No more being a victim

[Papa Coco]

HealingFinally,

You have a very mature way of looking at this situation. My hat is off to you. I am learning from you now. I wasn't so patient with my family when my sister pushed me out and I decided to go No Contact with my dad during his final year of life. I took it all personally. It was a very dark time for me.

Not taking it personally is the message I'm taking from you today. You are proving to me that it's healthier for me in the long run. I let myself fall into the role of the victim, so I saw escape as my only solution.

I like your attitude better than the one I was in during my time in the family with an evil sister and my family of flying monkeys surrounding me.

[Kizzie]

Your M may be clueless but honestly I wonder. Just my opinion but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand how awful it feels to be shunned. And again JMO, but it's your right to keep telling her how much it hurts you to have her tell you about what a good time she had at something you were not invited to or with other family members that are basically shunning you. 

How would you feel about blocking her if she doesn't stop doing things like that? It is your right to do so and IMO she really needs something to make her hear you and understand that what she is doing is quite hurtful. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what it feels like to be shunned.

You said she is not vindictive and doesn't have a mean bone in her body but then went on to say

Way before my family alienation, I continually had to deal with my mother bending over backwards for my sister's needs while she stomped on mine. 

That does sound like she is aware of how she is treating you on some level, otherwise wouldn't she treat you the same as your sister? Just saying Healing Finally IMO you deserve better, much better.

[dollyvee]

Hey HF,

I'm inclined to go along with Kizzie's line of thinking after I read your post. It sounds like gaslighting and that your m is denying space for your feelings to exist, and when you protest, she goes into victim mode. We can all have trauma, but it doesn't mean that we get to stomp on, or deny the way our actions influence other people. We still have to be accountable. For me, I learned that I had/have a very specific way of looking at my family (my gm and gf) because they were important attachment figures in my early life and I needed them to survive at that time. I wasn't able to see the things they were actually doing, and that the way they were behaving towards me was hurtful because I needed them to survive, which carried on into my adult life. It's a way of behaving that I adopted that keeps me thinking that I don't matter, my needs don't matter. Just because they had trauma in their life doesn't mean that your needs take a back seat, or you have to put them first because your are "healthier."

I think it was quite insensitive of your m to send that post and not inquire about your weekend at all. A lot of the time abuse is looked at as someone being mean/vindictive as in the classical definition of narcissism, but it's also much more subtle and can come in the form of gaslighting and denial. In relation to what Kizzie is saying about blocking your m, which might seem like a huge thing, I recommend reading the Becoming Me book. Sorry, it's advice but I think that book just illustrates so well what a lot of us go through, and the back and forth we do about is it abuse? Am I in the wrong etc? because we have been gaslit from such an early age. Spoiler alert, she does end up blocking her mother but talks about all the feelings around that too.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Healing Finally]

Thank you again for your thoughts everyone, really appreciate it. 

From dollyvee "...your m is denying space for your feelings to exist, and when you protest, she goes into victim mode."
                                         

UGH, YES this is what happens. I knew the second part, but needed someone to point out the first. 

Within my Out of the Storm Zoom #2 group meeting yesterday we talked about this a lot and I am starting to understand that I am denying my feelings, again.

I zoomed with my mother yesterday afternoon and I was going to ask her why she can't understand my need to protect myself but I just couldn't.

I think a lot of it really has to do with my need for her approval. UGH   

I will work on this, thanks all for giving me more food for thought on my journey to HEALING FINALLY! 

[Blueberry]

 

[dollyvee]

HF,

I hope you're able to find some space to be gentle with yourself and sending you a hug if that's ok 

It's taken me twenty years to start unpacking this same pattern I have in my family and it's not easy. In fact, it's heartbreaking when you begin to do it. I just want to say that there's others on the forum who are in your shoes and we're here to support you. I feel like if I were to ask my gm that question, she would have said of but I do love you and want to protect you. So, why did it never feel that way? Because it never went any deeper for me. We could only talk about me superficially (or when there was gossip and I was stressed, or in a bad place to vent), but when it came time to validate my feelings, or stand up for me, that protection wasn't there. My method in dealing with this wasn't to have to conversation with her where I asked her something like you were intending, where I could see clearly if she was able to support me or not in her answer (and in further explanations etc), but was more of banging my head against the problem repeatedly, constantly feeling like I was the problem then trying to work out why not because on some level I did need that idea of "love" and acceptance.

I hope you find some space to work this out,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

HF

I understand your decision to hold back on talking with your mom about how you feel about the abuse you're taking from your sister.  My thought is that any conversation that potent shouldn't be done until you feel 100% ready. You didn't feel ready, so you wisely held back. I would have done the same.

[Healing Finally]

Hello all, thanks again for your thoughts.

Yes dollyvee, I'm going through the same thing, feeling grief about the unhealthy family pattern that didn't take my needs into consideration, and how I couldn't see it.

I realize something that I've heard many times before, I'm the one working on myself and getting better so I'm the one that now can see the pattern.  My sister and my mother are not, they are still stuck in the dysfunction and are not making any movement to change.

What I also realize is my mother has to deal with "cognitive dissonance", as she feels obligated to support my sister's beliefs and outlook while she deals with me and my reality of being hurt by it all.  I appreciate you all pointing out her superficial behavior towards me, I've just been so used to her "caring" about me, but not to the point of making any changes to the awful family situation.

More here on cognitive dissonance: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/cognitive-dissonance

I did some EMDR on Monday with my psychologist on my need for my mother's approval and it helped!  I realize it's really not approval, strangely, it's just acknowledgement; as I can feel invisible due to my sister's desire to remove me from the picture 

I am now working on not needing acknowledgement from anyone, just to be an active human being on the planet. 

[Lakelynn]

This is a bit late, sorry to have missed it.

I'd like to say how great it is to know you went to a Meet up and found some like minded people. It's good to get out and do something out of the ordinary. You might just do that again, or even add something to it.

As I said in group when we met last, I am acquainted with your struggle. Every day you can claim yourself without a label is a day that's moving you ahead. It takes a lot to disentangle from family dynamics. And even if therapists are kind and helpful, only YOU know how you feel inside. 

You might find something here: The Karpman Drama Triangle. Stephen Karpman was a protege of Eric Berne and developed a theory of how people behave in ways that are frustratingly painful. It can be family members or anyone that you find confusing. Although the theory mentions a triangle, which you might assume contains 3 people, it is a game for 2 cycling through repetitive roles. Look on the left margin for articles. The site seems wordy and intimidating, feel free to check out the concept elsewhere.

I found great comfort and understanding there. It was my ticket to freedom.