New to this site (don't know exact parameters of triggers)

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Encontrada

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I was in a 10 year abusive marriage emotionally, sexually, physically, and have just gone through a 3 year divorce in which I lost all of my family with the exception of one sister when they testified against me for custody. They now treat my abuser as their son and me as someone to warn others about. I've also endured manipulation, lying, and overall emotional abuse from the man who was my lover through the hard times, who helped me have the strength to leave the marriage. I've lost many friends, and gone through a private school principal on two occasions threatening to throw my daughter out of the school despite her thriving because I appeared unapproachable. In the past I've had the ex have counselors try to say I was abusive instead of him, or that I had personality disorders. I've been cleared multiple times, it was just another tactic. I grew up in a cult environment within the evangelical church which also has been lost both me turning away and me being turned away. My child suffers and in the last 5 months has gone to deep places threatening me, and herself harm. She constantly  says and does deliberately hurtful things if I am not exactly what she wants me to be.

Today I suffer from my mind's constant thoughts, flashbacks, rare, but disassociations, I can't stand too much of being around individuals, I'm cold inside, hollow, and my ability to feel anything but pain has been completely lost. I live with the feeling of wanting to find a hole and curl up and hide there. Sex completely terrifies me in the normal sense. I feel like I've lost all ability to have real friendships and that I'm this alien, this monster, completely different from anyone else walking around in a world, but not really a part of it. I'm just watching, observing, even the me that interacts is outside of me, shielded from the poverty within. Normal self care and routine has become impossible to maintain. For a long time I couldn't even write, allow myself to think.

They say I crave interaction and connection, that this is where I draw strength. I see it as a never ending source of pain. I've become the complete opposite of who I used to be. I don't know where to begin. I can say yes, I'm this or that, or this symptom or that, but when it comes to real life, it doesn't make a difference. I question if there is a road away, not even back, for me.

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Trees

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Re: New to this site (don't know exact parameters of triggers)
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2015, 07:29:04 PM »
Welcome, Encontrada, to OutOfTheStorm.  Your description of your pain and chaos and alienation is quite vivid.  I am so sorry to hear how hard it has all been for you and continues to be.   I can really identify with what you say about connection being a never ending source of pain.

I hope you will continue to stay in touch here on OOTS.  Please take as good care of yourself as you can manage.

If you can bear it, I am sending you  hug   :hug:.  You certainly do deserve some rest and some respect.

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Encontrada

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Re: New to this site (don't know exact parameters of triggers)
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2015, 12:55:03 AM »
Thank you...


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keepfighting

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Re: New to this site (don't know exact parameters of triggers)
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2015, 11:58:14 AM »
Hello, Encontrada,

and welcome to OOTS!  :wave:

I am very sorry for all you've been through and that you feel like you're no longer the person you used to be. Small wonder that you find it difficult to connect to other people if you feel like you've somehow lost the connection to your own true self. Many people with CPTSD encounter problems like this during their recovery so you're not alone in your perceptions and feelings any more.  :hug:

I am very glad you've found us and hope that this community will help you on your way to getting your trust in yourself and in others back.

Best wishes, kf