Trauma response/reaction

[Kitz426]

I've been told that the harassment and abuse that I've been experiencing may quite possibly be a trauma response/reaction to initial frightening events that did happen and that I've been hearing things that aren't real due to the state of extreme stress and hypervigilance. It's frightening and confusing as if it's true then I can't trust my own mind to know what's real and what isn't anymore. I feel devastated as I made a report to the police and now I'm not going to be believed. Plus I'm now doubting and questioning everything. I don't feel safe in my own home and I'm incredibly suspicious of people when I'm out, I wax anyway but this has just made it even worse. My senses are in overdrive and it's really hard to deal with and understand. I'm told the way to get through this is to reduce my stress and convince myself that I'm safe but sadly that's easier said than done. I'm seeing my Dr for an emergency appointment today so hopefully something helpful will come from that. Just got to hang in there for now I guess.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Sorry to hear you've been experiencing this distress. Unfortunately I don't think anyone here can either confirm or deny the things you see/hear but booking a doctor's appointment was definitely the right call. I hope it goes well.

I've had various pseudohallucinations that come and go but it was always stress that brought them on. I concur though, it is easier said than done to reduce stress - just remember to be patient with yourself. Trying too hard to de-stress can unfortunately sometimes end up creating more stress!

Regardless of the origins of your experiences, these things are definitely manageable one way or another.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry this has happened and I am glad you are seeing your doctor.

My initial reaction to your post, however, is to wonder who suggested that your reaction to abuse and harassment was a trauma response and that you may have imagined aspects of it. Is the person a safe and trustworthy person?

I raise this point because my personal experience of trauma reaction certainly includes over-reaction and can involve jumping to conclusions but has never involved anything approaching a fabrication of events that did not happen. Only you can judge whether your trauma reaction might be more extreme, but you say you made a report to the police. I don't know you, but I don't think people generally report things to the police lightly. Especially not people with trauma backgrounds who (again only in my experience) tend to second-guess and doubt themselves.

So while I guess it is possible that you have misunderstood and may even have made an incorrect report to the police, my gut feeling is that you could be being misled. Either by yourself (and your fear that you will now not be believed) or by whoever has suggested you may be having a trauma response. Or both.

I wish you well as you unpick this, but please take a deep breath and think about it calmly before coming to any conclusion. You are doubting yourself and I am not at all sure that you have reason for that doubt. Not from what you have said here.

[Blueberry]

My initial reaction to your post, however, is to wonder who suggested that your reaction to abuse and harassment was a trauma response and that you may have imagined aspects of it.

 

I second the whole of NarcKiddo's post, mostly from experience, and I wish you well.

[Kitz426]

Thank you everyone for your responses I really appreciate it. I'm absolutely exhausted so just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply.

[Kitz426]

I saw my psychiatrist and he was great I was an emotional wreck as I'm not sure I believe that a proportion of this abuse and harassment hasn't been real. It was a very trusted person who made the suggestion that it was in fact a stress/trauma response and I was absolutely devastated at the time. And still am to be honest. My psychiatrist said that this hearing things that aren't there can happen to anyone under extreme stress and with my not sleeping too plus my amount of trauma had heightened sensitivity I'm more susceptible. I'm still struggling to believe that they are right though. Especially as since I called the police who came out as I heard threats being made, the harassment and abuse has lessened significantly. One of the hypotheses put forward for this is that I felt safer so was less frightened which they believe is what is feeding the possible hearing things that aren't real. But I disagree as I'm still frightened and hyper conscious of everything I do at home in my flat as the initial issue they had with me was that I was too noisy when all I was doing was activities of daily living and not sleeping at all well so up half the night which was a month ago. I believe that they are now being very careful about what they do because of the police presence. I'm still unsure whether to proceed with the police investigation or not at this point.

I'm coping by constantly listening to music through my headphones and pretty much living under my weighted blanket to feel as safe as possible but it's really limiting what I can do at home as I just feel frozen a lot of the time. It's an incredibly difficult situation to be in and I do t honestly know if the professionals are right or not. The posies are that I've been prescribed some medication to help with my sleep which has really helped so far and  they are looking into some urgent respite for me so I can have a break from this horrible situation and hopefully lower my stress levels. As things stand it's frightening and confusing hopefully things will improve.

[Chart]

Kitz, I've read through your posts here, but hesitated to respond immediately.

First, I am so sorry this is falling on you now and I can feel how horribly difficult this is for you. Everyone with developmental trauma struggles intensely with identifying what is "real" and what is "imagined". You are not alone in this feeling. You are truly NOT alone.

Second, this situation is 100% due to your Trauma. This is VERY important to remember.

This situation does NOT define who you are. "Real or not real", this situation is "Real" for you because your brain was not allowed to develop in a healthy manner due to abuse you suffered as a child and/or young adult.

You are experiencing a severe trauma response and it is imperative that you are kind, patient and loving to yourself as much as possible.

You have reached out for help and that was the right thing to do, so clearly you are operating on a certain level very clearly and logically. Further evidence of this fact is your intense feelings of guilt and doubt. These are the clear signs that you are coping as best you can with an extreme situation.

So please recognize that "real or not real" to your therapist/psy/police is actually of secondary importance. They will have to work to support or not what you are experiencing. This is their job. And sometimes that evidence is just not there. So they might base their decisions on what they cannot find evidence for.

BUT IT DOES NOT MEAN IT IS NOT REAL FOR YOU.

YOU need and deserve safety. So again, you have done the right thing in reporting your experiences and reaching out for help.

As you start to feel more secure, things will get easier and better. At that point you don't need to continue questioning THE REALITY of this experience as others might have perceived it.

But for you, and your healing process, you can confidently listen to your heart, mind and soul to accept your terribly difficult struggle at this moment. When you start to deeply listen and accept your pain is when your healing will really and truly begin to accelerate.

I promise you this! You are okay. Truly and deeply okay. Go into yourself to provide the love and support your inner self needs. You can do it. Talk with trusted others as much as you can. But also, trust yourself. You are NOT crazy, you are wounded, and your body and mind are calling for help. That's all.

Sending buckets and buckets of love and support. We are all rooting for you and will help as much as we can.

You are so brave.

Love, Chart

[Kitz426]

Thank you so much Chart for your thoughtful and kind response it really means a lot to me.

I sincerely hope that you're right as then it means that I am in fact safe even if I don't believe or feel it at the moment. I guess I need to accept this for what it is but as you said it has all been so real to me anyway. This is the first time I've experienced anything like this and it's extremely frightening, distressing and confusing to put it mildly.

You're absolutely I've been through a lot of trauma and abuse throughout my life and I can't deny its effects I live with them every single day. This seems an incredibly cruel twist to my ongoing struggle and there have been times that I've almost given up. But I'm still here and trying my best to fight back as best as I can.

I didn't know that people who struggle with developmental trauma often experience not knowing what's real or imagined so thank you for that insight as it's made me feel less like I'm actually going crazy.

You're right too that there is no evidence other than my own word which now doesn't look at all credible. Whatever decisions are going to be made you're right this has been and is very real for me and I guess that's what is most important. It is an extreme situation and I am doing my absolute best to cope with it. My care team are really good and have been really supportive and compassionate which really means so much. I'm very grateful to have them there to support me and I feel that they genuinely want to help me which makes me feel like I'm worth something and worth helping.

I will do my best to be patient with myself and the situation I'm experiencing and try to hold onto the hope as you've said that this will pass and in getting through this I hope to come out of it stronger and better placed to work on my healing.

I can't thank you enough for your reply you have no idea how much your words have helped me today. Sending so much love and gratitude to you. Thank you again.

Kitz

[Chart]

Kitz, I'm deeply touched that I can help. I truly feel your situation. Struggling to know what is reality, what is true and what is imagined, is just horrific.

My eldest daughter has recently told other members of my family that I inflicted trauma on her when she was younger. I am struggling to understand a hugely complex situation, all of which revolves around her experiences, and also my own trauma story. As with everything there are subtleties which are incredibly complex.

Two children can experience the same parental behavior and react very differently. One might say the experience was X, while the other remembers it differently. Where is the truth? How can we know the ultimate truth?

Authorities are no better than any other human at finding the truth. There are plenty of innocent people serving prison sentences.

Truth and "reality" are slippery fish.

This is why I feel it is critical to make the investigation of "what is really there" of SECOND importance.

First, we have to take care of ourselves, seeking help and working to make ourselves safe. We have to accept the reality our brains are presenting to us as signals that we are in pain and suffering and work first to change that immediate condition.

And this is VERY hard work indeed. But if we are not stable, safe and relatively calm, our brains will continue to function in survival mode and access to our prefrontal reasoning is EXTREMELY limited.

Trying to determine "reality" while in an intense Flashback is like trying to follow a cake recipe while under machine-gun fire... difficult...

But the other reality, the one that is causing you to suffer so much, the reality that you are a trauma survivor, this "reality" is not at all in doubt. So we have to accept and focus on this first. Doing this is the first step to healing.

Have you read Pete Walker's book, CPTSD-From Surviving to Thriving? If not it's probably the best place to start. And after there's lots of good stuff but that will depend specifically on what you want to focus on in your healing journey.

Glad to hear things are calming a little for you. Stay strong and keep hope. Much much love and support.

[dollyvee]

Hi Kitz,

I want to say that I'm sorry you're stressed and going through what you're going through.

Second of all, I'm pretty sure I've been in the same place as you. I also live in a flat and while I have never had direct threats, my neighbours are also not kind people, except for one. I even moved flats because of the upstairs neighbour's stomping around, which admittedly to me, seemed intentional. I've been there describing it to my t about how I understood their behaviour and having it seem like I was crazy for suggesting it.

My new neighbour stopped letting the postman in and/or refusing to accept any packages for me. She would also spend hours in the bathroom next to my bedroom at night, and there was the slamming of doors which I felt like was a retaliation in some ways. It's hard to describe unless you've been there. I've caught her snooping in my front door asking about cases and if I was moving, she's made comments about having my tv on too loud (when it's a normal volume), and I had tapping on my wall at odd hours in the night (granted this is sometimes the wind making noises, but not always). Now that I'vee returned from my vacation, I started waking at 5am every morning and am pretty sure it's because there'll be a thump on the wall. I even looked up getting a vibration meter. I've lived here for a few years now and if I were to say anyone is a narcissist, or a bit off, she is. I run a white noise machine in my bedroom and have worked on healing mold (which disrupts your nervous system), and both have helped, but I do not think everything was imagined or in my head. I think there are a lot of petty people in the world and they do act out especially if they can see that people are vulnerable. Not everyone, but I think sometimes it's not in our heads, and given a traumatic background, it's hard to let that go and not take it personally. I've tried to not react and gather as much factual information about these things as possible. Though sometimes easier said than done.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Kitz426]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this horrible situation with your daughter Chart. Sending so much love and support your way. I really hope that she is able to work through her difficulties and perceptions. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Thank you for sharing it with me it means a lot.

Being in this horrendous position of questioning reality, ours and that of others is beyond awful and so utterly confusing. I'm trying to do as you suggested and stop attempting to work out what is real and what isn't. I must admit that I feel very defeated right now and am trying to prioritise self care as best as I can. I have made myself leave my flat several times today and wander almost aimlessly to get away from the almost unbearable tension I feel when I'm at home. It has helped especially the sun when it's been out and the refreshing rain too. It's at least made me feel temporarily alive.

I have another appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow to discuss the situation and hopefully begin to put things in place to support me further so fingers crossed it's a helpful meeting. Whilst I feel supported I'm still suffering and really struggling and just wish that there was a known end to this living nightmare but I just need to be patient and look after myself the best I can for now.

I haven't read Pete Walker's book but I definitely will thank you for the recommendation I really appreciate it. My therapist is back from annual leave next week to hopefully I can begin the work I need to do to get through this.

I will keep hoping and dig deep into my resilience and strength. I've been through so much worse than this in the past so I can survive this too.

Much love and sending strength and support to you too.

Kitz

[Chart]

Kitz, I can't emphasize the importance of Pete Walker's book enough. It's enormously helpful on so many levels. This is not just my opinion. It's kinda become THE reference for breaking down, managing and starting to heal the symptoms of Cptsd. The writing is not spectacular but the content is phenomenally comprehensive, and it seems to always hit the mark. Even the multiple ways in which Cptsd can manifest depending on the context of the trauma. I fully intend to read it over and over (I kinda have to as my memory capacity is so wonky).

Doubting our reality is an extension of what Pete Walker calls the Inner Critic. The Inner Critic can take many forms, but in this case it's the constant Doubt. We question ourselves and everything. Guilt and shame follow right behind. It's incessant and horrible.

I spent eight months in constant "debate" regarding the "inappropriate behavior" of my ex-girlfriend.

What I CONSTANTLY had to do was repeat literally millions of times: It's NOT about her... it's about the baby (me) who was neglected and abandoned by his violent and abusive biological father. That terrified baby needs love and safety.

After eight months, using my imagination (and the Tapping technique) I was finally able to enter my old bedroom and take my infant self into my arms. It was incredibly powerful. I wept like a Roman fountain. Since that experience I've been immensely more successful with "thought-stopping". But the depression persists, so I know there is still much grieving still needing to be done. And I've yet to get a handle on the anxiety that still shuts me down on a near-daily basis.

The doubting of reality is insidious because we also have the trauma symptom of being denied our reality by our abusers. So we need to try to also believe and trust in ourselves. But the simple fact is that trauma changes the brain, so just as we have to fight the false realities our brain is sending us (like feeling worthless) we also have to question ALL the information coming in through those filters. This is where outside (trusted) help is so important.

And, personally, I usually now "put the question of reality" on a holding shelf. Rather I ask the question: What is this anxiety REALLY pushing me towards? It's not the perceived lies of my eldest daughter... it's rather my own immense  insecurity that goes back decades to a terrified infant me.

Good for you to get out of your apartment. Sunshine, even rain is so much better than obsessing inside.

It's hard to share, but ultimately really good for me too. I and You are not alone. Thanks 🙏
-Chart
Ps. I might sound confident in my posts, everywhere on the forum, but the honest truth is that my brain is MUSH. I don't care. Au contraire, WRITING forces my brain to work. It's like exercise, intense and difficult. Writing on the forum is my trauma-mushed-brain rehabilitation program. I mostly feel guilty and sorry for the folks reading my weird sorry stories. But I am so grateful because it seems to be one of the main things that is really helping me heal...
Much love
🙏 🙏

[Kitz426]

I want to say that I'm sorry you're stressed and going through what you're going through.

Second of all, I'm pretty sure I've been in the same place as you. I also live in a flat and while I have never had direct threats, my neighbours are also not kind people, except for one. I even moved flats because of the upstairs neighbour's stomping around, which admittedly to me, seemed intentional. I've been there describing it to my t about how I understood their behaviour and having it seem like I was crazy for suggesting it.

Thank you Dolly. I'm so sorry that you're also having problems with your neighbours I really feel for you. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to cope with the situation you're in and whilst it must be extremely challenging and difficult you are trying to be understanding too which makes you the bigger person in all this.

This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your neighbour they seem to have serious problems themselves. You're just trying to live your life and sound like a very considerate person. I know from personal experience how awful a situation like this is so sending you much love and support.

Kitz

[Kitz426]

Kitz, I can't emphasize the importance of Pete Walker's book enough. It's enormously helpful on so many levels. This is not just my opinion. It's kinda become THE reference for breaking down, managing and starting to heal the symptoms of Cptsd. The writing is not spectacular but the content is phenomenally comprehensive, and it seems to always hit the mark. Even the multiple ways in which Cptsd can manifest depending on the context of the trauma. I fully intend to read it over and over (I kinda have to as my memory capacity is so wonky).

Doubting our reality is an extension of what Pete Walker calls the Inner Critic. The Inner Critic can take many forms, but in this case it's the constant Doubt. We question ourselves and everything. Guilt and shame follow right behind. It's incessant and horrible.

Thank you so much Chart for your support and incredibly valuable insights. I've downloaded Pete Walker's book as an audiobook and started listening to it this morning what I've taken on board so far that it is that it seems like it is going to be really helpful and as you said is very comprehensive. I'm really hoping that it will help me in my healing journey. I guess time will tell.

You write beautifully despite your head being mush as you put it. And I'm so glad you've found an outlet to express yourself here.

As you've said doubting your reality comes from the inner critic and I most definitely have one of those. Nothing is ever good enough and it seems like I've almost internalised my mother's extreme criticism and you're so right about the guilt and shame it can be crippling at times. I feel really sad that you feel guilty for posting your experiences. You so deserve to be heard and sharing your experiences is incredibly rave so please continue to do so.

I'm so glad you've managed to put the question of reality on a holding shelf. I so hope that the situation with your daughter's perceived lies resolves itself at least in terms of how it's affecting you.

I think you were incredibly brave to go back into your childhood bedroom and grieve that child's experience. I know you have got much more grieving and processing to do as do I but I hope with the right help and support we will get there.

Thank you so much for your help and support sending so much love and strength your way

Kitz

[Chart]

Thanks Kitz, I've actually gone back and reread your initial posts. Again I feel this is important but not the top priority. That being said, my intuition regarding your experience with your neighbors is that you did indeed hear things very probably correctly (and as NarcKiddo also pointed out from the start). My reasoning though is because since you reported it to the police, it seems to have stopped. For what it's worth, for me this points to a pretty clear situation of you perceiving things pretty much right.

Pete Walker outlines in crisp detail Flashbacks. I'm guessing the situation with your neighbors was very real and initiated a severe Flashback for you.

So I think calling the police was the smart thing to do and shows you're actually operating on a pretty solid base regardless of the Flashback panic that set in immediately after these events.

What I've discovered over the course of my life is that I can usually come to the "truth" of a situation, but only after a certain amount of time given to my subconscious to sift through the minuscule details. Sometimes it only takes hours. But I pose the question to myself consciously and explicitly and then let it sit. Very often, a short time after, bing! the truth of the situation will come to me.

I'm going to hasard a guess that you are quite similar.

Hope your day today is more balanced and restful.

Peace and love, chart