Introduction

[_Magpie]

Hi all,

I'm new here. I'm several years into my healing journey, and while I've come a long way since I started, I'm looking for additional support from people who get what I've gone through. Not everyone does, and that makes it difficult to connect with people.

My childhood was fraught with abuse from basically everyone in my family and emotional and physical neglect. Anyone who knows what ACEs are will cringe when I tell you my ACE score is an 7/10. So, yeah, it was bad. I barely speak with anyone in my family as they were all abusive or forgot I even exist, including my bio father who I haven't seen since I was 4 and now denies that he has any children. My mother has always favored my sister to an obnoxiously obvious degree and constantly throws me under the bus to protect her, even if it's at my expense. She's the only one I still communicate with once in a while, and I'm considering cutting off all contact with her as well.

Through adulthood so far, I've collected a lot more traumas: medical, therapy, sexual, emotional, to name a few. I've had to endure all of these hardships completely alone since I have almost no family to support me. Therapy has helped me to some extent, but I still feel lost and disconnected every day of my life. I find it incredibly hard to make friends. A few years ago I cut out some very toxic friends. The few friends that I do have left from that culling regularly blow me off or only contact me when they want something.

I struggle with depression and anxiety and, the past few years, a growing number of health issues. I feel like I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to according to my therapist, but I never feel any better. I feel like I exist, and that's it. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Thanks for reading!
Magpie

[Dalloway]

Welcome to the forum, Magpie.    According to what you shared, you went through a lot of challenges and hardship alone, that´s why I think you´re in the right place. This forum is a safe place, at least for me and I hope it will be something similar to you, too.
 

[Little2Nothing]

Magpie, I'm sorry for what you went through. You're among friends here. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum. I understand your difficulty in establishing friendships. I'm glad you were able to cut out those toxic ties. I know how hard that can be especially when you might feel a looming sense of loneliness. It's also good to hear you're in therapy. Progress can be hard to identify, but just remember to take things one step at a time. Hope you can find some comfort here.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Beijaflor57]

Welcome, Magpie. You're among like-minded folk here, who can relate to many of your struggles. I can relate to the loneliness bit and struggling to make friends. It's tough.

I hope you find this forum helpful in your healing journey. 

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us and wish you well as you continue on the road to healing.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Magpie. I'm so sorry for all that you have gone through and continue to struggle with. I do hope it will help you to belong to this community and know you are not as alone.  We really do "get it" and are supportive and caring so I think you will find it helps in your recovery.

[Papa Coco]

Welcome to the forum, Magpie,

I agree with all the comments from other members; being in the presence of others who understand what it means to be who we are after having been raised as scapegoats by narcissists and selfish people is good for our healing.

I went full No Contact with my entire family, including any family friends or distant relatives who might know them. I just got tired of being ambushed by relatives who were in the gossip circle with my narcissistic dad, sister and brother.

In order to get the narcissists out of my life, I had to break communication with anyone who would believe their lies and then judge me as "the problem" in our family.

I broke all contact 14 years ago. Healing began to take hold right away.

While I was still letting them hurt me, therapy was only keeping me from self-destruction. After I walked away from the abuse, Therapy began to make permanent improvements in my self-image. I started saying, "you can't start healing from a train crash until after the train stops crashing." That's how I view my life. I spent fifty years in a train that just kept rolling down the hill. Therapy only kept me alive while abusers kept tearing me down.

Now that I've gotten off the train of my family's abuse, therapy is helping. It's teaching me how to live on my own terms now that I'm no longer being forced to defend myself all day long every day by abusive family.

It's hard though to walk away from family. It is something only you will know when it's the right thing to do. I wanted to walk away from them ever since I was 12 years old. I waited until I was 50. They finally became so ugly that even I couldn't love them anymore. If I'd have tried to go No Contact before I was ready, I'd have suffered more than I did. So when the time is right, you'll know it. And it feels really good to have my narcissistic family no longer able to reach me so they can blame ME for all THEIR shortcomings.

[Chart]

Welcome Magpie, so sorry to hear your story. But confident you will find here on the Forum understanding and comprehension for all those incomprehensible things you've survived.