Feeling everything all at once

[someonewholovesthemselves]

Sometimes I don't feel anything at all. My mind, body and spirit go numb. Lifeless. And sometimes, I feel everything all at once. I feel a lump in my throat. I feel my chest tighten, my body tremble and my brain unable to comprehend anything.It feels like I'm about to die but death doesn't come. I think I'm either in the space between life and death. Or I have already died and this is *. * can't be any worse than this. I'd rather get my flesh burned than my body violated, mind paralysed or spirit agonised. This is pain. This is painful. This is so painful it is funny. This is so funny it is painful.
It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts alot. It hurts because the only one person that is supposed to love me, doesn't love me back. It is me. I have loved other people so much I forgot myself. It is painful, it is painful to love people so much, because nobody loved me that way. Nobody did. I didn't. I betrayed myself. I turned my back on me. I never cried for me. I was so busy tending to your wounds, I never realized I was bleeding myself. I was so pre occupied with accomplishments, I forgot how to live. I've never lived. I've existed. But no, I can't say I lived. This is not living. This is livid. (Funny)
I am gonna cry.
I am gonna cry.
I am gonna cry.
The tears don't come. My lacrimal glands are betraying me. I am tongue tied. My vocal cords are traitors, indeed. My mind and body are collapsing, they turned out to be treacherous in the end too.
One thing isn't betraying me though. The love that radiates from within me. It is so bright, I was blinded by its radiance and led to believe everyone has a light within them that shines. I am wrong. People are an endless abyss of darkness. They are theirs, I'm not even mine.
What hurts is, even if they hurt me, I won't hurt them back. To love is beautiful, but one who knows how to love, cannot hate at all. Atleast not me. Love ate away at the hatred I had inside me. It hurts. It hurts because there is love. It hurts because there has always been love. It will hurt, but it will also heal.
It will heal, but it will leave a scar. A souvenir for love that once existed, that once almost killed me, and that I decided to love myself first. Wounds heal, scars don't.
My heart is my map. It is impossible to measure how much a human heart can endure. It can carry pain as deep as the ocean and it will continue to function. The lungs continue to breathe even when it feels like that air is choking me. I feel vulnerable. I am being vulnerable because nobody knows my name. I can be me. Unapologetically, irreplaceably me. It burns. It burns. It burns. My heart is ripped open, my soul is ablaze and my mind is in a gas chamber, that can explode anywhere, anytime.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'd rather be safe than strong.
They say scars are beautiful. I'd rather be ugly than beautiful. (To be honest, I'd rather be beautiful, I just wanted to write this line)
They say what must light up should endure burning. I'd rather not light up at all, just stop with the burning.
I have lost hope in people. People don't love us, they love how we make them love themselves. The world is a cruel place. Hearts are imprisoned and minds locked up.
If bravery had a face, it'd be mine.
The following trigger me
Compliments
Admiration
Praise
Being loved and cared for.
I have lost my hope in humanity. But the woman in me says, she loves me. I want to believe her. She is not a liar, she is a fighter. She is terribly afraid, she feels like she is dying, but when death actually arrives at her door, she is going to embrace it like a long lost friend. After all, she lived with the love of her life, all her life. Herself. It took her some time to realize that but she became aware of it and never looked back.
She is a queen. She shakes empires. She sometimes shakes herself, but she remains unshook.
She has started to love herself. It is only a start, but a million dollars aren't a million if only 1 dollar is missing from it. I am my one dollar. My missing dollar, my stepping stone, my foundation.
I'm scared of people complimenting me. I'm just a normal girl, nothing special about me. I'd like to remain as such. I'd appreciate no praise, compliment or admiration. They make me feel uncomfortable.
Love and light
Someone

[Chart]

I'll split the love with you, SWLT...
100% love to you
100% love to me
Thank you