I have been and continue to be lost....TRIGGER ALERT POSSIBLY

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Lost Kitten

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I am 52 yrs old

I was abused by a family member from 4-9, my parents did not believe me even when the doctors pointed out the physical and emotional injuries

At 17 I met a guy that thought really liked me, for the next 19 mo I ended up as a sex slave in human trafficking .... I escaped after months of horrific abuse by a family that stumbled across me where I was left to die

I have been married 25 yrs (my first marriage was 4 yrs) and in some ways he is worse than the others because I know him...I sold myself to him to minimize the harm emotionally and physically so now he owns me. What he says go. I say yes Sir and I serve his needs whatever they may be. I do not exist in his eyes

A couple of years ago I was raped and almost drowned.so much damage was done physically and emotionally and I am still in therapy 4 days a week.

I do not eat or sleep...sleeps is a luxury I cannot afford as I am always on watch...alert to known and perceived dangers. I do sleep when I pass out from exhaustion.

Every day he tells me I deserved the attack and it was my fought. When he forces himself on me he reminds me of that day...I was asking for it, etc. he also tells me he wish I had died that day when my attacked tried to drown me because I am so broken.

I no longer work. I do not leave my house without a companion for any reason. I am now a recluse and the panic attacks continue to roll over me. I have tried to leave but have no where to go. My therapist says I suffer from C-PTSD, disassociation disorder and Stockholm syndrome.

I know there are so many others worse than me and my heart aches for each of you.

I am lost...I am alone...I know no other way to be.

No one wants me

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johnboy

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Re: I have been and continue to be lost....TRIGGER ALERT POSSIBLY
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2015, 09:11:02 PM »
Hi there,
Just a quick note to say that there are good people on this site. I recently posted a msg and received some lovely comments - despite my inability to properly take them on board, I felt that somehow it was a positive. I hope that you can put the time in to absorb yourself into this community, and to open yourself up to the kindness that you will no doubt receive. I will, if you allow, come back to your post and add some more, but for now please don't fret, don't worry how this will play out on here - go gentle with yourself, you are on the right track and that is what we must aim for.
With love, and heartfelt regards, John

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Trees

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Re: I have been and continue to be lost....TRIGGER ALERT POSSIBLY
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2015, 09:20:26 PM »
Dear Lost Kitten, your story is heartbreaking.  What a lot of stuff you have survived!  You really are a lost kitten who needs and deserves a good home. 

You have deserved none of the horrific things that have happened to you in your life.  None of it was your fault.

You deserve to be safe and protected and loved and respected and cared for.   You deserve to eat and sleep in peace.  You deserve to be touched only in ways you approve of.

If you can bear to be hugged, I send lots of hugs.   :hug:   :hug:   :hug:   :hug:

I am so glad you found this website!  On this site I feel less alone, and I hope you will also feel less alone here.   There a lot of us lost lonely frightened unloved people out there, and here on OOTS we can remind each other that we are all actually worthy of love and safety.

I really hope you will stay in touch, Lost Kitten.    :hug:

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: I have been and continue to be lost....TRIGGER ALERT POSSIBLY
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2015, 03:10:34 PM »
You didn't deserve any of it - this is the truth
Shame is a hard thing ( I still suffer from it ) but having someone around who is damaging now is not an option for me ..
In some ways I have learnt to live alone and actually I can see now that I've needed time to be alone and I did feel lonely but I also had some time to heal and learn that I take care of me -
The past few months I seem to be coming out of it a bit and carefully coming out of my room and looking around in the world -

my therapist points to me being compassionate to my self and this is something that of course doesn't come naturally as the default setting is - to beat myself inside but am learning -

I believe that any of us can heal and become the person we were meant to be - it requires the right support and having people who can work with us therapeutically in the right way to help us heal -

What does your therapist say about the social phobia - ?

I am quite new here - but so grateful that we can support each other and find out how to heal and move in our recovery

Best wishes
 :thumbup: