I love you anyway

[someonewholovesthemselves]

I get triggered by admiration, compliments or anything of that sort because then I feel like I'm writing for compliments which I'm not so refrain from praising anything about me.
Hi Papa
I love you
Mama said you carried me home from the hospital after I was born. She said I was your favourite. You were my favourite too.
You said I had a big nose when I was born, but after 2 days, you thought I was pretty. I would sit in your lap. I would wake up in your arms. I would kiss you Papa. I loved you. You were my best friend, my protector, the love of my life. I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved you. I loved you so much I'm not myself anymore. I've given all I had to you. I've given myself to you. I've given you my happiness. I've given everything I ever possessed. I'm not me anymore. There is nothing inside me anymore. My desire to love and be loved, has come to an end. I have come to an end. My love for you, killed me. It killed me. It killed me. Death didn't hurt, what did hurt was you didn't care. I was breaking apart, I loved you anyway.
I was really small, I remember the first dream I ever had, it was about you. I saw you covered in blood, unmoving. I woke up, you were asleep next to me. I cried, alone. For the first time, I didn't know I had to cry alone for many more years to come.
I was 3, you went to visit grandma who lived in another country, I cried for days.
I was 7, you left for another country, I cried so much my aunt took me to her house and I skipped school the next day.
I was 9, I was depressed, I was inconsolable. You said I'm ungrateful, that you've given me everything, you left me to cry alone. I loved you anyway.
I was 15, you beat my mother up. I saw her crying. I loved you anyway.
I was 15, I didn't talk to you for a year. I loved you anyway.
I was 16, I had depression, you said I was ungrateful. I told you to leave, you left. I was crying alone again.
I was 16, sat on the bathroom floor, begging myself to not make a sound whilst I was crying, because I thought it'd hurt you to see me cry.
I was 16, I self harmed because of our fight, for the very first time. You said if I cried again, you'd beat me up. I loved you anyway.
I told you I make my decisions myself, you said i deserve to be beaten up. I loved you anyway.
I wanted you to be there for me, you never were. I loved you anyway.
I went to the college you chose for me, I cried every single day that I was there. I loved you anyway.
I called you up to tell you I couldn't breathe. You said you're in the middle of something. I loved you anyway.
You physically abused my mother, again. I loved you anyway. You did it again. I loved you anyway.
You slapped my little sister, hard. I was scared you would do that to me. I loved you anyway. You did it again. I couldn't stop myself from loving you.
I got sick, I was in regression, I became a child, you loved me when I became a child. I knew it has nothing to do with me, you loved being in control. I loved you anyway.
I told you I was being suicidal, I told you to stay with me. You went with your friends.
I loved you anyway.
You said you couldn't stand up to your brother, or confront his daughter for abusing me sexually. I didn't know what I felt. I felt betrayed.
I thought if I loved you more, you'd eventually love me back. You never did.
It broke me.
I was heavily sedated for 6 months because I was so sick. I didn't know who I was but I remembered you. I wish I could rip my heart out of my chest.
You got me admitted to a psych ward. I was begging you to take me home, I told you I loved you, I couldn't live without my sister. You never allowed me to live. It hurt so much, it stopped hurting.
I was depressed, you said if I don't get to class and get a degree, I'm worthless.
I couldn't stop loving who I thought you were
You humiliated me when I told you how you made me feel, somehow, I was the one who'd be at fault. I couldn't stop loving you
You said I'm weak, confused, a *, selfish, worthless, useless. I believed you because I couldn't stop loving you
I used to cut myself. You would cry when I did that. You would tell me to cut your arm instead. Did you love me?
I am terrified of you. I was terrified if I said anything about you to anyone, you would kill me. I couldn't stop myself from loving you
I couldn't breathe, my mother told you I needed to go to the hospital. You said you didn't care. My love for you didn't change. It just turned into a poison that had the power to destroy my life. You were killing me mentally, and I couldn't stop loving you.
I was bleeding, I was throwing my guts out. You said it didn't matter. I couldn't stop loving you.
You said everything I have is yours. When I asked you for it, you said I'm never going to give anything to you. I couldn't stop loving you
You bribed me to go to college when I was dying. When I didn't have the energy to go, you took back your money and told me to **** off. I couldn't stop loving you.
You were yelling at me, my mother said you're making me sick. You said you didn't  care. I loved you anyway.
You said I don't deserve to be respected. I didn't stop loving you.
And then one day, I was dying. You didn't care. You didn't care at all. Nobody did. I did care for my life. I did care for my happiness. I cannot change how I feel about you. I cannot stop loving you.
I have realized that I can love you with all my heart, and still choose to not be in your presence. I've loved you all my life, but I don't want to anymore. I can't have anymore love for anyone. I gave it to you.
I didn't even give it to myself.
I reduced myself to nothingness for you.
I loved you, you made me stop believing
In love.
I am never going to let anyone get close to me again. I never want to love again.
I'm scared because someone will, I'm scared because I won't. I'm scared because I'd hurt them the way you hurt me.
I'm scared because I'd become you. I'm scared because I'd cause someone the same pain you caused me. I'm scared. I'm so so scared.
I won't be able to love anyone Papa.
And I choose not to be loved anymore.
I'll just be myself, nobody would love the real me.
But I do need suggestions on how to stop people from loving me, I'm not going to be someone else, I'll be myself. I don't want the real me to be loved, not pretend me. The real me doesn't want to be loved. She is scared. She cannot break anymore than she already is broken.
She is not here anymore. Her love for her father exists. But she's gone.
She's gone.
She's gone.
She's gone.
She's gone.
She left herself because she loved her Papa so much.
I wish I could've loved her. But it won't matter to her anymore. People don't matter to her anymore. Their love doesn't matter to her anymore. Nothing matters anymore. She loved and she lost.
She's dead.