Where do I belong?

[Dalloway]

This feeling is stuck with me, well, all my life as far as I can remember. Recovery work, healing and learning, awareness - these are the things my life is centered around, I couldn´t find anything more meaningful if I tried, but this feeling, this unease and burden is stronger then all the healing and learning, at least I feel this way right now. I´ve always been very impatient and gave up immediately after the first problem or challenge appeared, so maybe that´s why I feel hopeless in this case, too. Because the bad things were present in my life more persistently and for a longer time than healing.

This persistent feeling is that I don´t belong anywhere. Especially now, in the summer, when I look out my window or have a walk outside, I can see that everything is calm, bright and beautiful, it feels like everything is in the right place. Everything but me. 

When I think about it, the rational part of my mind knows that it´s not about my worthlessness, but about my trauma. That I was forced to grow up very early, be an adult in a child´s body, without being able to go through all the important steps which the child needs to the healthy development of her individual self. I was thrown in at the deep end and had to swim, but now I don´t feel like I learned how to swim. I learned only how to survive, but that´s not swimming, it´s just instinct. So yeah, I know that I´m confused and can´t find my place in the world because my self is a distorted mass of traumatic events and hard feelings I cannot understand from the child´s perspective even if I´m an adult now - but understanding doesn´t make it go away.

And now, it feels like it is the other way around like it used to be -- I was and adult child, but now I´m a childish adult. Of course I am, it was unhealthy to take on adult responsibilities before the time was right and now   I´m stuck with these two versions of me -- a child that was not allowed to be a child and an adult that didn´t learn properly how to be an adult. 

All my life I´ve been jealous of people who seemed to stand on the ground firmly, certain of the fact that THEY BELONG. I never felt that. And I think this is something that is at least partly responsible for lots of other unpleasant things, for example my lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. How could I have those things when the "self" part is something I never knew - I don´t even know if I have a self (I don´t think about it in a Buddhist sense of selflessness, more in a psychoanalytical way, in which there IS a self - in normal circumstances), because I was never taught that I have one, that I´m an independent person with boundaries and all. And without it, I feel like I´m not able to face the challenges and the uncertainty of the life, which leads me to shy away from life itself. It manifests in inability to take risks and chances and it makes me feel SO DESPERATE. Because I know that I´m smart and capable and eager to do good things for myself and for other people in the world, I just can´t make the first few steps. I´m stuck with this burden and feel like I´m a prisoner of my own mind and traumatic memories. 

  Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get this off my chest a little. Also, I will be glad if you decide to share your thoughts with me on this. 

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry you have this feeling Dalloway, so many of us have it and it's unfair and unrealistic and yet there it is inside of us. 

I don't know if this will help, but you do belong here.  And I hope as happened with me and many others as you post and members respond that they get it you don't feel different and that you do have a community where you fit in perfectly. 

It may take a bit of time to feel that but if you stick with it you may notice you are feeling less alien and different. That's my hope for you 

[Cascade]

[AphoticAtramentous]

I´m stuck with these two versions of me -- a child that was not allowed to be a child and an adult that didn´t learn properly how to be an adult. 

A powerful statement, and one I'm sure many here see their own reflection in, including myself.
I wish I could offer more solace but I too struggle with the isolation that you express, however - I hear you and I really do wish the best for you.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

 

[Cascade]

Hi Dalloway,
Thank you so much for taking the time to express yourself.  Your post was so full of emotion and well stated.  I feel very much the same ways.

Yes, the trauma was the root cause.  Yes, there is worthlessness in there.  Yes, my thinking mind understands this, too.  The emotions are a whole other ball of wax, which isn't the easiest medium to work with, shape, and remold.  We have to sculpt it, melt it, freeze it, push it, poke it, prod it, let it sit for a while, and seemingly start all over again.


Again, your honesty and self-exposure here are much appreciated.  I'm sorry you're feeling all this.  I hope we can find community and belonging here together.
   -Cascade

[Beijaflor57]

All my life I´ve been jealous of people who seemed to stand on the ground firmly, certain of the fact that THEY BELONG. I never felt that. And I think this is something that is at least partly responsible for lots of other unpleasant things, for example my lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. How could I have those things when the "self" part is something I never knew - I don´t even know if I have a self (I don´t think about it in a Buddhist sense of selflessness, more in a psychoanalytical way, in which there IS a self - in normal circumstances), because I was never taught that I have one, that I´m an independent person with boundaries and all. And without it, I feel like I´m not able to face the challenges and the uncertainty of the life, which leads me to shy away from life itself. It manifests in inability to take risks and chances and it makes me feel SO DESPERATE. Because I know that I´m smart and capable and eager to do good things for myself and for other people in the world, I just can´t make the first few steps. I´m stuck with this burden and feel like I´m a prisoner of my own mind and traumatic memories. 

This could be me writing this...I relate to so much of what you shared, Dalloway. Particularly the feeling that I never belong, lacking self-esteem and self-confidence, and feeling like "I'm a prisoner of my own mind and traumatic memories."

But I noticed that you also recognized that you are "smart and capable and eager to do good things..."

Don't let go of that. That says a lot about you and the kind of person you are, and that whatever's been done to you, or whatever you've been through, it hasn't stolen the essence of who you are.

I also want to share, from my own experience, that the times I DID face my fears, and take risks--even when I failed--are times I don't regret. If nothing else, I learned from my mistakes. No matter our pace, or if it's just taking baby steps, I believe we each have the potential to conquer the things that hold us back.

Not sure if that's helpful, but know you're in good company here...

[Dalloway]

Thank you all for your kind words and support, it means a lot to me knowing that people do care and are here for each other. Being part of this beautiful community is one of the best things that ever happened to me and the best therapy one could ask for. I´m grateful and proud of us all 

[Chart]

 
 

[Stillost]

Dalloway, everything you wrote resonates within me! I often wonder who I am. How much of my "self" is just my programmed reactions that kept me safe then. Do I do things because I want to, or because I think it's what I should do? How can you be yourself when you don't know who you are?

Thank you for putting your feelings out there.

[Dalloway]

Stillost, yes, I very much relate to what you´re writing about the self. This has been the most difficult thing to come to terms with in my life - the concept of "true" or "authentic" self, which for me is SOO hard to recognize because - as you also mentioned - I can´t separate my actions and behaviors from my traumas. Sometimes I think that if I peeled off all the layers from myself and my history, nothing would remain, because somehow I am who I am together with these past events and experiences, but it´s still very frustrating. I feel helpless thinking about my "personality" and how it evolved under the pressure from an outside "power" or source.
So yes, it´s a mess to figure out where do your traumatic inprints end and where do you begin 

[Desert Flower]

I just wanna say I feel for you too Dalloway and I understand what you're feeling, like so many of us here.

For me it has to do with being able to stay in my body somehow. Feel grounded. That's when I feel I belong. Safe and trouble-free. Usually for just short moments. But we can practice. I know it's hard though. Just never feeling good enough. Or in a doubt whether we're good enough.

At the moment I cannot really talk though, I am in a bit of a difficult situation, trying to hold on, observing what's going on here and trying to stay present. When I have the opportunity, I will try to get back on it.

[Dalloway]

Desert Flower, I´m sorry you´re in a difficult situation. I really appreciate your thoughts on belonging, what you wrote about grounding yourself in the body sounds very interesting. I´m glad there´s something you found useful.

[Desert Flower]

 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Sometimes I think that if I peeled off all the layers from myself and my history, nothing would remain, because somehow I am who I am together with these past events and experiences, but it´s still very frustrating. I feel helpless thinking about my "personality" and how it evolved under the pressure from an outside "power" or source.

You seem to speak directly from my own heart, Dalloway. I understand your frustrations.

Regards,
Aphotic.