hello i'm mael

[Mael]

I'm mael, i have struggled most of my life , I have three good memories from my childhood ,driven out at 16 then moved straight in with a 24 year old. just so many breakdowns ,always felt i had to stay for the children , left when i was 29 and the kids 3 and 9 went into emergency care after a couple of months .I got custody and had about 4 years of a calm life but very lonely hardly talking to anyone other than my children ,no friends ,i tried but never managed it. then a quick intense affair with a women going through a divorce with a violent partner .lasted 4 months.

Then a  20 year marriage to an extremely manipulative women and had 4 kids. She totally isolated us and controlled every aspect. At the start of May she popped into town to do some shopping and take our daughter to her councillor and about 1/2 hour later rang to say she wanted a divorce and never wanted to speak or see me again. So i am a single dad again. She ghosted me for 3 weeks ,then turned up out of the blue ,it felt staged with her baiting the kids and left after a hour, I say kids but they are 14 up to 19. She is living in spain,with a man who she was texting for about 3 months before.

I'm 57 and there is just so much guilt ,shame, hurt, trauma.

She trauma bonded me over and over i can see that clearly, and i know it all comes from my childhood ,there is a dark place that just is black pain that i cannot go through. i just cry and it just goes black and the pain becomes unbearable so i have to pull back.
 
I get anxiety attacks most days [well i think it is anxiety] but break down and cry. I have been surviving on diazepam , which i beg off the doctors and have to ration myself on and propranolol which i don't know if it actually does anything. I sleep 5 hours with zopiclone or diazepam or 2 hours with nothing.

I have a therapist who i see once a week who says i am au adhd but i am still waiting for am official diagnose, i have worked some stuff out ,i am an empath as 2 of my children are and since my wife left i am not numb and can feel again.

I go to a salsa dance class once a week which is emotionally exhausting but i am using to try to socialise ,i find when i hold someone's hands i can feel their emotions. Sometimes i get overwhelmed by their strength.
Although i think people probably see me as a wreck close to a breakdown, i feel i am in a better place than i have been most of my life. I feel i have finally found the right path . I have a picture of what has happened and why, but continually question reality. So that is me i think.

As for family both my parents are dead ,my mother discarded my father 8 years before he died and died a couple of 5 years before him .I have 2 brothers one the golden child kept the family system going abusing my father until he died. I was the scapegoat and have nothing to do with any of my family and they have nothing to do with me.

I have 6 children 36 years down to 14 years, lots of autism, adhd and trauma, but the oldest 2 are very close and the youngest 4 are close. My wife always kept them apart, but now she has gone they are connecting and for the first time i had all my children and grandchildren together .

I try to create a atmosphere of openness ,so everyone can express their feelings without worry , I am aware i grew up in such an abusive family, where feelings were never allowed, and my partners have been very damaging. When i look at the situations all i see is extreme narcissistic patterns.

I'm scared for the future, i'm scared for my children.

My wife is trauma bonding another bloke at the moment I am sure. It just fits. His elderly parents are dying and he is set to inherit a small fortune. I bet she will use having to marry to stay in the country,then discard .

In a couple of weeks she is coming back to turn her attention back on me and the kids, as she will be looking at the divorce settlement. That scares me.
 
So that is me and my family, 4 having regular therapy and all suffering from c ptsd, with me trying to support everyone ,surrounded by narcissistic people.

Both my partners came from terrible abusive places. My first is 10 weeks sober from a life of alcoholism - first attempt. Our children have no contact but keep track from a distance. My wife and i go between compassion and anger. She was the golden child then when her brother was born she got used as the scapegoat.  He was premature and very ill spending a lot of his childhood in hospital (it's hard to victimise an ill kid in hospital so he became the golden child).

So i always try to rescue  people and end up wondering if  i caused it all . I hate understanding stuff it doesn't change things it just gives me a feeling of hopelessness .

So that is why i am here trying to understand ,to grow ,to be happy and most of all to not be the reason other people end up here .


   

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

I'm sorry you have had so many difficulties in your life. It's good to read that you have a therapist and it sounds like you are a caring father/grandfather.

I wish you well on your journey towards healing.

[Papa Coco]

welcome to the forum, Mael,

I hope you find this to be as helpful a place as I've found it to be during my 2 years as a member. There are a lot of wonderful people in this community.

[Kizzie]

So that is why i am here trying to understand ,to grow ,to be happy and most of all to not be the reason other people end up here .

Those are the best goals for you and your family Mael, keep going!  Welcome to OOTS, I hope it helps you on your journey.

[Larry]

hi and welcome