Exercise Support Thread Part 1

[dollyvee]

Thank you NK - I am over the moon to be out and healing! What a learning curve and goes to show you that sometimes you have to stick to your guns even when no one believes you. I spent years since I moved to the UK sick on and off. When I look back, I can see it corresponded to moving in and out of places where there was mold present (didn't have to be a lot and sometimes where I was the sickest, it didn't show, but am pretty sure it was behind the walls). Docs told me there's nothing wrong and it was all in my head, but I kept gaining weight and I knew something didn't feel right/as before. That's why the old adage of you're not working hard enough, or you're just not eating right, really grates on me. Of course, sometimes it can be true, but other times a lot of people have no idea what's going on with their bodies or what is making them ill. Rant over 

I was thinking about my lull with squats yesterday and maybe this is a good place to post it. I'm trying to work on leg strength and working on my biomechanics to fix knee cave. So, I've hit am impasse at 90kg. I guess my goal is 100kg, but I started thinking about why do I have that goal? Just to do something I couldn't do before? What's pushing me and motivating me to do this? All the people ie family who put me down over the years like I couldn't do something? And now I've projected this onto other people and therefore must do it? To show that I'm strong and they can't hurt me? If so, why am I fighting this battle and what does it say about me? When I would swim, it was about connecting to strength through the body and being in a sort of meditative space through movement. This feels different.

[Lakelynn]

Thanks for the sensitivity Chart. I realize the intent was funny and it was, for a moment. I do have doubts, like everybody else.

Let's make up. 

[Lakelynn]

dollyvee,

Your story about the mold hits a chord. Not in the way that you think, but in the patriarchal, MD/Father knows best way. How arrogant, self-centered, as if nothing could possibly be true other than their construct? I feel a huge rant coming on, so will squelch.

More importantly is the point that you knew something was wrong, although you couldn't pin point it. The eternal failing of Western modern medicine. And one that's stolen years of my life.

It's really valuable to think about our goals and motivations. Why this figure and not that? Yes, I think you're right on target with all those stated reasons. What jumps out is the element of "proving" and projection. Is this really for you, or for others' concept of you?

No idea, but I can see myself thinking along those lines.

Yesterday when I was doing the extensions, and my legs refused to cooperate like they did, (JUST the day before) I thought "OH, you SohBs, what the heck it wrong with you today??" Then I backed off and said, "All right, I'll do less." And only had to suffer through the last 3 in each set.

Honoring the body is fine, respecting is fine and wanting is fine. We can also add the thought, "I'll wait until you're ready." 

[NarcKiddo]

Dollyvee, I am familiar with chasing a number. Hats off to you and your squats. I struggle with not feeling safe doing squats, in spite of the safety bars, and I don't quite trust one of my knees. I always felt better doing it with my coach to spot me and when I get a power rack at home he'll be able to do that again. I did manage to get to 75kg on squats, which is my bodyweight, so that felt good. Deadlifts, on the other hand, I love and I remember being so, so happy when I could lift bodyweight, and again when I hit the 100kg. For me the 100kg was all about going into 3 figures which seems like a big deal. I'm back to chasing the 75kg, let alone the 100!

As why you do it? It's interesting to think about our "why", isn't it? The reason I stuck with strength training is because I found out I love how being strong makes me feel. It gives me a confidence boost that covers everything I do, not just gym work. My T is often helping me understand that I am no longer the small, defenceless child. I am an adult and I have agency. Being a fit, strong adult helps me remember that sometimes. And even when I was in hospital and was not a fit, strong adult at all, I had by then learned how to dig into what reserves I did have so I could hold my own when the medics were less than helpful. It has also taught me to know my own current limits. Striving to improve, while respecting where I am, has been valuable in many aspects of my life.

[Chart]

Thanks for the sensitivity Chart. I realize the intent was funny and it was, for a moment. I do have doubts, like everybody else.

Let's make up. 

Thanks for accepting my apology Lakelynn. I have a problem with always wanting to make jokes. Sometimes I take risks and that's not always a good thing.

Honoring the body is fine, respecting is fine and wanting is fine. We can also add the thought, "I'll wait until you're ready." 

This makes me think about my last therapy session. I had a pain in my right leg and my therapist suggested I ask my leg what's the problem. At the time I found this totally bizarre, but after actually going through with it, and literally asking my leg what the problem was, I discovered that my leg wants to travel. I know that might sound odd, but that's what came up. My therapist asked Where do you want to travel? And the answer that came out of my mouth was, India!
Therapy is weird sometimes.

[Lakelynn]

Chart, we don't routinely ask our bodies or parts what's wrong, but I think it can be very revealing. I'm glad you went with it!

Striving to improve, while respecting where I am, has been valuable in many aspects of my life.

NarcKiddo, this thought is so powerful and inspiring. Thanks for laying it all out.

[dollyvee]

Your story about the mold hits a chord. Not in the way that you think, but in the patriarchal, MD/Father knows best way.

This is interesting...what way did you think I thought it struck a chord? Because I would more likely be inclined to go with your stated way of looking at things. Though perhaps not "father," but "we" know best and you don't (which is interesting given my history with scapegoating).

And one that's stolen years of my life.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's really frustrating as I am well aware and how much like it was growing up where I'm standing out/up as the lone voice for what I know to be right, and having to convince/not having people believe me, try to blame me (you're not eating right), or it's just allergies etc etc

It's really valuable to think about our goals and motivations. Why this figure and not that? Yes, I think you're right on target with all those stated reasons. What jumps out is the element of "proving" and projection. Is this really for you, or for others' concept of you?

It is interesting and at the end of the day, the gym is a place where people are working out their issues to some degree. I feel like everyone there has some sort of idea about themselves or motivation for being there. I am quite patient with myself and listen to my body. I guess perhaps it's about honoring the body all the way through and not just until it gets better, so I can do the thing. I think perhaps if I were to slow down, I would find some feelings about having to live up to others (and my own, taking these on) expectations about what I'm doing, and whether I' "good enough." I think for so long too, I didn't push myself at all as there was this "fear" about life that was in my family. Along the lines of you can never make a mistake if you don't try (and then you won't be upsetting someone etc). I hope things go well with your leg extensions.

Dollyvee, I am familiar with chasing a number. Hats off to you and your squats.

Thank you NK. I hope you're able to power up to your 100kg again. Chasing the number is a funny thing, and you're right about honoring where we are now. I guess it's getting to the acceptance part of that and starting to realize why you're doing the things you're doing, and not just being on autopilot.

The reason I stuck with strength training is because I found out I love how being strong makes me feel. It gives me a confidence boost that covers everything I do, not just gym work. My T is often helping me understand that I am no longer the small, defenceless child. I am an adult and I have agency.

I agree with this. It's definitely helped me to see this as well and to see that I am capable of transformation in my life. It's not just "this is the way things are" which I think a lot of us experience growing up and with cptsd. I can enact postive changes in my life and in myself and it's not the doom and gloom outlook I have been told where everything is going to end badly, which I think helps me feel better about myself as well. Now, if I can just disengage from the scapegoating or whatever that subtle competition is that seems to come up at the gym, I'd be winning 

[Lakelynn]

dollyvee,

Whether it is unseen mold, psychic disturbances, or other intangibles, I firmly believe that certain people ("sensitive" empathetic, finely attuned, traumatized as a child) can sense and feel energies and microscopic airborne molecules. I lived under an airport flight path for 16 years. Not only noise, but exhaust and jet fuel particles were my daily diet.

I'm glad you didn't buy into your MD's diagnosis. When you know something is wrong, it IS. Keep up the progress and belief in yourself.

Your intuition is NEVER wrong.

Edited 8/18/24 to remove triggering personal narrative.

[Lakelynn]

Yesterday, I walked 2.4 miles, one way, all uphill. I burned serious calories and most importantly, my heart rate hit the peak zone of 134 bpm+ and stayed there.

[Chart]

 

[Lakelynn]

Walked those same miles and added another 1/4. This time early in the day, and it was pretty pleasant.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Walked those same miles and added another 1/4. This time early in the day, and it was pretty pleasant.

Amazing to hear. 

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Lakelynn]

Thank you Aphotic.

I am getting into the "groove" with this route. Did it again today. Somehow, I've started to like it. It's only really tough for about 15 minutes.

[Blueberry]

I have a lot of triggering around taking taking exercise...

Maybe the existence of this thread will help me do a little more and/or a little more often.

Maybe it's difficult to talk about but what is triggering about exercise for you? No pressure to discuss but I'd wager you're not alone.

I've found over the years here that I'm seldom absolutely alone...
However other than "must" and "should" are both triggering, I think more specific exercising triggers could derail the thread and might be better on a separate thread.

I've started a separate thread here: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16263.0

I put it on a Childhood board because that's obviously when my triggers got going.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Today will be the first day I go to a gym. Now the hard part - actually following through with my plan...
I have my gear and the gym access. I don't really have the motivation, but I think I just have to force myself to do it regardless. If I only exercise when I'm motivated then I'm only going to exercise like.. twice a month. 

Regards,
Aphotic.