First timer

[Pisa]

I grew up with an extremely accomplished and well-loved community-activist father who openly and sardonically critcized anyone's ideas that he didn't agree with. This endless negative attitude and critical interaction style happened more with me than with my siblings. It was ever present, like an old carpet that's underfoot, that we walk on every day and is oddly comforting in its familiarity.

I was the oldest and shared some of his "brainy" gifts. When I had an idea that might have held the spark of something interesting, these ideas seemed threatening to him as he would instantly share his disdain for me and my ideas. This attitude of his emerged in my puberty years, when I became a young woman. From then, his critiques were more frequent, more cutting. I read a lot more than I exercised and started to get chubby - which he hated. And told me I had a fat *. When I did poorly in math he called the high school and chewed out the math teacher, who then chewed me out. Then my father told me I was a failure (for getting a "D" in trigonometry). When I objected in as measured a tone as I could manage to his calling me a fat-assed failure, he threw a book at me and slapped me hard across the cheek.

My younger 3 siblings I think joined the party as "flying monkeys", as they're called in narcissism world. I have been the family scapegoat through now, in my early 60s. I did love my father and wanted his attention and affection, naturally. He simply couldn't manage having a relationship where he wasn't one up on me all the time. Siblings and mother acted the same.

My father died 2 years ago. That went horribly. So did everything about his memorial service. I finally cracked when a kind therapist suggested CPTSD, which fit perfectly. But as I've pushed back, just opted not to attend/discuss/debate etc., the CPTSD has almost gotten worse not better. I have aquired OCD I think, where I can't stop thinking about the wrongs done to me and how there is no way out, ever. I feel my sanity slipping away despite continued therapeutic relationship and fantastic husband and 2 daughters. I have been yearning for a support group, and am glad to have found this one. Thanks for having me.

Pisa (like my life, where I tend to not to stand up straight but to lean over to one side, maybe in an endless dissociated state, and where I see the world in a slightly off-center way)

[Papa Coco]

Pisa,

Your intro really tugs at my heart. I'm very glad you reached out to the forum and to a therapist who was wise enough to introduce the CPTSD diagnosis.

I'm 63, and my story has a few similarities to yours. Parents who want to compete with their kids instead of nurture them absolutely baffles my mind.

I've gone No Contact with my family, which has greatly increased my healing, but I've noticed, as you have, that as I get older, it feels like my triggers are more obvious than they used to be. I sometimes tell my therapist that I think I'm getting worse, not better, but he responds with a lot of reminders that I was far more out of control when I started therapy. It's like I recognize my triggers now, so I think I'm having more of them. But in reality, I'm just better at recognizing them, and dealing with them.

The road to healing is a journey where we seek progress rather than perfection. This forum has been a great help to me for a couple of years now, and I sincerely hope it brings some comfort and comradery to you as well.

Welcome to the community.

[Kizzie]

Hello and a warm welcome Pisa, I'm so sorry for what your family put you through and that it has impact your life even into your 60's.I am 67 so CPTSD does last sadly. It does indeed sound like your F was threatened by you and isn't that a testament to how intelligent you are and that you were not the same as him or other family members when you think about it? Not that it doesn't hurt, so many of us here have dealt with similar childhoods and it does wound us deeply. I guess I'm just suggesting there may be another way to look at why he and other members of your family treated you as they did.  They really were threatened by you.

And IMO because you are here it means you are not the same as them, they would never see anything wrong in how they behaved and as such would never join a support group to figure things out and try to make things better for themselves and those around them.  But you have and now you are part of a community of survivors who are doing their level best to manage their symptoms and treat themselves and others with respect and kindness. 

One last note. My NM passed away in Nov and I did not go to her service.  I feel a smidgeon of guilt every now and then because I am a decent, kind person, but mostly I feel pride that I did not put myself through all the "She was such a wonderful person" stuff (she was a covert N and had many flying monkeys). Again, being proud of me for taking care of me is just another way of looking at things.

Kizzie

[Blueberry]

A warm welcome to the forum, Pisa   Sorry you need us, but since you do, glad you found us. For me it was a relief to find out - oh, this whole thing is cptsd. It's not just incessant depression plus-other-stuff. And then since then tons of: seeing myself and my symptoms, thoughts, feelings all over other posts all over the forum.

I finally cracked when a kind therapist suggested CPTSD, which fit perfectly. But as I've pushed back, just opted not to attend/discuss/debate etc., the CPTSD has almost gotten worse not better. I have aquired OCD I think, where I can't stop thinking about the wrongs done to me and how there is no way out, ever. I feel my sanity slipping away despite continued therapeutic relationship and fantastic husband and 2 daughters. I have been yearning for a support group, and am glad to have found this one. Thanks for having me.

ime it can get worse before it starts to get better. And there are a lot of ups and downs and back and forths. One step forward, two back and then onwards again. Or maybe the backwards steps just feel that way (they do feel that way for most of us on here, I think) but are really sideways steps or little holes we fall into and come out of again. They don't feel too good putting it mildly but we're here as support for when you're in one.

I've discovered there's a difference between having OCD (or any other 'disorders') and showing some symptoms of those disorders. Not being able to stop thinking about it sounds like part and parcel of cptsd to me. It does get better!

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome, Pisa.

As Blueberry has said, progress is not linear. When I started pushing back I found it viciously hard. My T had to do a lot of hand-holding as I struggled through simple things like refusing an invitation to a family party that FOO wanted me to attend. (It was not their party and the host was not at all bothered about my absence.) That refusal gave me grief for around three months - partly due to FOO annoyance but mostly due to my fear of FOO annoyance/retribution and fear that I would not be strong enough to hold my position. I was strong enough, but it did take a huge emotional toll. Gradually it becomes easier to hold firm to boundaries. Remember that you have a lifetime of coping mechanisms that once served you well. And which are familiar, and tempting to revert to. I cannot tell you how many times I would waver about my new boundaries, feeling it would just be easier to roll over like I have always done.

It does get better and easier, I promise you. And I think it is worth the effort. But it is a really tough journey. I wish you strength as you tread this path. And please be kind to yourself.

[Pisa]

Thanks you PapaCoco, Kizzie, Blueberry and NarcKiddo for your warm support, and for your jewels of wisdom. I didn't expect such depth of understanding so soon. I appreciate more than I can say.

Oh, I hope I can let go of the distracting dysfunction. Thinking detachment (NC) is crucial for the sake of sanity. More later.

Thanks again.