Breathe

[someonewholovesthemselves]

I have a friend. She has C- PTSD and a narcissistic father. She was sexually abused by her uncle, when she was 2-3 years old. She doesn't have any recollection of it, is what she told me.
She did something really strange. She is in love with her mother. There's the kind of love you can die for. And then there's love that you want to live for. She was suicidal, I know for a fact, for some period of her life, atleast. She didn't want to hurt her, it didn't matter to her, how much she was hurting, she didn't want her mother to cry over her. So didn't do anything, which I'm thankful for.
The other day, she called her uncle up (the one that sexually abused her), he lives in another country, to come meet his mom. Since the entire family is reuniting for a few days. Everyone is coming from around the world. She didn't care, I have seen the way she looks at her mother, I've never seen someone be so in love with another human being.
She said she's in a stable state now, and her mother doesn't know that her brother did that, she'd be happy to see him. As for her, she can protect herself now. She would do anything to make her happy. I've never met anyone that loved so deeply. I mean, I don't understand if she's incredibly kind, or insane. But yes, she's giving. And it hurts to see her give out so much because she doesn't get anything in return. She's isn't bothered though.
I know it isn't really my place to  say anything, but as a friend, how can I be there for her? Any suggestions?

[Kizzie]

I'm a bit confused - was it her uncle or her brother that sexually abused her when she was 2 or 3? And how does she know this as it really was at such an early age?

To the question of how you can help, if she is not in distress presently (although if she has been suicidal most of her life I'm not sure she's not actually distressed), then perhaps it is best to leave it. If/when she becomes noticeably distressed perhaps then you can respectfully and gently suggest her past abuse may be causing problems for her and it may be helpful to see a professional.

[Papa Coco]

It can be painful for me when I see someone who needs some help but is unable to see it for themselves. Sometimes I just don't believe there's anything we can do to help someone who doesn't realize they need it.

In AA, we're all aware that none of us were able to quit drinking because someone wanted us to. Each of us had to reach that awareness on our own. That's what they call "reaching rock bottom." Being addicted to her mom, is an addiction just like being addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, sex, or anything else. The addict has to come to the realization that they need help. When they finally see that they need help, then they seek help, and then they find help. I personally believe that's when it's important that we, their friends, remain watchful and ready to help when they are finally ready to accept it.

It hurts to watch, but we are each on our own path, and we can't help those who don't see the need to accept that help.

As the old saying goes: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

When I love someone who is harming themselves, I just make sure they know that I love them, so that if a day comes when they reach out, they'll know I'm there to reach out to.

[someonewholovesthemselves]

Kizzie

It was her uncle (her mother's older brother)

She remembers it vaguely (doesn't remember the entirety of the event). But she does have images popping up in her head reminding her of the event

Is she being self destructive?

[someonewholovesthemselves]

PapaCoco

I think her hyperindependence comes from the trauma.

I had read somewhere you never truly know how broken someone is until you try to love them.

It breaks my heart to see how worthy of love she is, and how cruel life had been to her.

I can check in with her from time to time. I think that would work.

[Kizzie]

I don't know if she is being self-destructive as I don't know her. I think your idea of checking in with her is a positive one as then she will know she has a friend and who among us doesn't need more of those?