New (probably more triggers than a Roy Rodgers Look Alike contest)

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narlexia

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I'll attempt to keep this as concise as I can as I still have trouble with 'talking' about this - even from behind a keyboard.

NMom, workaholic EDad, GC sister (who bloomed into a full fledged N by 13.) and me - the SG son. 

My entire life - and the choices I made and that were made for me - until I turned 18 were based primarily on "How did it make NSis feel?" If she had a crush on a male friend of mine and he didn't reciprocate, I couldn't have them visit because "it's not fair to NSis". NSis would then turn around and start on the "Why don't you ever have any friends?" in private.  If I wanted to do something I had to make sure NSis didn't want to 'pull rank' and choose to do something else, at which point I'd be stuck watching her do whatever.  If it wasn't verbal abuse it was physical - Nsis would swing for the fences when she was mad, and 'tattling' on her was worse.  Not that it did much, because the default stance of Nmom was "she's a girl." Well yes, and when she's nearly twice my weight (I was scrawny until 16) she kind of hits harder.

Put on Prozac for 'social anxiety' before my age hit double digits. (Gee, wonder where THAT came from.)

Moved out of home six months after Nmom filed for divorce (apparently when his job said "You're moving to X. You can either accept the promotion, or spend the rest of your life with the company doing what you're doing now" that constituted him 'abandoning her' because she didn't want to move. It was a convenient excuse.)  Joked for years "I was extracted." Found out two weekends ago that wasn't a joke - the person who got me out was terrified what would happen if she didn't.

In and out of therapy for 8 years now. (Had a hard time trusting therapists as the one they made me go to when I was 14 would speak to them before the appointment, and then bring them in and tell them what I'd said during.)  They threatened to commit me at one point until they realized they'd have to sign paperwork for it, and I informed them if they did they might as well be dead when I get out - because that's what I'd treat them like.

Back in therapy now. C-PTSD is the first thing that's made any sense - up to this point I've always been told I was "anxious" or "bipolar" or "moody". Was put on a dose of antipsychotics high enough to knock me into anhedonia... in high school.

The first big breakthrough was the realization that Nsis has never had a friendship or relationship last for more than 4 years... whereas I've been with my wife for 13 now, and I've known my best friends for 21, 18, and 17 years.

So.... hi.

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keepfighting

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Re: New (probably more triggers than a Roy Rodgers Look Alike contest)
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2015, 12:33:31 PM »
Hi, narlexia,

nice to meet you on this forum!  :wave:

It's crazy making, growing up in a home that's ruled by Ns, isn't it? How they make you think that you are the problem, the 'oversensitive' one, when all the time they are dysfunctional and your reactions are normal in the situation.... I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that I am merely showing the symptoms of someone else's disease (overt Nf, covert Nm, PD sis).  :stars:

I am very sorry you've had such horrible experiences with Ts before but it is great that you are brave enough to try working with another one. I hope that this one will work out for you! CPTSD was the first thing that made sense to me, too, and there are many possibilities to work with that diagnosis, so that's the 'good news'.

Best wishes, kf

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: New (probably more triggers than a Roy Rodgers Look Alike contest)
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2015, 02:31:42 PM »
Hi  :wave:

Me too - cptsd is the only thing that fits and makes perfect sense and hope !!
I feel so grateful for all the work that has been done so far -

I've had lots of therapy over the yrs and now am seeing someone who specialises in child trauma - she is v good and I don't have to pay for the 1st time !  :hug:

Good luck on the recovery journey sailing towards who we were meant to be a day at a time

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Kizzie

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Re: New (probably more triggers than a Roy Rodgers Look Alike contest)
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2015, 04:16:52 PM »
Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Narlexia :wave:

The first big breakthrough was the realization that Nsis has never had a friendship or relationship last for more than 4 years... whereas I've been with my wife for 13 now, and I've known my best friends for 21, 18, and 17 years.

That's it in a nutshell  isn't it?! (It's not me, it's them.)  NPD FOO are so good at making us feel like we're the ones with the problem, but when the fog begins to clear we see how untrue that really is.  Glad you have come to the realization as you're absolutely right, it's a huge one!   :applause: 

It can be difficult to talk about CPTSD but you'll find it's safe here and that members are supportive and compassionate so hopefully you won't feel that way for long.  :hug: