Can't do this any more

[Ceit]

I've been having therapy and thought it would help till I realised that nothing would change - I will still be living a lie hiding this stuff that I had all my life since I was small. No one will know me, I will always have to fight to keep part of me hidden as the consequences of doing that would be huge on my family. He is dead but the damage stops with me. In therapy I find myself liking being able to 'myself' and don't want to go back to a life where I am constantly hiding part of myself so that the punishments don't rain down on me as threatened and my family aren't affected by this. It will die with me. Going forward with this - I'm just not doing it, so he wins. I will go on feeling put up with, as if I contaminate people, living in fear, etc etc, these things will overtake me again because part of this is never going to go......I cannot do this anymore....     

[Papa Coco]

Ceit

I remember believing that my family would suffer if I told them what I'd been through. I lived for 50 years keeping secrets because I believed THEY would be hurt if I told the truth.

In the end, they were all just as much a part of the abuse as "he" was. They took my ability to live my authentic self by making me live the life I believed they needed me to live.

I no longer do that with them. In fact, I walked away from all of them. If they can't love me for being who I am, then that's their damaged reality. I'm a good person. I suspect you are also a good person. Being a good person sometimes makes us an easy target for putting the blame for their crappy lives onto us so they can feel better about themselves.

Here, on this forum, you can be yourself. I can be myself. The people here know what it feels like to be blamed for our family's problems. You, me, and the others on this forum are here because we're the good in this world. We find ourselves struggling because we can't fully grasp the bad that's in the world. As we stand together, here on this forum, and anywhere else where we can connect with other good people, we begin to feel free to be ourselves around people who are like us.

I've told the people on this forum a lot of things about myself that I've never told anyone else. I hope we can be a place of safety for you to let your spirit speak its truth without fear of being called wrong.  My family always said "You shouldn't feel that way. Nobody meant to hurt you." The problem was that I DID feel that way, and the people in my family DID INDEED intend to hurt me with their words and accusations and rumors and lies.

Here on the forum, we are here for each other.

[Chart]

 
Sending support to you Ceit. Take your time. You're working through something very difficult and complex. Working in therapy will change things and slowly you will evolve new ideas and feelings. It's hard work, but it's about growing and healing and it will come.
Hope a hug is okay.
 

[Lakelynn]

Dear Ceit,

Starting therapy is a courageous move. And one which can be a total house of mirrors. In the beginning, you can be confronted with both good and not good. It's hard to live through emotions that have been carefully hidden and inaccessible.

I want to add my assurance it won't always be like this. Don't lose hope. Things get stirred up and the "water is muddy" at times. It makes us think nothing is going to change, ever, ever, ever.

It does. You can. We're here for you.

[Kizzie]

Ceit, can I just say that the responsibility for his abuse was his not yours and similarly any hurt to the family if you did not keep it a secret anymore would be his, not yours. Alternatively, if you can't bring yourself to tell any of your family then finding a group like this one in real life can help you to live more authentically and be able to talk about his abuse openly with fear of horrid consequences.  That way it will not poison you and it will not die with you.

You are on the right track coming here and having a therapist so keep going.  It can take time and that's not a bad thing, it helps your inner self leave the dark space it is closeted in safely, a little at a time so it doesn't overwhelm you.

Whatever path you choose we're here to provide support   

[Ceit]

Has anyone out there ever managed even a semi normal life after therapy?

[Little2Nothing]

Still in therapy after 2 years. I will say therapy has helped me greatly. I'm not sure what the outcome will be, or if it will be completely over. Time will tell. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Has anyone out there ever managed even a semi normal life after therapy?

Three years of therapy myself, it has definitely helped. There are of course still the occasional lows, but I feel that's an unavoidable part of life, therapy or not. If you feel like you are not making any progress with therapy, perhaps you could try tracking any little successes you come across? The problem is we humans tend not to notice small changes, and often times we may feel like something isn't progressing at all unless we see something extravagant.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Lakelynn]

finding a group like this one in real life can help you to live more authentically

Yes! This is where it might happen for you. It requires trust and vulnerability, perhaps the last thing you want to consider. It's easier on a forum like this and harder in real life because you are seen completely.

Has anyone out there ever managed even a semi normal life after therapy?

I'm weighing in to say it is not only possible, but has moments of joy and happiness. But for me, there is no "after" only ongoing. I'm coming up on the 9 year mark with my current T, and the 10 year mark on this forum. I've come and gone here several times, but realized that with this forum and my T, I can't live "semi normal" any other way. Support is what it's all about.

[Chart]

I've no idea what normal means. So many that could be construed as normal are perhaps not at all. The world we live in is so many things, such extremes from one end of the spectrum to the next. Cruelty to joy. I don't even think there is an "after". Buddhism is the only philosophy that even comes close to making sense to me, and I actually understand very little. Finding Inner Peace is an objective, but perhaps the road to this state "requires" intense suffering. I've no idea. But I understand the deep deep desire for the pain to stop. The hopelessness that pain instills, day after day, months... years. I was kinda normal for years. But when I look, I know it was always there. I had hardly any trauma memories so it was seemingly futile to work on it too much. I did a lot of work anyway. Then the ideas of what it really was came like a tidal wave. I found others who understood, really understood. I've very little left in my life but pain now. But I also am not at all the same person anymore. I guess I'm changing. Pain does do that, push us to change. Indeed, as Aphotic said, change and progress is so subtle. For sure we often don't see it. I've written about that before. Despite all the debate about terminology, I still prefer the term CPTSD. "Complex" simply being an understatement.