My story and my struggle. Tw

[LilBrokenFae]

Good morning.

I'm waking up today from a long weekend shift, so I'm not at my best. I've been contemplating how to make this post and what to write that doesn't feel like melodramatic droll. I've never really had my mental health under control, despite years of trying to figure it out, medicate it, and doing my best to be well-rounded and active. I always land right back here, in this exhausted, sweaty spot, empty and hungry and tired of it.
I'm 37 and a mom of 3. 2 boys, 18 and 17, and a girl, 8. They've been my whole reason to keep it together since I was a teenager myself. My oldest is leaving next week for the Air Force. He's smart and funny and I'm so very proud of him.. but it feels like a huge part of my will to survive is going to be gone. I know not GONE but never the same again. It's over, his childhood. My 18 years with him. It hurts and I'm trying to let myself feel it and give it that space and respect so I can handle it like a normal human. I'm hoping that feeling things is the best way through them. Where is the line between feeling things and dwelling on them? Because I've been feeling things just fine since I was 8 and that doesn't make them any better. I didn't bury or hide my childhood trauma, but I wasn't honest about what it really was until a few years ago when I told my parents about my older brother and the years he used me for exploration. I finally brought it up honestly in therapy and I put him and his family through a cps checkup out of the blue. So I feel like the jerk. His secrets blew up and his wife stayed and now he's in therapy, so good for him. He'll be fine, he always is. He's the golden child.
Obviously I, however, harbor shame and resentment and all the things that come from csa and for some reason I feel like I can never be okay, not for long anyway.
I feel like broken is all I am and all I'll ever be. I've built and rebuilt myself and it always falls apart because it's forced. I'm in a stage now where all I've done is unmake and unmask and holy moly... it's nothing but darkness and bitterness underneath.
I need this forum. I need people who understand, if nothing else. Thank you guys for being here and for reading this.

-L

[Papa Coco]

LilBrokenFae,

Welcome to this community of like-minded people. When our children grow and go it's very emotionally taxing on us. I'm glad your son is such a fine young man, and I totally understand the sense of loss that he's all grown up now.

I believe you will find what you came here for, people who understand. Like you, I need this forum too. It feels amazing to me to have people I can talk with who already understand what I'm going through. I trust you will find that same thing as you interact with these awesome people here.

Welcome

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I'm glad you found us.

[Kizzie]

Hi LilBrokenFae and a warm welcome to OOTS. I'm glad you're here as it's a warm and supportive community with members who do understand what you're going through and will give you support, suggestions or just listen and acknowledge and validate what you say. 

One thing I felt as I was reading about your brother's abuse is how much you are NOT a jerk or anything close to that. You did not do anything shameful and really need to hear from others like us how proud we are that you did and that we hope you'll be at peace with it all one day. We need more people like you, we really do who despite how awful it is to say something do it anyway because it's truly awful not to say anything. I suspect if the therapy takes hold he will one day come to apologize to you as he should. That's the day when you will know 100% you do not own any shame or blame. You had the courage to speak up and that is no small thing.

As for your son leaving, it is difficult and I totally get how you're feeling. Big hug if that's OK 

[Little2Nothing]

Welcome LilBrokenFae, I'm sorry for the things you endured,  but am glad you found this forum. 

[Blueberry]

Hi LilBrokenFae,

Welcome to the forum

I really resonate with this:

I've never really had my mental health under control, despite years of trying to figure it out, medicate it, and doing my best to be well-rounded and active. I always land right back here, in this exhausted, sweaty spot, empty and hungry and tired of it.

Tho if I'm honest, I have made progress but at a time like now I just feel "Ugh! Will this ever end?!" plus "I'm so fed up".

I also resonate with

a huge part of my will to survive is going to be gone

I was actually only ever a mother to furbabies but I don't have any anymore due to so much exhaustion and idk what else that I can't look after them adequately. But my will to do many things including simply get out of bed is much reduced.

You are not a jerk for the abuse done to you, nor are you one for setting cps onto your brother. That was a very courageous act!

I'm not sure of the line between feeling things and dwelling on them. As a child, I didn't forget what was done to me especially the CSA but I lost the emotions connected to it (or possibly never felt them in the first place?). Healing would I suppose mean feeling those again, but only in a very controlled way in order to not re-flood myself, which has happened in the past and only pushed me further back. That's where window of tolerance comes in. I do have the experience that I no longer dwell on things so much when I've been able to express them and have that validated, a lot of which I've done in trauma-informed group therapy, but also here on the forum.

I need this forum too! I hope you find it as supportive as I do.

[Chart]

Hi LilBrokenFae,
Mine are 18, 16 and 11. Not the same, but close enough. Different stories for each, but the same power perhaps. On my side it's the 11 that is keeping me going, alive. But the juggling of Cptsd and raising kids is special in itself. If you feel you need this forum, please know the reverse is true too, You are valued here. We understand a lot, but dont know it all. Every new voice raises us a little higher. Glad to make your acquaintance. I've made more progress in nine months with supportive people here than 30 years of therapy and stumbling around on my own. You are among folk who understand.