Dinner with an old friend

[Cascade]

Oh my, I just got a message from a dear high school friend that he'll be in town tomorrow for a day on business, and he asked if I wanted to catch up during dinner!

Well, absolutely, yes, but... I'm terrified.  Over the decades, our high school group has always been able to pick up with each other right where we left off, no matter how much time has passed.  Now though, with everything on my end being so raw, the entire world feels different.  I just keep telling myself, "It's only D, he's great, it will be fun, he has a great sense of humor and will make you laugh.  It will be good for you to get out with someone you already know and trust."

Except I'll have to behave myself.  We did some of our high school sexual exploration together, so there's already that history in our minds.  Then we went our separate ways but that pull and the teasing never died down.  We always said if things had been different, we might have ended up together.  Ugh, just too much.  Don't let any limerence mess everything up.  It's just a quick meal and he's leaving Tuesday morning.  Behave yourself.  He's probably still married.  Behave yourself, girl.  And even if he's not, behave anyway!

Sigh... he's the only one I ever felt safe with, even out of bed...

Stop it!  Behave!

Good grief, at least I only have 24 hours advance notice.  Then it'll be over before I know it, and just another meal during just another visit.  Thanks for letting me express my anxiety here!  Any advice, tips, and tricks are welcome.
  -Cascade

[Cascade]

Okay, I'm obsessing and my anxiety level is skyrocketing.  I might need to have a little talk with my inner teen.
   -Cascade

[Cascade]

Okay, after going in with compassion and recognizing her fear, here are some snippets of things I told the inner teen during our talk, then the writing gets more conversational.

• I/you/we deserve more than a one-night stand (even with D).
• Change the pattern.  Break the cycle.
• Be open and honest with only as much as you feel safe sharing.
• Giving in to desire would feed the cycle of shame.
• Focus on friends catching up, laughing, having a good time.  This should be fun!  Not filled with anxiety and shame.
• Relax, enjoy, be yourself.

Our father was wrong.  Everything he did to you and said to you was wrong.  I'm so sorry it took me so long to see, and to see how hurt you are.  I'm here now and will help you feel better.

D is my age now, so let me deal with him tomorrow night, okay?  Just two old people.  You could go to the mall.  She eyes me skeptically, "I don't know about this."  I ask why and she glances past The Wall.  Her wall, the one she built as my fierce protector.  I ask if she's afraid D will get behind the wall.  Oh.  Yep, that's it.  Hmmm...

Well, we're at the point where we have to face facts.  D's already inside the wall and always has been.  How about this?  He doesn't get to visit the inner sanctum tomorrow!  And I'm only going to share what I feel comfortable sharing, as the adult, with the other adult.  You don't need to worry or make any decisions about that.  I got it.
I got this.
I got you.

Hugs all around,
   -Cascade
 

[AphoticAtramentous]

And I'm only going to share what I feel comfortable sharing, as the adult, with the other adult.  You don't need to worry or make any decisions about that.  I got it.
I got this.
I got you.

Absolutely.
I hope it all goes well for you, Cascade. I know how anxiety inducing these things can be! Don't forget to take deep breaths! But I think it can be very valuable to indulge in some older connections, it's a good way to socialise and also a great way to connect with oneself from long ago.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope the meeting went well and that you enjoyed yourself. (Or that these things happen if the meeting has not yet taken place)

[Cascade]

Thanks so much, Aphotic and NarcKiddo!  Whew, I made it through.  And even enjoyed all the laughs.  We just did the hotel pickup, dinner, and hotel drop-off.  It was very superficial.  His take on depression is to have a hobby and keep your mind busy, so I knew CPTSD would be too much of a bite to chew.  The spark from long ago seemed more correctly in its place... nothing to be acted on and more like the memory it is.  It definitely helped that he's still married, lol!

I think it can be very valuable to indulge in some older connections, it's a good way to socialise and also a great way to connect with oneself from long ago.

Aphotic, I sure didn't expect to connect as much as I did with myself!  I suppose the strangest feeling this morning is that I could just enjoy his company as a person, even though there wasn't anything more involved, and I didn't get any sense of rejection.  I don't feel any shame!  Yay!

I still crave intimacy, but alas, I suppose it's not my time for that and he won't be the one for that.  I can dispose of all the romance scripts that came to mind over the last 36 hours.

Moving on with another day,
   -Cascade

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear things went well Cascade! Even your disappointment over a lack of romance you seem to be handling well so good on you.