Moving out

[someonewholovesthemselves]

My narcissistic father is causing me to lose my mind. I have been having episodes of dissociative memory loss. I had decided to move out and finish my college degree and never see him again. I couldn't leave my mother behind, I love her way too much and she is being abused. It is heartbreaking to move away from her. I need to go to build a life. Any suggestions?

[Kizzie]

Just my thoughts here but you can only do so much for your mother if she will not help herself. You can talk honestly with her about how you feel but it's up to her whether she hears you and/or decides to act on her own behalf. 

Many of us have had to make the truly difficult decision to put ourselves first, because not do so meant we would suffer greatly perhaps even perish.

I hope you can make some peace with your decision.

[someonewholovesthemselves]

Hey Kizzie
Your response served as a healing balm. It calmed me down.
It is truly heartwarming that there are people like us in this world.

[Kizzie]

 

[Papa Coco]

I agree with Kizzie. I also wonder if staying there "for her" is helping her at all. I don't know the answer to that question, but if you are staying there because you feel bad for her, is that helping her in any way? Or is it just dragging you into the discomfort that she's choosing to stay in herself?

These are just my thoughts. I don't know your situation in any great detail. I just wanted to share with you my reaction to your choice to stay in the abuse because she's choosing to.

I noticed in my own healing path that I stayed in my family's abuse until I was 50. From ages 20-50 I sought therapy and medications too many times to count. None of it did anything but keep me from sinking too low. It was when I finally left the abuse that therapy and medications began to work.  I then started saying to myself and the world "You can't start healing from a train crash until after the train stops crashing."  I was in a 50 yearlong train crash. I finally started healing permanently when I left the scene and stopped the abuse by escaping it.

[someonewholovesthemselves]

Hey PapaCoco
I had read your responses to other  people, I was looking forward to getting to know your perspective.
It is her choice to be devalued, it is mine to not be.
I am distancing myself.
I deserve unconditional love, affection, support, value, respect, trust and validation
It feels weird saying that out loud. But I have chosen a path and I refuse to go back. I am done with being abused.

[dollyvee]

Hi someone,

I agree with Kizzie that we have to save ourselves. In my own experience, I kept wanting to save my mom from my abusive step father, thinking that I could help her, or try to show how much better off she's be without him (Spoiler alert, my m was also a narcissist, but it took me longer to see that). I even broke down the financials once and it actually seemed like she was listening, but she never left him. It was heart breaking to see her go through that and for the part in me that wanted that "mom" I needed to come out the other side, but she never did. Sometimes the most difficult thing I think is letting go of the idea, or fantasy, that they're going to be there for us one day in the way we need them to, and not putting ourselves first. Good for you for recognizing this and saying no to the abuse 

Sending you support,
dolly

[someonewholovesthemselves]

Hey Dolly
I loved how you said, "We have to let go of the idea, or the fantasy that they are going to be there for us, in the way we need them to be"
It is really hard for me to judge people. My mother for example is hypersensitive to criticism. I have not learned how to trust my judgement yet. I know something is off, I'm just incapable of sensing what exactly. Do you have any suggestions that can help?

[Blueberry]

Hi someone,

I'm not dolly but I could have written most of her post from similar experience, except I was more trying to save my F than my M and have come to realise that the whole family system is unhealthy and messed up and doesn't actually want to be saved etc.

It took me a long, long time to start being able to judge people, situations, anything really, for myself. That is connected to how I was treated by FOO. When I'm in an EF (emotional flashback), I don't trust my judgement about the smallest details. But there are times when I do! I've got to this stage by spending more time with people who support me and less time with people who are hyper-critical of me, and an awful lot of time in therapy unfortunately. Therapy helped me break away from the overly-critical and find and approach and stay with people who are different from FOO. It has been a long road for me.

You're taking a lot of healthy and healing steps atm and realising a lot. Learning to trust your own judgement will come, possibly on the back of other healing steps.