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Aphotic · June 22, 2024, 11:25:26 PM

TW for the thread: Christmas and Overbearing FOO.

My FOO is planning to fly to my state for Christmas and it's kind of an implied given that they'll stay at my house for the holiday. I have several issues with this...

1. I live with chronic pain and CPTSD. My house is not... perfect. I do clean when I can, but I'm also no where near as diligent about it as my FOO who would spot a faint stain on the kitchen cabinet. So I'm just immediately dreading the fact that I'll have to spring clean my entire house, and my energy and pain levels be dammed - I HAVE to do it.

2. They have no consideration for my own situation, wants me to travel with them to other relatives in the state and have me coach there + I'd need to hire someone to look after my cats and that gets up to $300 (probably more than that because Christmas...) just to be out of my house for a few days. But my FOO doesn't care. They even want ME to book the coach and plan for my own inner-state trip that I don't even want to partake in. Maybe it would be easier if they paid me back the $6000 I loaned them last year...

3. Even if I could afford to be away from my cats, I get such extreme separation anxiety that it pretty much overrides any amount of leisure I might obtain from my time away. I live alone with my cats and they're the only close company I have. I've hired people to look after them for previous trips but even that didn't stop the anxiety. It's the kind of anxiety that completely clouds your senses and I spend half of my time checking my house cameras to ensure everything is okay. Without getting into details, I've had people breaking and entering before so hah, yeah... really, anxious is an underrated way to describe it all.

But despite all my complaints, I of course don't have a choice. Feeling so frustrated and tired and my heart is hurting. I wanted to start my Sunday relaxing but I have this knot in my chest now and my head is so fuzzy.

Kizzie · June 23, 2024, 03:46:31 PM

Quote from: Aphotic on June 22, 2024, 11:25:26 PMBut despite all my complaints, I of course don't have a choice. Feeling so frustrated and tired and my heart is hurting. I wanted to start my Sunday relaxing but I have this knot in my chest now and my head is so fuzzy.

Perhaps you do have a choice Aphotic but have just never considered that you can say "No" to them? It happens to many of us that we are enmeshed or trauma bound and our minds only react in the limited space abuse has created.

I was really frightened when I started saying no to my family but the sky did not fall and I did feel better, much freer and less burdened/anxious. IMO it's much better to live life on your terms and keep firm boundaries in place even if it's scary at first.

Chart · June 23, 2024, 04:27:49 PM

Perhaps that knot in your stomach is your body trying to communicate something. Do you have the time or ability to explore that? And seems like this has already happened before, in the past, but the situation has not really changed.

Confrontation can be one of the hardest things we ever do, but it's not automatically a bad thing. Perhaps that knot is suggesting you try something different.

Give yourself the time you need to work through it. And find support if you're willing and can. But until you listen to the messages your body and heart are sending,!it's likely they won't stop.

Congratulations on posting this question here. That's a big step forward in finding solutions!

Chart · June 23, 2024, 04:28:10 PM

Lakelynn · June 23, 2024, 07:43:41 PM

I will add my encouragement to think about choices.

Maybe consider the word, or idea of "clarifying" to get a conversation going. You can stop, continue or voice your own thoughts at any time. Adding my hug to Chart's.

AphoticAtramentous · June 24, 2024, 05:52:11 AM

Thank you all, your comments are very reassuring. I am out of whatever EF initially spawned the start of this thread and I can breathe a little more easily now. Even if I can't wiggle out of this all entirely, I'm sure I can - at the very least - establish some compromises! Saying 'no' is something I still definitely need to master, but maybe even just a 'yes, BUT!' is better than unconditionally accepting whatever they want me to do.

And although I do not enjoy the idea of seeing my parents, I wouldn't mind seeing my younger sister.

Also funnily, I was trying to recall if FOO had a variation for parents specifically, as in "parents-of-origin" and I immediately regret that acronym.

Someone do please enlighten me if there's a better term to use for parents that one grew up with.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Chart · June 24, 2024, 05:57:57 AM

Personally I find that acronym completely appropriate.

Beijaflor57 · June 25, 2024, 04:23:08 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on June 23, 2024, 03:46:31 PM
Quote from: Aphotic on June 22, 2024, 11:25:26 PMBut despite all my complaints, I of course don't have a choice. Feeling so frustrated and tired and my heart is hurting. I wanted to start my Sunday relaxing but I have this knot in my chest now and my head is so fuzzy.

Perhaps you do have a choice Aphotic but have just never considered that you can say "No" to them? It happens to many of us that we are enmeshed or trauma bound and our minds only react in the limited space abuse has created.

I was really frightened when I started saying no to my family but the sky did not fall and I did feel better, much freer and less burdened/anxious. IMO it's much better to live life on your terms and keep firm boundaries in place even if it's scary at first.

I'm with Kizzie on this. But, first, I can deeply empathize with your situation, Aphotic, also coming from an enmeshed family. For the longest time I thought I had no choice--that 'no' wasn't an option, until it dawned on me, like some divine epiphany, that, actually, I do have a choice.

And so do you, even if it feels like you don't. It's definitely scary and uncomfortable when you first say no, or put your foot down, and one has to deal with the guilt-tripping, and all the shame and other uncomfortable feelings that your family members dump on you, but it gets easier the more you do it. The sky doesn't fall, as Kizzie said, and you learn you have more power and agency than you thought you did.

But be gentle with yourself. Do what you feel is best for you.

AphoticAtramentous · June 26, 2024, 05:20:05 AM

Quote from: Beijaflor57 on June 25, 2024, 04:23:08 PMI'm with Kizzie on this. But, first, I can deeply empathize with your situation, Aphotic, also coming from an enmeshed family. For the longest time I thought I had no choice--that 'no' wasn't an option, until it dawned on me, like some divine epiphany, that, actually, I do have a choice.

And so do you, even if it feels like you don't. It's definitely scary and uncomfortable when you first say no, or put your foot down, and one has to deal with the guilt-tripping, and all the shame and other uncomfortable feelings that your family members dump on you, but it gets easier the more you do it. The sky doesn't fall, as Kizzie said, and you learn you have more power and agency than you thought you did.

But be gentle with yourself. Do what you feel is best for you.

Thank you kindly, Beijaflor. Your reassurance is greatly appreciated!

Regards,
Aphotic.

Blueberry · June 26, 2024, 03:06:34 PM

Quote from: Beijaflor57 on June 25, 2024, 04:23:08 PM
Quote from: Kizzie on June 23, 2024, 03:46:31 PM
Quote from: Aphotic on June 22, 2024, 11:25:26 PMBut despite all my complaints, I of course don't have a choice. Feeling so frustrated and tired and my heart is hurting. I wanted to start my Sunday relaxing but I have this knot in my chest now and my head is so fuzzy.

Perhaps you do have a choice Aphotic but have just never considered that you can say "No" to them? It happens to many of us that we are enmeshed or trauma bound and our minds only react in the limited space abuse has created.

I was really frightened when I started saying no to my family but the sky did not fall and I did feel better, much freer and less burdened/anxious. IMO it's much better to live life on your terms and keep firm boundaries in place even if it's scary at first.

I'm with Kizzie on this. But, first, I can deeply empathize with your situation, Aphotic, also coming from an enmeshed family. For the longest time I thought I had no choice--that 'no' wasn't an option, until it dawned on me, like some divine epiphany, that, actually, I do have a choice.

And so do you, even if it feels like you don't. It's definitely scary and uncomfortable when you first say no, or put your foot down, and one has to deal with the guilt-tripping, and all the shame and other uncomfortable feelings that your family members dump on you, but it gets easier the more you do it. The sky doesn't fall, as Kizzie said, and you learn you have more power and agency than you thought you did.

Papa Coco · June 26, 2024, 04:50:01 PM

Aphotic,

I know how it feels to be between that rock and hard place with family.

It's easy for those of us who are looking in to say, "You have the power to say no." And while that may be true, knowing that you have the power to say no doesn't mean you are required to use that power if you're not emotionally ready to use it.

I was twelve years of age when I started wanting to say no to my family. I was fifty years of age when I finally had taken enough of their abuse to actually act on what I'd always wanted to do. For me it was too late to start saying no, and I was forced to go No Contact in order to just stop the abuse dead in its tracks. Leaving them became easy after I'd taken all I could take, but for 38 years I wasn't ready. For those 38 years of letting them take over my holidays and steel from me and tell lies about me to keep my life in chaos, I mistakenly believed that I couldn't say no to them. The truth was that I could have, and I should have, but I wouldn't have.

KNOWING you can say no to your family is the first step. You don't have to take that step, but it feels good knowing you can if you want to.

"I choose to not say no" feels more empowering than "I can't say no". And when we start to believe in our own power, the world reacts.

When my sons were in Junior High, they started getting bullied. So I enrolled them into martial arts classes. They took to the martial arts very quickly, and within only the first few lessons, both boys reported that the bullying had stopped. Neither of them ever acted on their martial arts skills, but at the very moment that they knew they had the power to defend themselves, the bullies somehow sensed it and stopped being attracted to them. The boys KNEW they could fight back, even though they never had to.

I believe that when we truly grasp that we have the power to defend ourselves against our families that they sense it the same way the bullies in the school hallways sensed it in my sons.

Knowing I have a choice to say no is better than believing I have no choice. Even if I don't say no, at least I know it's my choice to not say it.

AphoticAtramentous · June 27, 2024, 06:21:53 AM

Thank you kindly Papa Coco, I do have to constantly remind myself I'm an adult now with a bit more free agency. Sorry you had to deal with so much crud from your family for all that time!

Quote from: Papa Coco on June 26, 2024, 04:50:01 PMWhen my sons were in Junior High, they started getting bullied. So I enrolled them into martial arts classes. They took to the martial arts very quickly, and within only the first few lessons, both boys reported that the bullying had stopped. Neither of them ever acted on their martial arts skills, but at the very moment that they knew they had the power to defend themselves, the bullies somehow sensed it and stopped being attracted to them. The boys KNEW they could fight back, even though they never had to.

Confidence in one's abilities, yes! Need to be more sure of myself, which will in turn reflect in my body behaviour, which then in turn will influence those around me. That will also help quite a bit!

Regards,
Aphotic.