flashbacks from being near the house I lived in as a child

[apples]

Hello

I had flashbacks from being near the house I lived in as a child which of course is very understandable. I had to go by bus down town from where I moved to as an adult and then the bus did drive rather close to where we used to live. It gave me night mares after each time I had to go down town. What I did to get better from this was to actually walk in the neighbourhood now and then . I knew that no one was there that could hurt me. it was still rather painful experience to do so. but it did help eventually to get rid of the flashbacks and nightmares.

I had night mares about the summer house we shared with my mothers cousins also. what helped about that was to take the train over there and see the house. it helped with just being there one time.

I had really bad problems after my mother died. as I said in another post here is that I went to the hospital after my mother died and had to hold her hand when she was in a coma for 4 hours until she died.

it was really bad flashbacks I had after that. Also going inside my mothers apartment after she died was a nightmare. I had to leave after a few minutes.

what I did afterwards was to call the priest in the congregation I am with. He came to my mothers apartment with me and we talked for about one hour and I was okay being there and then it was easier to stay there and pack down her stuff.

its soon time for the funeral. I know I am going to get bad feelings before , during and afterwards. I have to go there though. will be good for me to see that she will be put to rest in dads grave. he's been waiting there for 31 yrs now.

[Kizzie]

Oh Apples, I am so, so sorry for what you are going through and just want to send you a  and tell you that I hope you are okay and will come back here and talk about this really tough situation. 

[apples]

Hello

I been to the funeral and I am okay. I was very nervous during it.

Was very angry after wards as I was insulted by some people that was there but luckily I dont have to see them ever again.

its like the missunderstood what I said on perpose just to take controll over the conversation

[apples]

Hello

just came home from the hospital had angina and heart failior and had to get treatment. I got no permanent damages they say. I am very happy because of that. I over tired myself carrying boxes with things from moms apartment when we emptied it.

I allmost became and angel too

very very spooky being there at the ER same ward my mother died in. was there for 3 days. I am so so happy I am home again.

Sat there thinking of mom and cried now and then.

[Dutch Uncle]

What heartbreaking stories, apples 
My condolences on the passing away of your mother.

Glad to hear you're OK now.

Happy that this angel that you are will hang out with us a little longer! 


All the best to you,
Hysperger

[Kizzie]

As Hysperger suggests Apples, glad you are okay and have come back to post here 

[apples]

I'm happy that my mom is dead. that is the best thing that could happen to me. I hated her. She only did hurt me all my life. then i had to take care of her. she forced me to take care of her. threatened me that if I didn't take care of her she would see to that I would get hurt in all kinds of ways.

Got an older brother that is much the same. he have a son that takes care of him. his son is forbidden to leave home.

I heard somewhere that its called vampires. I think they get that from the movies the film that where made with Tom Cruise or something like that.

a person makes another person take care of them wheather they like to or not.

I am never going to go to their grave again.

lots of people just think that fathers hurt their children. my mother did hurt me more than anyone in the entire world.

if I cry its out of joy that she is finally gone.

My mother wanted an abortion but was married and in the 60ties it was illegal with an abortion. my mother tried to make illegal abortion on me.

I am told by people that I am supposed to feel sorry for my mother but I am not I am hating her.

I think its the only thing that I can feel towards that *.

she never regretted that she tried to abort me.

she told me many many times as a child and even as an adult that she think it was not fair that one cant make abortions after the child is born. when abortion was made leagal I was told that she wanted to make an abortion even though I was 11 years old. she wanted me DEAD.

she forced me to take care of her when she got sick when she was old . she threatened me !!!

so skip the condolences.

I am so happy she is DEAD more than happy. its the most joyful thing in the world

my father had painted a portrait of her. I cut it into little bits and pieces . enjoying every second of it.

best feelings in the world doing it.

cutting the canvas with a knife right out of the frame!!!!!!!!!

I hate my parents for what they have done to me!!!

[Dutch Uncle]

Dear apples,

It's hard to read all you wrote.
But nowhere near as hard as it must have been for you to go through all that with your parents.

"I'm sorry for you/hearing that" is often a phrase used. I think. (English is not my mother's tongue, and I'm not accustomed to Anglo-Saxon funeral custom)
I find that a bit of an empty phrase. For I'm not sorry, as in: it's not me. Who am I to even pretend I'm part of it?

I do apologize for having used the phrase: "my condolences on the passing away of your mother." I now know it has been inappropriate.
I do empathize with your experience. But i've not gone through what you have gone through, for the better part of your life previous to her death, nor what you experience now.
My mom is still alive, but I can imagine I will go through similar feelings as you describe now.
My uHPDmom has beaten/fooled "The Grim Reaper" twice now (she can't have the Grim Reaper take Central Stage now, can she!), and can't help to think now and then: "Third Time's a Charm". (pun intended)

Words are often so hollow at events like this. I can remember a year or two ago that my niece died. I went to her funeral and felt so puzzled about what to tell her husband and (adolescent and young adult) children.
To her children (whom I hardly know) I did the 'obligatory/decent' thing, but her husband I wished 'weakness'. As in: instead of strength. That seemed such an out of place 'tune' as well. I think he 'got' it, even with the very brief 'explanation' I offered to him at the time for my words.

I'm sorry (for lack of a better phrase) for your loss. A loss that has occurred waaayyy before her actual death, I now gather.
May I wish you 'weakness' as well?


I feel it's totally appropriate what you did with regard to the painted portrait, and all the other things you mentioned.
I may well bury my mom as well, and never to return to her graveside. I have every inclination to do so.


May I close with stating that I'm happy you are here.
I'm happy you have not been aborted.
What a horrible thing your mother said to you. Repeatedly.

So I want to repeat what I said earlier to you:

What heartbreaking stories, apples 
Happy that this angel that you are will hang out with us a little longer! 

All the best to you,
Hysperger