Freinds, and other animals

[JamesG3]

Waking up early a lot at the moment. So... mind dump.

Thinking a lot about why my head was clearing so much, and specifically letting go of the painful connections around people who were supposed to be there for me... but weren't.

Silence is a terrible thing in friendships. Outright criticism is far easier to process, but silence is a major blow when you are in a traumatic crisis. I was hung up on this a LONG time. Small words of understanding from people with whom you have history are worth gold at such times, but tho I would, and have, offered such support to others when it came to my time in the microwave, there was nothing.

So... some questions.

Firstly... there may have been more, but I wasn't hearing it.
Maybe... worth asking myself that. There WAS some of that, but crucially, what succour came my way did NOT come from family or 'close' friends. Thats the critical point. It came from relative newcomers in my life. Some of it came from people who were entirely new in my life. So, no... it wasn't about not hearing it. It just wasn't coming from the people from whom it would have had the most value.

There was something about the people I'd chosen as friends.
This has been a bitter pill I think. My oldest friends came from a very specific group. We'd been in bands together from about 16, all on that wave of angry punk attitude. We were cynical, judgemental and dismissive. Well, I wasn't, but they undoubtedly were. This was the 1970s, and attitudes to mental health went about as far as listening to joy division. If you had an issue, it was invariably 'your fault'. Looking back I'm a tad appalled by how not compassionate their attitudes are. The good people in my life now are very different. The takeaway is that my friends were a bit... off. Accepting that is tough. But I think that's part of my new growth really. I'm not going to wait on validation from people incapable of offering it. They almost all joined in on the narrative my abusive sibling was building on me too, which I find unforgivable. I just don't need that, or them, in my life... in my mind anymore. No big moment, I'm just gonna stop waiting on the clifftop with a lantern for them.

Who matters?
The people that matter are the ones you can trust. You don't have to trust them to do that much; in fact, the biggest thing really is understanding. The great paradox is that the more someone understands you, the less you need to tell them. People who don't have any intention of understanding you, make you batter your head mothlike against their judgement as you try pointlessly to explain your fear, your concerns and your needs. A good friend just... knows. Looking back, I wasted my time badly on the former and didn't notice the latter. Madness really.

The trauma club.
I have one or two friends now who have also had trauma. I think that's very important. We need that grounding effect that a fellow traveller can bring. C-PTSD is a monster; it is probably impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't had it, really, no matter how much they pin back their ears. Even as I recover, some of the intensity of emotional pain it gave me becomes impossible to recall. I want to move away and never feel that again... ever. I want to forget. It's not translatable even to me now, so how can anyone else get that? That one friend who is on the same path is gold. Cherish them.

Make new friends.
It's tough starting again. But you can, and you should... get out there. Make sure you've learned your lessons tho. Narcissists will look for you if you've met them before, so filter like crazy and look for the big hearts, the ones with perspective and those with humility.

The past doesn't have to define the future.

[Papa Coco]

James,

There's a lot of wisdom in what you've said. The last line is a critical truth: The past doesn't have to define the future.

I'm sorry you're waking up so early in the morning, sleep is important, but often times, hard to get. I've been up since 3:30 am myself. Frustrating.

I was mostly drawn in by your comments that silence hurts worse than criticism. I resonate big time with that comment. It was intentional in my family. My real name is Jim also, I can still remember being only about 4 or 5 years old and Mom telling my dad and my 4 siblings, "Everybody ignore Jimmy until he behaves." She lived by that rule until she died when I was 48 years old. Ignoring people to make them feel bad. So, when you talk about how bad that feels, I hear you big time.

Thanks for putting these thoughts out there. I agree with you. I'd rather be yelled at than ignored. And the 1070s were a difficult time to share our vulnerable selves. People were all survivalists then. Everyone was just putting on their toughest fronts. Vulnerability just made a person into a problem that needed to be medicated or ignored. Surviving the 70s wasn't that easy a thing to do, especially for those of us with deep emotions.

[NarcKiddo]

"It just wasn't coming from the people from whom it would have had the most value"

This sentence jumped out at me.

Given what you have said further on in your post, it feels very much like an "if only". I'm glad you have realised that those old friends were fair weather friends and that you aren't going to wait for them any more. It is pretty galling when you know that you would go the extra mile for someone (or have indeed actually done so) and then discovered that they will not reciprocate. However, people seek out the familiar. Those of us with CPTSD are familiar with badly-behaved people and it is no surprise we can end up with less than stellar friends until we reach the point of realising that we do, actually, deserve better.

And you're right about the trauma club. I am just starting to try to be open to new friendships and to seek out people I can trust. I'm no longer looking for the acerbic wit, the clever put downs, the very amusing sarcasm. I can read Oscar Wilde as well as the next person if I want that. I don't want to be some sidekick to the "life and soul of the party", waiting for them to throw me some morsel of attention or dish out the occasional pat on the head. I'm looking for the quiet, kind, steady people.

Your advice is sound - make new friends. I wish you all the best in making yours.

[JamesG3]

Thanks all. It's good to be sharing these things again, and I think its especially important to share the recovery and not just the pain. There is undoubtedly a desire to move on and forget as far as possible, but there is a danger than no one  will come back to describe the recovery to those who wonder if it is even possible.

It is possible.

Hang in there and inform yourselves of everything - the science, the case studies and the hacks. Question those voices in your head that pull you down, and work out WHO's voice they are speaking in. Once you know who is responsible, then you can begin ridding yourself of their influence.

It's your life!

It's such a simple line, but it's pivotal. Whether your abuser(s) are still here or long gone, they have no right to be in your self confidence, pulling the levers. Get them out, and keep them out. Then live the life you should always have been living.

There are some terrible people in this world, keep them out of yours.

[dollyvee]

Hi James,

I'm sorry that those people in your life who you thought would be there for you, weren't. Thinking about NK's comment on the type of people she once sought out made me reflect yesterday on the kinds of people I once sought out, and wouldn't you know it, they were judgemental and rejecting where I was always on a precipice of losing favour, or being made fun of. So much like my FOO, and yet something in me was longing for that acceptance. Though I did spectacularly blame them for their behaviour as well, which is another thing I think I've missed about people and friendships, and how I can sometimes focus on a them bad, me good scenario when my shame-based self doesn't want to own up to the role I had in choosing these people in the first place, or the fact that I let people treat me like that (ie be abused?). I think because I was trying to "fix them" into loving me? I don't know. Let me pick drinking, partying people (so much like my m) and think that they're capable of giving me the care and concern that I lacked growing up. If they would love me, it would be in the way that my mother/family should have? Maybe I just didn't recognize that I was going to be a scapegoat again. It's not like I didn't have other, healthier options, which I did end up choosing, but I also sort of didn't. Something in me longed for and missed their friendship, and I can begin to see why.

I've also become a bit careful about seeking other people who "understand" what I'm going through, the ones who "get" me. At first, I thought yes, what a great way to be validated - that my experience is real! But I also think it's churning my most private struggles out in an effort to "trauma bond" with someone at times, and I don't think that's healthy either. I feel like it's good to be in a place where I'm ok with this stuff first and I can talk about it in snippets and, if they engage, that's great we can go deeper, but if they don't, it's not a reflection on me and I'm not going to take it personally, which I think I would have in the past. You don't want to hear about this stuff that happened to me? Then you must not value me, which is pretty black and white, but I think it was happening on some level emotionally because I needed that connection. Now, it's not to say that those people who can't engage are bad people, they're just maybe more superficial and I know to protect myself a little bit more, and there's limits with them. Could I really trust them? I don't know. I guess I would have to see over time, but I'm not dependent on them for validation. I think in the past I would have labelled these people as selfish because they didn't reciprocate in the same way, but I also think I was perhaps over-giving? Anyways, these are just my thoughts I'm working out.

Thanks for posting this topic and sharing yours. I think friendships are a big minefield for all of us with CPTSD and I know I've fell in a lot of mines along they way. I very much agree with trying to suss out the voices and where they're coming from because, especially with an NPD family, you get them very young and they just become a part of your make up.

Sending you support,
dolly