Returning to the Forum

[rainydiary]

Hello All,

I was a member of the forum for a number of years and took an unexpected break from posting last year.  The year was getting to be too overwhelming and I found my participation to be draining my energy.  I am in a much better emotional and mental place than I was a year ago.

I am back because the topic of family is weighing really heavy for me right now.  I feel completely invalidated by many people for the approach I feel I need to take in managing my "relationship" to my own family and to my husband's family.  I also just generally feel this deep wound for the ways in which family has harmed me and how our society is constantly emphasizing how family is everything.

I hope to get support for the feelings that are coming up.  I think I finally found a therapist that will be supportive but there also isn't anything like folks that have shared experience.

[Kizzie]

Glad you have the energy to come back rainydiary, welcome!

Being at the forum can help a lot but it can also be draining, even triggering sometimes and that's when it is good to take a break. I describe those periods to my H as getting trauma'ed out. Not a real word but it's what I feel like from time to time.

It is a lot when the constant message we hear is that family is everything.  I feel the same way. Really and truly there are so many of us that don't feel this way I am hopeful the message will change to hold space for us. It will likely be if/when retailers figure out how to make $$ from us. Say something like t-shirts or car decals that say "I am estranged from my family but I am not strange."  Or "Families can be healthy or unhealthy: Mine comes down on the latter side"  Not overly clever but I'm sure some creative souls could come up with some good ones.

In the meantime, please know you are not alone in the feelings you have. 

[Desert Flower]

Welcome back Rainydiary. Yes, it can be overwhelming sometimes to be confronted with what's going on all the time. (Feeling my feelings all the times is draining and overwhelming to me too sometimes.) At times we just need to take a break and I think that's okay. And then after a while we are ready to share and connect again, however little we can.

My thoughts are like yours, when it comes to 'family'. I hate the whole concept, actually. I think 'family' is overrated, idealised and commercialised, especially around the holiday season (hate that concept too). And I suspect that underneath many a shiny exterior lurkes a much darker truth. I think it cannot be real in the way it's portrayed. When I met my husbands family for the first time, I felt so completely out of place, anxious and sad, because all of this nice looking exterior seemed so perfect to me and made me miss what I never had. As it turned out, very recently I learned that some of the experiences of my husbands' siblings were not so nice at all (some were like mine actually). It was never that perfect.

As for t-shirts, my brother and I used to indicate to each other, as a sort of joke of recognition, like there was a sign posted somewhere, but we could have printed it on a t-shirt: just the word "Different". We always felt different than how everybody else appeared to feel. And now I know why. And maybe it's okay we're different, that's just the way things are, I'm through trying to be like everybody else.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome back, Rainydiary.

I'm sorry you are struggling with family issues. I suppose in some ways family *is* everything - but I find that to be the case if the family is problematic. I don't think the good enough families expect to be everything. In those families people naturally support one another as and when necessary. But they allow freedom, too. The problem ones not only expect to be everything but consume our lives and our energy as we grapple with just the sort of issues you are currently facing.

[Armee]

Welcome back. I was just thinking of you this weekend and your experiences as a teacher. I was worried and hoping you were safe.

I hear you on the messages around family. That's only true for decent family.  Families like the ones we have and have been harmed by -  those are a different beast and people from decent families don't get that at all.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I also just generally feel this deep wound for the ways in which family has harmed me and how our society is constantly emphasizing how family is everything.

I feel this deeply too. It's a suffocating and alienating expectation that we see in every part of our lives. Being around others with family trauma, like those on this forum, really helps to feel less alone in that regards.

Glad to see you back, hope everything goes well with your therapy!

Say something like t-shirts or car decals that say "I am estranged from my family but I am not strange."  Or "Families can be healthy or unhealthy: Mine comes down on the latter side"

I like the joke "Get a black sheep girlfriend and you never have to meet her parents", would definitely get that on a shirt hah.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

Ah... "Family Values" as mentioned by every political candidate for President since Reagan... What a load of hooey! I hate that crap. I hear that AND the whole patriotic thing and I wanna retch. When comes the day when reality replaces rhetoric? Sure some families are good, but to unequivocally equate "family" with "good" is just infantile. It also shows the utter lack of awareness around Developmental Trauma...  Anyway welcome back Rainydiary. The ideas shared here about taking pauses from the forum are interesting too.

[Blueberry]

Hi rainydiary Welcome back. It's good to hear how much better you're doing than last year! But I'm sad to hear of problems with family, both your FOO and your H's FOO.

[Lakelynn]

hi Rainydiary,

Good to see you again. I came back too (3rd time). The pressure to accept society's view is strong and unrelenting. It's a struggle.

[rainydiary]

 

Thank you all for the support and welcome back.

[Bach]

Welcome back, rainy!  It's good to see you.  I'm glad that you're doing better and that you have a promising therapist.  Family stuff is haaaaaaaaard.  We are here for you