New and Glad to Be Here

[Denverite]

Hello!

I'm a 41 year old man who has been on the healing path for quite some time. But I think I truly started running down this trail when I discovered what C-PTSD was. That was 3 years ago and I remember the relief I felt reading the descriptions. I finally knew what was wrong with me; why the CBT, meditation, and exposure therapy weren't really touching the core of my pain.

Since then, I've been using books, mindfulness, psychedelics, and honest conversations to make some headway. I'm still not where I'd like to be but I feel a little more hopeful with each passing month.

My story is long and triggering but the quick and dirty version is that I grew up in a home with emotional neglect and physical abuse. I was also sexually abused twice by strangers at a young age. As an adult, I was an immense people-pleaser and fully denied my emotions as hard as I could. I kept up the facade until I turned 25, when I basically burst into a flaming ball of anxiety and depression. 🤯 🔥 Then I spent another decade trying to "get over it already" until I became nearly suicidal at 35 and decided it was time to finally accept outside help.

Thankfully, the older I get, the more I can access self-compassion, kindness, and a realistic perspective of myself. I'm about to return to working with people after a 5-year hiatus of remote work and I'm terrified - but also hopeful that I can stand being with people again. Even if I have the occasional meltdown, relationships are where the growth is.

Nice to meet you! This forum looks like a great place for conversations and resources.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey Denverite,

Welcome to the forum! Glad to hear you're making progress with things, I wish you luck in returning to work! People can be a tad scary sometimes, so I definitely understand the anxiety there.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Hello Denverite,
Just to let you know you're not alone and your story's so brave, it gave me the chills. And there's actually nothing wrong with you, only with what happened to you.
Me, I somehow managed to keep on working all this time but I feel like I'm in the same boat as you, since I've only just recently started feeling what goes on in my body and mind (and not keep pushing it away) while I'm there. I'm trying to stay with whatever appears and I hope it will get better with practice, telling myself I'm not actually in danger anymore, I only feel that way. So good luck!

[Little2Nothing]

Welcome Denverite. You will find the folks here to be carring and helpful. 

[Papa Coco]

Welcome Denverite,

I'm glad you found this forum and I'm excited to read more from you.

Wow, your story could be my story. I resonate with every word. I'm 64 now, and have a past history almost identical to yours, including childhood sexual abuse, suicidality, a lifetime of being a people-pleaser, respecting everyone's else's right to be who they are, except for myself. I believed I needed to be who they needed me to be. I also had a late discovery of C-PTSD after decades of wrong therapies that didn't help but only made me feel more hopeless. Over the years I've participated in most of the therapies that are available to us, including psychedelics, hypnotherapy, energy work, massage, talk therapy, and I've read countless books on healing from trauma. Joining this forum is one of the best things I've done.

The road to recovery is long, but it's a good road to be on, and good to be on it with friends of like mind.

I hope this forum is good for you too. It's a kind, compassionate community of wonderful people, and I am glad to be able to welcome you to it here today.

PC

[Chart]

Hi Denverite, I related to a lot of what you spoke of. Welcome to the Forum.
-Chart

[Denverite]

Thank you all for the warm welcomes! After a day of feeling extra-capable at navigating my triggers, it made me smile to read each one. I hope to learn from you all and share some of the things I've found that have helped me heal. Happy 4th of July!

Me, I somehow managed to keep on working all this time but I feel like I'm in the same boat as you, since I've only just recently started feeling what goes on in my body and mind (and not keep pushing it away) while I'm there. I'm trying to stay with whatever appears and I hope it will get better with practice, telling myself I'm not actually in danger anymore, I only feel that way. So good luck!

Thank you, Desert Flower! I think you're just as brave for sticking it out in the workplace. I had to dip out when I thought I was literally insane...But as you said, I soon realized that there wasn't really anything wrong with me. That I was having a normal reaction to the very wrong things that happened to me. Keep on keeping on!

I'm 64 now, and have a past history almost identical to yours, including childhood sexual abuse, suicidality, a lifetime of being a people-pleaser, respecting everyone's else's right to be who they are, except for myself. I believed I needed to be who they needed me to be. I also had a late discovery of C-PTSD after decades of wrong therapies that didn't help but only made me feel more hopeless.

I'm really sorry to read that, Papa Coco. If there's one thing I'm grateful for, its that I discovered what C-PTSD is when I did. I read all kinds of stories from people who go even longer than I have living in pain...I don't know that I would have lasted that long. Thanks for the warm welcome!

[dollyvee]

Hi Denverite,

Welcome to the forum  I hope you find what you need here.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Desert Flower]

Thank you, Desert Flower! I think you're just as brave for sticking it out in the workplace. I had to dip out when I thought I was literally insane...

Well, honestly, I was on sick leave half the time it feels. Whenever the stress of not being good enough and feeling I didn't belong would get too much te bear. And nobody could figure out what was 'wrong with me'. All psychosomatic, I now know. So there you go. But thanks and keep going! I applaud you for getting back out there, even though it's scary.