Not really sure what the subject should be? Me?

[someonewholovesthemselves]

Hello. I'm someonewholovesthemselves, but I actually am not. I was sexually abused by 5 of my close family members. It went on for over a decade. I don't remember the extent of it. My mind is blank. I know something happened, I don't know to what degree, which just confuses me as to why I'm traumatised.

My father was my bestfriend, my adviser, the lens through which I saw the world. I'm doubtful if he is a narcissist or if I am one. I never mistrusted him even once in my life. That changed 8 years ago, when he beat my mother up, with a shoe, whacked it on her head. She cried. She told me about it. Now she doesn't remember it. I thought okay, maybe he could justify it. I hated him for it, didn't talk to him for a year. Then he slapped her in front of his sister. I knew something was wrong. My mother didn't say anything. Then he slapped her again. I couldn't understand what was happening. I thought I loved him, I was addicted to him, I still am.

Earlier in their marriage he would swear at her, her parents, call her names, control her visits to her parents house, never letting her stay overnight. He also slapped my sister twice, and beat up my brother twice (that's what I remember). I don't know if he ever beat me up. Nothing comes up in my mind. He did exploit me though.

He threatened to beat me up with a shoe directed at my face. All my life, I thought he was my protector. Now I need protection from him.
I was the favourite child, because I was an overachiever. Always making him proud. He had something he could flaunt. He decided my major, he decided the college I went to. He decided that one of my abusers (she was from his side of the family) deserved to be forgiven. Because the abuse happened a long time ago, and because it was his brother's daughter (the brother that publicly humiliates his wife). My father defended his older brother. He chose to stay silent.

He was constantly manipulating me. Constantly. Because I never questioned him. Because I was naive. I thought everyone in the world is a good person. I was projecting who I was onto other people. If he wanted me to do something and I said no, he would ask it again and again, until I said yes. He gaslighted our family. Doesn't admit to ever hitting his wife, like it never happened. You cannot question him, or he lashes out. You cannot criticise him, he gets angered. You cannot keep boundaries with him, because he violates them.

My mother is terrified of him. She has reduced herself to a maid for him. She thinks it is normal. I could've forgiven all of this. But then something happened. Something inside me said No. He doesn't understand no. I do.

My first attempt at self- harm was after he told me I was ungrateful when I was depressed. He abandoned me when I needed him. He said, looking at the abrasions on my forearm, if you cry again, I'll beat you up .
I was suicidal back then, I specifically told him not to leave me during that time. I was vulnerable. He went to hang out with his friends. For 1 or 2 days. I don't remember. Came back, apologised.

I was regressive in 2022, cares about me. Took me to my appointments, gave me medications, and everything i wanted. Everything. I got my hair dyed, which he would've never allowed, because I was so sick. He only seemed to care for me when I was either sick or succeeding.

When I couldn't breathe, and was gasping for air, he conveniently left the room. When I was unresponsive, he told my sister she could slap me as hard as she can, as this is the perfect time for revenge. When my oxygen was dropping low (there may have been some problem with the oximeter because I don't have lung disease, but he didn't know that), and my mother told him, he said so what? When he got diagnosed with diabetes, it was a big deal. When I was bleeding, it was nothing to be serious about.

If I miss college, he would say you don't want to have a future. If I'm sick, I'm dramatic and manipulative. If I voice my opinion, I should shut up. If I ask for money, I'm greedy. If I spend my allowance, I'm constantly reminded of how much I spend. He works in real estate and makes good money. But makes me beg for it.

Shames me for not meeting his family, and the abuser. But what was shocking is this. I was messed up in my head at the time, and I threatened to harm other people. He said people like me can only be used and discarded, they cannot do anything. I needed his affection, he gave me his betrayal. Everyone thinks he is a great person. I know the monster he is. Always there for the extended family. Sleepless night for his brothers at the hospital. If I end up in a clinic, I'm weak, dumb, stupid, confused, worthless and what not.

Helping everyone, spending tons of money on strangers. Caring what and how people perceive of him. He cares about the opinion of literal strangers than his own family. He never realizes he is wrong. He is always right. And he never recognizes his mistakes, apologizes and not repeat them. He just says I'm sorry, and then repeats it all over again.

He preaches about morals and values, I know how hypocritical he is. The abuse of my mother is even worse. The dismissal, invalidation, minimalization, defensiveness are so apparent. People speak so highly of him. Nobody would believe a word of what I say. The abuse was worse when I was a child. I never got his unconditional affection, value, love, respect and trust.

He said he loved me, but when I felt like I was dying, he wasn't there.
He said he loved me, but whenever I would cry, he would leave.
He said he loved me, he was just using me as a trophy.
He said he loved me, but he made me want to die.
He said he loved me, but he did poke a colour pencil at my eye.

I left him for a week to live with my aunt (who loves to talk badly about people and remind them how much she does for them). She was toxic too. Left her too. Came back. He has been trying to make amends with me for 2 days now. Says he doesn't know what he has done.

All my life, I thought I loved him. Now I'm not sure if I've ever loved anyone at all, especially myself. I've never been protected, loved unconditionally, remembered, missed, considered, appreciated, celebrated.
I'll have to grieve the love I had for someone that never existed. I'll be grieving for a long time. He was the only love I knew, which meant I never knew love at all. I used to think if he left me I'd die. Now I think, if he didn't leave me I'd be better off dead. And I don't want to die. I want to experience how loving myself and accepting myself would feel like.

This is a long post.

[NarcKiddo]

"I was addicted to him"

I think several of us will identify with that. A member here has described craving her mother like a bad drug. I was addicted to my mother for a long time, desperately trying to elicit the fun version of her that was so exhilarating to be with.

Only being cared for when sick or succeeding resonates too. Hugely.

What I am very happy to read is your sentence "I want to experience how loving myself and accepting myself would feel like." You will.

I should have done this in opening, but in closing I would like to welcome you to OOTS and wish you all the best on your journey towards healing.

[Papa Coco]

Welcome to the forum.

I know the feeling of "being addicted to" someone who loves me in a narcissistic way. What I always said about my father is "I pursued his love my whole life." I did everything I could for him so he'd love me, but at the end of the day, our connection was based on what I could do for him.

I'm glad that you have found this OOTS forum. I sincerely hope the loving people here are able to be of help to you as you begin to experience how loving yourself and accepting yourself will feel.

Pretty much everyone I talk to on this forum has a deep understanding of what it is like to have been raised by narcissists. That's one thing we can speak freely with each other about.

Welcome!

[someonewholovesthemselves]

Hey PapaCoco
It feels like loving someone who doesn't even exist. Who I thought he was, was actually me projecting myself onto him. What I loved in him was myself. Because I never really saw him for who he was. Now, I do. It hurts alot. It feels like you're about to die, but your breathing doesn't stop. It feels like I'm in the in-between.

[Papa Coco]

Someone,

I feel you. I know that feeling. It's a shock to discover that we were in love with a shadow. It's a sign, however, that you are a very good person. Wanting to love and be loved is something that only good people do. As painful as it is to break free from the illusion, notice what you yourself said above, "...Who I thought he was, was actually me projecting myself onto him. What I loved in him was myself...." what beautiful words. I hope you can re-read what you wrote and see where you said, Who you loved was yourself. I hope you can feel that love for yourself now. You DO deserve to love yourself.

I've been through it. It gets better. Let yourself feel good about being the kind of person who wants love. Narcissists can't find love no matter how hard they try. We are the lucky ones who want it, recognize it, and pursue it.

It's my opinion that loving oneself is really the golden goal that every human being alive can find solid ground in doing. It's taken me a while, but I'm feeling my own love for myself now. I know it can be done. And I know it really is wonderful when that self-love begins to grow in us. We can begin to breathe again and feel alive while we're alive.

I'm pulling for you.

[someonewholovesthemselves]

PapaCoco
You are very generous.
As for my beautiful words, I used to write, and in my opinion, I wrote beautifully. I stopped doing it because if he found out (he was trying to) he would get upset.

[NarcKiddo]

TW grooming

I was groomed by a man in a position of trust from the ages of 13-17 (I ended the relationship then). I thought he loved me and I loved him. I ended the relationship because I found out his wife was about to have a child. I still loved him. I believed he loved me and that it was just unfortunate he was already married. The baby is why I ended the relationship.

It has taken me nigh on 40 years to realise he was grooming me. And when I did realise, there was a horrible dilemma. Because I realised "bad" Mike was just that. Bad. But I never loved "bad" Mike. I loved "my" Mike. The one who I thought loved me. Who was, in large part, a figment of my imagination.But no less real to me, for all that. When kids have their imaginary friends those friends are, as I understand it, very real to the kids. Overlay the imaginary friend onto a real flesh and blood human and it becomes easier to see how you can actually love a figment of your imagination.

I have had to grieve "my" Mike in order to let him go. It's been tough. So I totally get how hard it is for you as you grapple with your situation. You've mentioned having to grieve on other threads. And you're right to realise that is necessary, even if what you are grieving is not the actual person.

[someonewholovesthemselves]

Your words resonate with me
I am afraid of people and sharing my ideas because I've been told all my life that I am worthless so I like to stay quiet and not seem like a burden. But I want to say the following:
I have to grieve someone who never even existed
I have to grieve not realising my own existence until nor
I have to grieve losing all that I have ever known
I have to grieve the decisions I never got to make
I have to grieve the love I never got
I have to grieve loving someone so much I lost myself
I have to grieve someone hating me so much I began hating myself
I have to grieve because I am done being made to feel worthless.
I have to grieve because I never realized my worth.
I do now.