returning after some years

[saintmartha]

Possible trigger:  some religious reference, very general overview of my story...

Hi everyone,
I don't know  how long its been since I was on this forum. Grateful that its here. I guess I go through seasons where the pain gets so deep and intense, and no one in my outer life seems to understand. Even therapists!!!

I'm going to look around for a thread that seems best to post where I'm at. For now, I'll re-introduce...

I am a Christian and I want to KEEP my faith, but, since my abuse started at birth due to a very unwell mother, and continued in the church, well, you know, I sometimes...no OFTEN get mad at God. Try sharing that at church! LOL

Lately, I've been having snippets of memory returning. But mostly, its the pre-verbal, infant terror of being hurt by "mom," that's kicking my rear end.

The feelings are dark, chaotic, overwhelming...like a hurricane and a dirty bomb going off at the same time. "Why, God?" I said today, and cried so deep and hard I thought my stomach was going to come out of my mouth.

When many of one's "memories" are pre-verbal and somatic only, its hard to sum up one's story. But I'm sensing I must.

Off to mingle with some of you. Thanks for being here.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome back Martha. I am not religious but I can well imagine if you are a person of faith how angry you can be at God for the hand you were dealt. Most of us grieve the life we could (should) have had so you are in good company here. It may help to share how you're feeling with us, I know it helps many of us to do so. 

 

[Beijaflor57]

Hi Martha.

I'm a newbie here, but welcome back.

Just wanted to say that I'm a Christian and I can relate SO much to what you've shared. Unfortunately, most of the abuse I've experienced in my life has come from 'Christian' family members and other so-called 'Christians.' It's been incredibly damaging to my faith. I don't even like calling myself a 'Christian' due to the label's negative connotations for me.

I still hang onto my personal faith, but I shy away from most churches and institutional Christianity. They are, sadly, not safe places for me.

Hang in there. Know you're not alone. I'm sure there are far more of us out there than you realize.