So here I am, finally

[Desert Flower]

Finally then, at 52 pfff, I'm starting to acknowledge there is actually something not quite right with me. Or rather, not not quite right, not at all right with what happened to me. Not going into details here. I've been on a healing journey for some 17 years now, thought I was just highly sensitive for a while. But after a few big triggers and a difficult past 10 months or so, I finally figured out (by reading Pete Walker's book) I was having emotional flashbacks. All of this, the way I'm feeling now, relates to what happened when I was young. This is difficult to accept for me. I'm trying. But I've lost so much time in my life already, this makes me really sad. So, instead of trying to work this out all alone and pretending everything is just fine, I am now finally going to start therapy next week. And reaching out to you on this forum for support. Because I do need it. Glad you're here. Reading some  of your posts has finally given me the courage to post something myself. The key word here seems to be FINALLY. Lots of love to all of you.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, Desert Flower! Love your name. 

[Little2Nothing]

Welcome, Desert Flower!

[Papa Coco]

Welcome to the forum, Desert Flower,

I am very glad you found this forum. It sounds lonely, what you've been through. I'm glad that by reading some of the others' posts, you found the courage and freedom to write your introduction.

That's the beauty of finding a community of people who understand and support each other. Everything you've said that you feel, from the difficulty in dealing with accepting your past to the sadness of what you feel you've missed out on in life resonates with most of us here.

I like to say, "We're stronger together". I feel stronger because of the kindness and resonance on this forum. I sincerely hope the same happens for you now too.

I'm glad you joined. Welcome to this community of people who understand.

PC.

[Chart]

Hi Desert Flower, sounds like you're two or three years ahead of me in your healing journey. Age of course doesn't matter. That we finally awaken and find the courage to face our past is maybe the greatest barrier to overcome. That single step is for many, the hardest, and I know for many more, impossible. I've decided that my life begins now, awakening and facing the deep terror slumbering inside me. Life begins now and I will shape it differently this time. It is more and more clear what was wrong and what I experienced that no one should experience, let alone a newborn infant. I've pulled back the veil of mystery around my preverbal void of memory. Now I doubt no more. And as painful as things now are, I know I've finally faced the Truth. The future remains difficult to face. But I have at long last stopped running away. Healing and Life begins at any age. We will never give up.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum, Desert Flower.

thought I was just highly sensitive for a while. But after a few big triggers and a difficult past 10 months or so, I finally figured out (by reading Pete Walker's book) I was having emotional flashbacks.

I had the same revelation myself in my healing journey.

It's really great to hear you're starting therapy! It can be a little daunting at first, but it gets easier.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[dollyvee]

Hi Desert Flower,

Welcome to the forum  I hope you find what you need here.

Speaking from personal experience, it can be difficult to accept that we are not the invincible people we think we are, and that the people we needed to be to survive growing up are not always the best versions of ourselves. I think the second part is the most difficult as it's what kept us safe and hard to let go of. It sounds like you've taken a really big step in coming to terms with that. I hope you're able to find some space and find a way to be with that in a way that helps you on your healing journey.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Desert Flower]

Thank you everyone, I can't say how much your support means to me! 
So happy that we're here together.

Very powerful post @Chart.

[Denverite]

I've been on a healing journey for some 17 years now, thought I was just highly sensitive for a while.

Welcome Desert Flower! This resonated with me as I remember how different labels would arise with each passing year. First, I thought it was a Meyer-Briggs thing, then I read about highly sensitive people. Then I figured it was social anxiety, and finally I landed on C-PTSD. There's a gradual honing in that happens over time and I'm glad you've made this discovery for yourself.

[Chart]

Yeah, you picked up on something there that I kinda missed Denverite. Funny, I went through much the same as you both, probably lots of others too.

But for some strange reason I've the feeling that the search is over. Cptsd seems to really be where the buck stops.

That's okay, Developmental Trauma seems a vast mansion with millions of rooms, libraries, cellars, mirrored halls, and deep deep dungeons. We've got enough here to last us awhile yet. Glad I'm not alone stumbling around this haunted castle.

[Desert Flower]

But for some strange reason I've the feeling that the search is over. Cptsd seems to really be where the buck stops.

I have the same feeling Chart. I wouldn't know where else to look to bring so much insight. And thank you too Denverite.
And all of you here, stumbling around this haunted house, together.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome, Desert Flower. I like the idea Chart came up with for the haunted mansion. What I have found at OOTS is that no matter which area I stumble into there is always someone else there for company. Someone who gets it. I'm glad you're here too.