Rainy Journal 2025

[rainydiary]

Chart, safety is lacking and always has at work.  I am not sure exactly what will help but I am trying to sort that out.
......
I am not feeling very good about myself right now and want to try to get thoughts out before bed.

I had a lot more contact with other adults at work today and more contact with folks I am less familiar with.

My default in these situations is say things about others that while true probably aren't things I need to say out loud.

It makes me feel like a hypocrite for how upset I feel when these folks say things about kids.

It feels like a part of me can't accept that I am an adult and I still feel like a child.  And my doing this is a weird twisted coping mechanism of trying to keep the focus off of me.

I am trying to be gentle with myself.  And also identify ways I would like to shift this tendency.

[Desert Flower]

I'm sorry you're struggling so Rainy. Sending you lots of support. We're okay the way we are.

[sanmagic7]

an interesting note, rainy, that part of you is one way and part of you doesn't accept it.  something to think about, for sure.  i do hope you can be gentle w/ yourself - i think that's an important piece and so good that you can recognize it.  love and hugs

[Chart]

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you Desert Flower, San, and Chart.

I am coming here to write out something that just happened.

My husband has managing headaches and migraines.  I understand it is really hard and I am trying to be understanding.  Today is a day where is having a hard time.

I came home and am feeling a bit pressed for time because I am doing a work meeting and have an art class this evening. 

I generally am still doing the bulk of our daily household chores.  I normally would have not said anything and kept my need to myself. 

I decided to express my need for help to my husband.  He did not handle it well.  He got really defensive and then went off to the grocery store in a huff. 

I wasn't meaning that this needed to be today, so I guess a future aim would be to share a timeframe.

What I was trying to express was the need for help.  My underneath feeling is how annoyed I am that I feel like at times I am more like his mother than wife and partner, especially when he is sick. 

We do have separate things that we tend to be in charge of, but we need to increase communication.  Sometimes we have to do things when we aren't well, but overall I hope we can support each other.

At the same time, his reaction was childish and I would say at times he is taking advantage of my need for control. I am trying to not cave in or feeling too guilty for expressing myself. 

[Desert Flower]

It's hard to express what we need in a relationship Rainy and we're learning and I think you did well expressing your needs nonetheless, however it turned out. We will get better at it if we keep trying and you're trying all the time. I'm proud of you. Take care.

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, I appreciate the support and care.  I'll keep trying.
......
Today was hard.  My routine was all thrown off last night and it impacted my sleep.  I do think the art class will be interesting and I am glad I am doing it, but it will take a toll.

I survived the work day but am feeling low.  It always feels like I am not doing enough and not good enough.  Someone always wants something and the way forward is often unclear.

A lot of the day I felt this weird internal pressure which I think somewhat was a headache but it's also somewhat emotional pressure.

Hopefully I can relax this afternoon and evening and sleep well tonight.

[rainydiary]

Today has been a good day and I also continue to feel so much inner turmoil.

I am painfully aware of this deepest need I have to be loved and cared for as I am.

[Desert Flower]

Yes, you do deserve to be loved and cared for the way you are, absolutely!

[Papa Coco]

Rainy

I want to comment on your husband's annoyance about going to the store for you. I have to admit that I've done that a few times to my wife and to her mom. In 2003, we moved her mom in with us because she wasn't taking care of herself after losing her husband to a heart attack and then losing her son to a car accident. We moved her in becuase we knew she wouldn't live long if she stayed alone.  She was too young for assisted living. We had our house torn down and rebuilt so she could have her own kitchen, bedroom, bath, living room, front entry and slider onto our shared deck. I was now the only handy person in the house. Every little drip or flickering lightbulb or broken fence board was my responsibility to fix. I was a workaholic, writing novels, and caring for the yard and my half of the house. I admit that when poor old Mom needed to ask me to fix something, I had sort of made her afraid to ask me for help. I would get subtly annoyed. I'd huff. I'd get right on it in a kind of a pissy way.

Know that this didn't happen often. I was able to give her a very, very good life for the last 14 years of her time on the earth, but that is one thing I regret when I look back. I did act a bit childish when she needed help and I wasn't in the mood to deal. I eventually fixed everything she needed and she deeply appreciated it, but still...I acted a bit like your husband, and I wish I hadn't done that. it's how my dad was. He was ALWAYS angry when i needed help with anything at all. Somehow, I became a little bit like him.

In my bathroom remodel now, I just removed a beautiful, handmade medicine cabinet that my dad had made for us back in the 1990s. Mom was tired of him under foot all the time and kept asking us kids to find excuses to take him out of the house, or have him make stuff for us in his shop so she could have a few hours of alone time.  My wife asked him for a medicine cabinet. We thought that was a nice, inexpensive, lifelong piece we could have with his signature on it. He got angry. Huffed. "FINE!" he said. He went home and made it in a hurry and brought it to us still in a pissy mood. He did that with a lot of stuff, almost all of which I've hauled to the dump because it just made me angry and hurt to look at it. I have a choice to make now with this cabinet. Reuse it? Sell it? Give it to a friend? Or throw it away so I can stop remembering his anger at having had to make it for us.

I don't know if your husband had a father like mine, or if he just was hurting that day or what. But I can say that I have a lot of regret for the few times I did a bit of that to my Mother-In-law and my wife. I don't do it often. But I've done it maybe a half dozen times in my life and I know it really bothered them when I did it.

On behalf of men everywhere who do this>>> Sorry about that.

I used to love the Red Greene show out of Canada. The lodge he filmed from had a mantra that went:  "I'm a man. But I change. If I have to. I guess."

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, thank you. 
...
Papa Coco, I appreciate you sharing your experience.  I think a lot of the way my husband acts is unresolved stuff with his FOO.  He is exploring underlying stuff right now and is maybe not feeling his best.  Hopefully that exploration will help our relationship in the long run.
.........
I came here to write about a some instances of love I've experienced or witnessed lately.

The first is an imaginary one.  I am watching a TV show on Netflix called the Extraordinary Attorney Woo.  It is a Korean show about an autistic attorney.  In the show, there is a guy that likes Attorney Woo and his care and sweetness to her is really landing in my heart.

Another instance was this afternoon.  I had a meeting with a family I met with last year.  This family, to my trained CPTSD eye, has some family trauma going on.  I won't repeat what the child's grandparent said last year but it was something that made me feel really uneasy in the way this student was being treated at home.

I was dreading the meeting today for a variety of reasons.  Today it was apparent to me that this family has shifted since last year and seem to be healing. 

The grandparent was trying to not speak for her child who is the student's mom.  The grandparent said she is learning that her grandchild needs connection and that she tries to hug her grandchild more.  Nothing that happened was perfect but it was something I was happy to witness even though no one else realized I was witnessing it.

[Desert Flower]

Those are really nice things to witness Rainy. Things to warm your heart.

[rainydiary]

It is nice to notice good things Desert Flower.
......
Since it is a new month, I often have some goals for myself.  This month my goals are to rest when I need to and turn towards others.

I am going to call in sick to work tomorrow because I need that downtime and I don't have anything pressing to do.  Hopefully it can be a restful day.

I am thinking about what is next for me.  I might apply to the school district where I live.  I might just stick it out where I am depending on how other opportunities open up. 

I'm just feeling unhappy and not sure what make it better.  My unhappiness is both the same and different than it has been in the past.  I am not running away like I have in the past and also ever hopeful that I will find some like minded people to work with.

Today I was supporting a kindergarten class and one student asked if I would hold her hand.  I did for a while and then stopped because touch can be a lot.  I found it to be a precious moment because she advocated for herself, sought consent, and accepted my boundaries.  I think she just needed some support.

But I get self-conscious of how other adults would view my actions.  I operate so differently from my colleagues and I think they resent me for it.  I am feeling how much my colleagues don't like me right now.  I'm not sure that it's that they don't like me...I just am so different from them. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i wish you didn't have to endure that 'different' feeling w/ your colleagues.  i also wish they could recognize your unique ability to see things w/ the students that need to be seen.

glad to hear you'll be doing more to take care of yourself, like taking a day off.  i think that's an excellent way to show self-care.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San I do too.  I'm trying to not let it get me down but it is getting to me.  I'm trying to focus on the relationships that are working but it feels so overwhelming right now.
.........
My day off was not what I was expecting.  I had trouble getting to sleep last night and my cat woke me up too early.

I realized that what I needed more than rest was to get some things done that were weighing me down. 

I did go swimming which I enjoyed mostly.  I hadn't gone in a while so it wore me out more than I expected.

I'm not currently able to relax on a day I take off the same way as a weekend or "official" day off work.

Nothing particularly went wrong today beyond an annoying interaction I had with someone at the grocery store but I just felt off today.