Dad’s Text on MD

[dollyvee]

Hi Phoebes,

I think you have a lot going on right now. I just finished reading Believing Me by Ingrid Clayton, and there's a part in it where she's weighing up whether to be there for her (gaslighting) mother in her time of need, or listen to herself and not be the "good girl," and do the thing that's expected from her because then they will think she's a "bad daughter" etc. Her friend asks her, what would you do if you were putting yourself first for once in your life? I thought that was really powerful because I know I've been in the same situation.

I agree that you should be able to go and have a good time, but I think the reality is is you're going to be in some difficult situations if you do go, and are you prepared for what happens if you do enforce your boundaries, or stand up for yourself? Will you be able to do it without gaslighting yourself? It sounds like you did it with your aunt  What is going to happen to little Phoebes though if none of these people are on her side, or show up for her, again? If you're able to be there for that part of you then I think, and this is me and my advice talking, then go. However, you're not a bad person/daughter etc for not going and showing up for people who weren't there for you (I know it's your cousin (?) so you could show up for her, but as someone else mentioned on another thread, skip the party etc).

I'm sorry about your dog 

Sending you support,
dolly

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Dolly, 

I love Ingrid, and resonate with her a lot. I have not yet read her book but I've heard her talk a lot about it in podcasts and videos.

I'm totally on the same page with what you are saying. There will be weirdness, and now there's the added element of grieving, which suddenly happens at the slightest anything. I don't want to be a distraction for my sister's wedding, however, I cannot cry in front of these people or anyone (because of NM's emotional abuse around that topic). I don't know because I've come along way and feeling my feelings and allowing myself to show emotion. My family is not the cause-a-scene type. I think they won't be focused on me at all so maybe it won't be so bad? There will be friends there as well that I can focus on.

That said, I don't want to not show because I do want to be there for her day. I have mixed feelings about this decision and I don't know this person very well, but that is beside the point. Maybe I will see through this event more what he is like. it's strange that his only guest coming is his dad. Not even his mom is coming. I know families can be weird so I don't fault him for that but I do find it interesting that my sister is a little aloof about that. on the Evite that his family did not even respond yes or no or comment. Apparently they each one had an excuse why they can't come. The mom's excuse is she thought she would embarrassed him. ??

Yesterday I was able to get out of the house, go grocery shopping and go walking, and talk to a friend on the phone. I felt like I needed a change of scenery and to get out and accomplish some thing. I also picked up my babies ashes late yesterday evening.

My work is in the not-fawning for sure. There have been instances lately where I feel like hey I just handled this totally different than I would have before. That feels good. Then other times I'm thinking dammit why did I fawn? But I can sometimes give myself a break and see that I have grown. I'm not around people that much so I don't have tons of opportunity, but I think tuning in to how I feel in my nervous system and pausing in the moment before I say or do anything is helpful.

 I'm a bit concerned with how people just run up and touch me or hug me. That's what our family does. No boundaries or consent, so that will be awkward when I cross my arms, jump back and walk away.

I also want to show the crazies I'm not staying away because of them. I think I'm trying to think, ya know what, I can say hello, be polite and brief, and leave when I want. Truly, I don't feel like I've done anything wrong by being no contact. I've never seen evidence of anything changing. If I did, I would be open to conversation. But I'm no longer expecting it, and I'm not crazy.

[dollyvee]

In 2005 my therapist at the time asked me how it felt to not have anyone in my family love me? I didn't fully comprehend what he was saying until a few weeks ago. A lot of the times we get pulled into things and gaslit from such a young age that we think it's love, and/or wrestle with the truth of what the relationship actually is because it's more painful to see that they never really loved us.

As an outsider looking in, some random person from the internet, I don't think the problem is you. I think it's a big step to realize that they're not going to change and to not expect them to. I also wouldn't waste my time trying to prove anything to them or not. Unfortunately, I think it's probably to do with people who have made the child you feel small and powerless, and you are looking for a way to show them that they can't hurt you. At least this is my thinking, so please disregard if it's not applicable. I know I've felt those feelings and that way many times. These people spent a lot of time making me feel bad and I wanted to fight that, but it just kept me entangled with them. Like Ingrid wrote, what would you do if you put yourself first in your life? The same t used to tell me, who's life is it anyways? I'm only really truly starting to get that one now. I never owed the people who weren't there for me anything. I deserve(d) to put myself first.

I hope you're able to be there for you and your parts. We'll be here for you along the way.

Sending you support,
dolly