at one time in the healing journey.  Glad I found that, because that is just what I am doing.  So done with not being a participant in life, done with the self loathing and fear and panic and it is time to get in touch with myself so that I can forge a better connection with my husband. 

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Roadie

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A couple of other things.  I am HSP/empath and struggle badly with toxic shame.  This has developed into panic disorder, going on about six years now.  Have always felt very awkward socially, but now am downright phobic.  This is not easy on my marriage or friendships obviously. 

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Kizzie

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Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Roadie  :wave:  I come from a very similar background to yours so I relate to so much of what you wrote.  All the stress has taken it's toll physically on me too and I am just now starting to see what I can do about that.  I felt like I only had the energy to deal with the emotional side of CPTSD at first as I was in a bad way this time last year. I was drinking a lot and had really bad social anxiety and panic attacks.  Thankfully that has subsided, I'm not drinking or having panic attacks and my social anxiety is fairly minimal these days. So now I am beginning to look at the physical side of things.

Do you see a therapist? If not, that might be something to consider.  A lot of therapists seem to be using a somatic or mind-body approach these days.  If you can locate one that would encompass both the emotional and physical and perhaps help you to make a decision about where/how best to use your attention and funds.

There are some threads on HSP here - you can use the search function on the right top side of the page. I also found some relief from my social anxiety through another forum called Social Anxiety Support - even if you don't join there is some good reading there - http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/.

Glad to found your way here. Please have a look around and settle in,  you'll find that members are very warm and supportive.  :hug: