This could be considered sexual abuse or sexual assault?

Andy9934 · June 24, 2024, 11:48:30 PM

Hi, i dont talk much here and frankly its very much a shame for me talking about this but it's making me feel so bad and confused about things

A warning, this have a lot of uncomfortable situations that I will describe it that may be sexual assault. I still don't know very well, I was talking to a friend about it and how it makes me uncomfortable and she freaked out a bit.

So context, I was sexually abused by my grandfather at 6 or 7 and told my mother immediately. She believed me it looked like but we lived with him and didn't have what to do until later.

I was also sexually abused by my step father during years but never told my mom, and she looks like she doesn't know, even if that man did things like slap my * in front of her or talk about my body.

The situations that I don't know what it is, it's with my mother. She is always kinda creepy, she married my step father when she was 36 and him 19 or 20, she kissed my sis-in-law's brother and a friend of my brother. They were all +18 but really younger than her. I have someone who told me she kissed/slept with a woman one time. (I'm female)

She until today do things that are weird (I still live with her but finally got my first job so maybe I can get out soon) If I'm passing by her she will slap my * or like put the hands in my hips pulling me to her in a weird way. She talks about my body a lot and if I don't want to change clothes in front of her on porpoise she gets mad. Until I was 15 she made me kiss her in the mouth (not full French kisses just minor ones) and until today she jokes sometimes about kissing me.

Things she did since i was younger or a kid, she insinuated a lot about her sexual life to me, showed me products from sex shops and even tried to take me to one being a minor a lot, she showed me her sexy costumes like nurse or etc. She on porpoise talked to me like "put your headphones, we're going to the bedroom" so she could have sex with my step father knowing I would know about it.

Also at least one time that I remember I wake up as a kid in the middle of the night and she was having loud sex with my step father and I called her, she just told me to sleep and a little later continued to have sex.

Since always, with my dad (who died when I was 6) they would watch movies with sexual scenes when I was in the room and at least make out (I was a kid don't remember much but my sister in law that is 10 years older than me knew him for a bit and told me about it)

She also would shower with me until a lot later than needed and loves taking her clothes in the middle of the house and sometimes joke about her body.

Idk if im overthinking, my friend say it was sexual abuse but maybe I'm exaggerating things, so could anyone tell me what this means???

AphoticAtramentous · June 25, 2024, 12:48:39 AM

I'm sorry you had to endure all this. It is definitely not something a parental figure should be doing to someone under their care.

I'm struggling with semantics right now so I cannot give you a definitive answer I'm afraid. However - you describe these set of circumstances to be uncomfortable, understandably so. That alone is a massive indication that something isn't right, that the things you experienced were not appropriate. No child nor teen should have to go through the events you describe.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Little2Nothing · June 25, 2024, 11:41:57 AM

Andy, from my perspective anytime an adult does the things you describe it is sexual abuse. Those things are highly inappropriate and damaging to a child or teen.

I'm very sorry those things happened to you. You deserved better.

Kizzie · June 25, 2024, 03:02:45 PM

I have to agree that the things you describe are not at all what any parent should be doing to their child. I hope now that you have a job you can get out of that house and into your own place so you won't be constantly exposed to that kind of behaviour. Until then (and I know this can be hard), perhaps let her and your stepdad know when they do something that makes you uncomfortable, that it breaks your boundaries and you do not want them to do it again.

Good luck

Andy9934 · June 25, 2024, 03:54:32 PM

Thank you for the responses and about setting boundaries unfortunately thats a no. Saying full "no" or "stop" repeatedly guarantees me in the maximum some laughs or when I say I'm uncomfortable to things to my mother she doesn't care or say it's the way of my step father and it would hurt his feelings saying that. (And yeah, he act hurt if I try doing that)

Beijaflor57 · June 25, 2024, 04:08:42 PM

Andy, I'm so, so sorry you're in this situation. As someone who was molested and abused as a child, over a period of years, and by more than one person, I'd say what you've experienced definitely qualifies as sexual abuse. Your mother's behavior is highly inappropriate, at best.

It sounds like moving out is the only option that will allow you to enforce your boundaries. I hope that becomes available to you.

Best wishes...

Papa Coco · June 25, 2024, 05:03:14 PM

Andy

I agree that everything you disclosed above qualifies as sexual abuse. I'm sorry it has been such a presence in your life.

I hope that a day comes soon when you can get out of the house and live the rest of your life without your family putting that sexual tension in front of you all the time.

Until you are able to fix the situation, I think that by fully understanding and accepting the fact that these behaviors of your mom and others is actually sexual abuse, that you are already beginning to take control of your own self. The first step in healing is accepting that the abuse is wrong and you don't deserve it. From there, as you gain a personal strength to not accept what they're doing to you, healing begins to take hold.

I'm sorry to hear that they're doing this crapola to you, but I'm happy to see that you are taking the first step: you are acknowledging that you DO NOT DESERVE to be treated this way. That's empowering, but it's also you building upon a correct perspective. Accepting the abuse only keeps it going. Acknowledging that you don't deserve to be treated this way starts moving you toward healing.

Kizzie · June 27, 2024, 02:28:31 PM

Quote from: Andy9934 on June 25, 2024, 03:54:32 PMThank you for the responses and about setting boundaries unfortunately thats a no. Saying full "no" or "stop" repeatedly guarantees me in the maximum some laughs or when I say I'm uncomfortable to things to my mother she doesn't care or say it's the way of my step father and it would hurt his feelings saying that. (And yeah, he act hurt if I try doing that)

For sure this is how they may respond but if you keep firmly telling them you do NOt want them to behave they way they do, sooner or later it may get through to them, especially when they know we are serious. When people crash our boundaries we may have to repeat and be extra firm to let them know it's not funny or acceptable to you.

As for your stepfather, IMO he's gaming you when he says he's hurt that you have to ignore and tell him again (and again and again if necessary), it's not appropriate to behave as he does, that you do not want him to ever do anything like that again and just stand firm. Too bad if he is hurt, he is hurting you and it is your absolute right to tell him "No more!"

Blueberry · June 27, 2024, 04:42:06 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on June 27, 2024, 02:28:31 PM
Quote from: Andy9934 on June 25, 2024, 03:54:32 PMThank you for the responses and about setting boundaries unfortunately thats a no. Saying full "no" or "stop" repeatedly guarantees me in the maximum some laughs or when I say I'm uncomfortable to things to my mother she doesn't care or say it's the way of my step father and it would hurt his feelings saying that. (And yeah, he act hurt if I try doing that)

For sure this is how they may respond but if you keep firmly telling them you do NOt want them to behave they way they do, sooner or later it may get through to them, especially when they know we are serious. When people crash our boundaries we may have to repeat and be extra firm to let them know it's not funny or acceptable to you.

As for your stepfather, IMO he's gaming you when he says he's hurt that you have to ignore and tell him again (and again and again if necessary), it's not appropriate to behave as he does, that you do not want him to ever do anything like that again and just stand firm. Too bad if he is hurt, he is hurting you and it is your absolute right to tell him "No more!"

Andy, some of the sexual abuse done to you is similar to what was done to me, also by my mother. I'm female too. Some of it was done to my brothers too but they "don't remember". So yes, it was definitely abuse what happened to you. Even if it seemed to be "minor", it wasn't! The affects are not minor. Trauma is trauma. Boundary transgressions are boundary transgressions. Don't worry, it's pretty normal here on OOTS to think other members' trauma was worse than your own. Comparing doesn't help.

My family isn't too amenable to hearing "No" or "Stop" from me either. Their reactions haven't improved. I'm stronger internally. I've been various stages of No Contact, Low Contact, Re-Contact with some family mbrs until a number of years ago the Last Straw moment where I've been steadily more and more Very Low Contact with everybody. I would have made an exception for the minor children in FOO but my sibs weren't into that.

My experience with FOO who want to play games with you is: they don't change. My FOO actually pretended to change and I fell for it.

I wish it could turn out differently with you and your FOO...