Hard free-fall

[woodsgnome]

For a while, I've had experiences which are dredging up all of the worst sorts of the worst sort of negative memories. They've been draining me. I feel like a failure; keep hearing all the old taunts from abusers: ''see, you can't do this; you're no good, never were, can't even help yourself.''

The worst is I've felt pretty okay for, well, a few years but when things slip like this they seem to hit me worse than it seems that it should. I only thought I had lots of coping skills with which to build ack, but I'm feeling very faint and hopeless right now. I have no support network to speak of, except here where I know there's probably someone who can relate. This is so scary -- I take care of my needs as best I can and just like those old taunts would remind me, ''see -- you really are no good.''

I better drag myself back to view the sun's continued sharing of the light -- may it be able to soothe this aching heart.

And if you've been here reading, thank you for having stopped by, and may you fare well. 


There was a beautiful sunrise today -- I know as I couldn't have gotten more than a few winks of fretful sleep.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry things are so difficult atm, woodsgnome

The voices of your abusers can just pipe down. May you hear birdsong instead! And continue enjoying the sunlight.

You are one of the good people, woodsgnome. You bring so much care and comfort to us here on the forum and you bring insights and I personally like your language-usage and that nature flows into your posts too. May you absorb some of the healing energy from OOTS today. 

This phase, hard though it is atm, will pass.

[Kizzie]

Hey Woodsgnome, I'm sorry to hear that you're not doing well at the moment. It's so difficult when you have been doing well to then have a setback. You do have friends here that have come to know you over many years like BB and I so I hope you don't feel completely alone.

I hope a group hug is OK 

[Armee]

I'm sorry it's a difficult patch right now. The coping tools we build don't help much when we are in these flashbacks. May they pass soon.

[Hope67]

Dear Woodsgnome,
I am glad that you enjoyed the sunrise a couple of days ago, and that enjoyed the sun's light brought some warmth to you, despite the lack of sleep you'd had during that long and fretful night.  I am so sorry that you're experiencing so much stuff from your memories.  It isn't fair how those things can clamour in like that. 

I really hope that you know how much you are valued in this community - you are such an inspiring person to me, and have been since I 'met' you a few years back.  I often use some visualisations when I'm meditating that include you and other forum members - enjoying the equivalent of 'The Secret Garden' - I know you won't find that strange that I say that.  I think you'll understand what I mean. 

Anyway, sending you some warmth and caring thoughts - and hoping that today is somehow a better day, or at least that there are some more positive moments that you can enjoy.  I hope the flashbacks and bad memories will give you some respite and that you are ok.

  to you Woodgsnome.
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Woodsgnome,

I'm sorry that things are so challenging right now for you. I read what you wrote recently in the infancy and trauma thread a while ago and I'm sorry too about some of your experiences. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you at times. I also want to say that I had an energy healing experience a soul retrieval though, and while I am skeptical, I also believe like you say in a person's ability to do those things and bring back the details you mentioned.

I tend to isolate myself and think that it is very much a trauma reaction to help us keep reliving that sense of impending doom, so that we feel like we can protect ourselves from something we once couldn't. I'm coming to grips with states of connection and disconnection and the parts that don't feel connection is safe. I feel like I've seen a lot in people that confirms my thinking that it's not safe. I'm also open to the idea that perhaps I've been closed to the people who are "safe" because I feel like I need to protect myself from the "impending doom." I hope you're able to have some space from states of disconnection and connection in a way that feels safe for you.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Blueberry]

Thinking of you woodsgnome and of that eagle. Sending support. 

[woodsgnome]

Thanks to all who've added support that I've desperately needed. I can't truly find the words, but the feeling that anyone cares is such a boost.

Alas, I've attempted several replies already, and they're proving elusive. Let's just say I'm still, well, kinda void of  personal vibes as to my current state of being. But perhaps it's like that when from life''s start I've felt unwanted, unloved, gaslighted, told I wasn't a good person -- sadly, we all seem to know that one.

Maybe I've just fallen into, and inclined to stay, in what''s known as the freeze response to the life movie called 'me'. I thought I put in the discard bin, but the faithful inner critic may have fetched it out of its proper place. And I've lost the script to my new movie, or maybe it never existed.

So in summation, I feel lost, disgruntled, sad/sad/sad, i.e. 'normal.' I suppose I was just trying to get out of the disappointment of a life feeling quite out of sorts at the moment.

Thanks again, and my only option is to watch for a clearing sky. And the best indicator of a fresh breeze to blow this mood away has been your loving comments. They were so needed, to even get me this far.

[Kizzie]

I feel lost, disgruntled, sad/sad/sad, i.e. 'normal.'

I had this thought when I read this sentence WG that maybe we need to slip back into how we used to be once in a while? That how we used to be is a little bit comforting in a strange kind of way?  Just spitballing but there's the saying that old habits die hard which I think is about what I'm suggesting, that our old habits are comforting or at least familiar.

I don't know if this helps but perhaps it means there is something in the progress you have made in recovery that is a bit scary or unsettling? It may help to look at that possibility and work with your T to reassure inner/younger you it's ok for things to change.

Just some thoughts.

 

[woodsgnome]

Thanks, Kizzie.

So yes, I always have the option of stepping outside the habit of 'sad, sad, sad' , usually only a thought away and so fortunate to have.

My option? An enormous, creative way of entwining the sadness with the flip side -- humour. Not a 'sense' of humour, but a full-blown access to an inner humour vault, as it were.

It came to me while young, even or because I was buffeted in so much abuse from the people around me -- FOO, teachers, clergy ... so many serious sorts that they actually triggered a funny side, and I inwardly was able to draw on that total opposite notion until it too became a habit. To do this outwardly was dangerous, but I developed a great deadpan to hide behind, while secretly I was somehow snuggled in a lighter vein even while enduring sad/sad/sad moments. I was able to draw on this for several years as a well-liked improv actor, and in other roles (e.g. hospice and pre-school experiences).

The catch is, like so much that comes about in Cptsd-land, is that sad/sad/sad can easily and surprisingly overwhelm the better stuff. And when I forget that I carry that reservoir of mirth inside, the chutes open and if I don't catch it, can find myself trapped in feelings that seem to have locked doors  . Or something. Whatever it is, it feels rather unique and I'm so grateful the locks can be broken.

Thanks again, for helping an important facet of my self-healing to rise to the surface of my self-realization.

 

[Kizzie]

 

[Chart]

Hey Woodsgnome, just came across your thread here. A little time has passed so I hope things have changed for the better. Nonetheless I'm going to suggest a different theory. Did something happen around the time your inner critic reawakened? Was there an event in your life or experience that perhaps gave you a jolt?

It could be that your inner critic is just as weakened as before, but rather it's the strong side of you that took a dip... This gave an opportunity to the inner critic to return.

I'm currently reanalyzing my inner critic. Seeing as he just won't stop and accepts no refusal, I'm trying to see him another way. I've  noticed that when I attack him, my arguments are extremely powerful and RIGHT, really spot on. I know my rebuttals are solid. Yet he always comes back. This has led me to the idea that, even being "right" there's still something I'm missing. For me it's perhaps not about being right. Maybe it's just there's acknowledgement and peacemaking and letting go to be done. I think I too often try smothering my inner critic with the very energy he needs to keep going, like putting out the fire with gasoline.

Just my thoughts in reaction to your thread. Thanks for letting me express

I also loved your "story" of your humor. I really relate to that too.

Sending support and hugs. Hope you're good... and better...

[woodsgnome]

  Thanks, Chart, for those interesting insights per your own bumpy roller-coaster ride with ye olde inner critic. He's pesky and irritating, and worst of all very creative at tripping one up.

A few months back, I even imagined building him an impressive private studio, complete with writings, visuals, and recordings (all imagined, mind you) of my faults and setbacks for his utter delight. But I've learned he doesn't always stay there, and can't resist bothering me again, and again, and even after that.

That's where I tip towards letting the ever-threatening frustration/depression from taking over and bringing back my doomed feelings. All I seem able to do is to flail in terror that this can't be happening again. Except ... it always does. I think i'm accepting that, but at east having enough resilience to recover and find the trail again. Cautiously, as I know it's still a rough roller-coaster.

That roller-coaster is a big part of the false illusion that I'm going someplace and whoosh -- I'll get there, somehow. I'm better off not doing that quick ride anymore; instead, I pick up my walking staff and head off into my life's wilderness, hoping ye olde inner critic can stay put in his own room, content with my old foibles while I wander into the future on my own terms.
Undoubtedly the inner demon will yet again try to trip me up, but my hope is I've enough of an assortment of self-healing coping tools (like humour!) tucked into my travel pack.

I've learned a bit more with this experience, thanks to your help and meaningful suggestions. You and everyone on this thread (and others -- mine and others) has been kind enough to have stopped and helped me move along, hopefully strengthened by ideas, yes; but even more so from knowing there are people here who care. That still intrigues me, having come from an environment where needing help was just a sign of weakness, and worse -- unworthiness.

Thank you so very much!

[Chart]

Woodsgnome, I had a pretty intense experience after writing my last post here. I credit your inquiry to largely what happened. I'm gonna write it up in my journal. I think it's gonna be really long... Gotta find some energy... oof