Rainy Journal 2025

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I hope your Art class is enjoyable.  I am glad you enjoyed your swimming. 

It's so nice when a TV programme is enjoyable, and the series you're watching sounds very nice. 

Sorry that you had trouble getting off to sleep last night.  Plus being woken too early - that can really have an effect on the day. I hope you get a better night tonight.

 
Hope

[rainydiary]

Thank you Hope.  Sleep has been up and down but hopefully it will get back on track for a few days.  I'm trying to appreciate that I am enjoying things these days.
......
I am generally feeling frustration and dissatisfaction in my relationship with others.

I am overtired and may feel less overwhelmed in the morning.  But I just wish it wasn't so hard with other people.

[rainydiary]

Today (Sunday) is not feeling good.

I had an ok day on Saturday.  Today I just feel lousy physically and emotionally.

I can't figure out if I am getting sick or if this is hormonal changes after the procedure I had a few weeks ago.

I feel like I want to run and run and run away and be myself for as long as it takes.

I don't know why now but I just feel extreme distress over having poor attachment because of how my parents treated me.  It feels like there is this deep wound that will always hurt and I feel powerless to improve.

[Chart]

Hi Rainydiary, I'm sorry for you and for me. I feel much the same. I've been revisiting attachment theory this weekend and realizing the conditions that have brought me so much pain all my life. Seems I still have some work to do.
Sending hugs and support
 

[Desert Flower]

I'm sorry for you too Rainy and Chart as well. I know how it feels. Feeling crappy myself today. Take care as much as you can. 

[Chart]

Thanks DF. Perhaps there's some cosmic alignment somewhere and we're all on the same meridian. Whoever finds the exit first be sure to give the others a heads up where it is...
 

[rainydiary]

Chart, I hope we find as much healing as we can.

Desert Flower, I appreciate you checking in and hope you are finding moments of ease.
......

I didn't sleep well last night.  My mind wouldn't settle so I often felt like I wasn't sleeping even though I was. 

I have had really vivid dreams lately.  Sometimes in those times of vivid dreams important truth comes out.  A theme that has been coming up is a deep desire for connection.

Work was hard in that I had a lot of undesired interactions.  The one that made me most angry is how certain coworkers expect me to be happy.  They push that toxic positivity towards kids too.  I'm left feeling a bit shaken like I did something wrong for not wanting to talk about my weekend in a way deemed appropriate by someone who is too much in her interactions with kids.

The best part of today: I was walking to my car and recognized a student I work with in their car heading home.  It was the family I mentioned last week whose steps toward healing I witnessed.

Her grandmother stopped the car, rolled down the window, and waved at me with a huge smile.  I felt so seen.

I also felt so appreciated in that moment.  Last week I worked really hard to prepare some information for the student's parent.  I hope it is helpful to them.  That may be some of why the grandma waved.

This maybe sounds silly, but sometimes I see these moments as ways I am finding family. I hope they keep building because there is a lot of garbage I am still wading through.

[Desert Flower]

Hi Rainy, I recognize what you're saying about connection, being seen and toxic positivity.

[Chart]

Hey Rainy, Yes, some relieving healing would be really welcome. I was happy to hear about your feeling of recognition with the student's family you helped. That's a good moment. And yeah, people who "push" positivism really annoy me. It's actually one of the aspects of French culture that I really appreciate: a certain integrity to how they're really feeling. People say the French are often rude, but I find more often than not they're just expressing what they really think and feel.
    

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, thank you.

Chart, I definitely want to tell how it how it is but over time have gotten a lot of negative feedback.  I am trying to listen to that negativeness less because I don't think "keeping the peace" is always the right thing.
.........

I am really struggling today.

It seems that my husband has developed long COVID. 

I am trying to be supportive but am taking on more than I have previously. 

I am overwhelmed and grumpy and unhappy. 

Talking with others makes it worse because it feels like people don't understand the depth of what I feel.

I'm not sure what I need right now.

[rainydiary]

The past few days have been really challenging professionally and personally.

I'm feeling upset like I am backsliding.

I wasn't nice to my husband earlier today because I am overwhelmed and he keeps crossing boundaries I am trying to set.

I am taking the day off work tomorrow.  I don't think it will be restful and I mostly need it to take care of things around the house.

I feel like a huge hypocrite.  I work so hard to advocate for being accommodating of others at work and I can't even do it with my husband.

I think I am probably in some type of extended EF.  Over the years there have been different versions of unwellness for him.

In the past those times have been extremely hard and usually involved his family sticking their nose in our business and him "getting better" as soon as he got his way.

So I have an unfortunate habit of seeing his illness as somewhat overblown because it has been in the past.  I can't shake the impression that his body is dealing with trauma. 

We are in a different place than we have been in the past.  But it is still hard and I am really angry at him and at myself. It is helpful to recognize that I am probably in an EF. Hopefully that will help me find some rest.

[Desert Flower]

Hey Rainy, just wanted to say I'm with you.

I'm not feeling well at all myself but I just wanted to say I had long COVID and I can definitely say this was completely related to my trauma responses. If you ever want to exchange any information on that, just let me know.

I do still admire your awareness of everything that is going on. And I hope you will find some rest.

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

I just wanted to say that I think it's very self aware of you to realize that you might not be giving as much as you expect of other people. I also wanted to say that I think it's a sign of empathy and that your heart is probably working fine to give space to thoughts like that (as it shows concern for other people).

Long covid is a big, confusing thing that a lot of doctors don't seem to know very much about. In my readings about my own health issues, I have come across peoples' experiences with it as it correlates to some of my symptoms, but I don't believe I actually developed long covid. I've cut out a lot of inflammatory things for me (gluten is the big one), so I don't think I reacted as strongly to it. Although anecdotal and just their personal opinions, people found that the vaccine "woke up" latent mycotoxin, lyme, and/or other infections and activated MCAS/HI. All things doctors don't test of course, and which also then will fly under the radar. So, all your test results will be "fine." If you're interested, have a look at into histamine, and the underlying cause of why there is high histamine:

https://www.drbrianlum.com/post/long-covid-symptom-histamine-intolerance


These are some of the ones I came across, but you might find something else searching on the forum:

https://www.reddit.com/r/ToxicMoldExposure/s/80WpkNU50d

https://www.reddit.com/r/ToxicMoldExposure/s/vLHENIr8FK

All the best,
dolly

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, I appreciate you sharing your experience.  Thank you for supporting me.
...
Dolly, thank you for sharing your knowledge and research.  It is helpful to have this information.
.........
I ended up staying home from work which was helpful.  I have been busy but have done things that are important to me to get done.  One thing I think I will move toward is working part time in the future. 

Identifying that I was in an EF helped.  It took the energy out of the EF. I still haven't fully become present but I'm at least able to take better care.

I did mention to my husband that I was being activated by past events which he acknowledged as making sense.  It is a positive that we had that conversation because in the past we wouldn't have.

Something I realized the other day is that I have attachment wounds to heal in my relationship to my husband.  I have known that and have also not been able to deal with it.  Some of it is because of how he responds to my need for emotional processing of the wounding events and some of it is because I'm scared of healing.

I am noticing his interactions with his family about his illness.  I realized that this is one of the only ways they can relate to each other. They relate over being ill and being arrogant about all the things they know and how superior they are.  Meanwhile there is no emotional connection and no actual support.

It upsets me and frustrates me because he still interprets this as "support" from his "normal" family.  And because they do this and lack boundaries, he is used to having people just go along and make him the center of attention.

Some of our falling apart the other day is that he said I am stressing him out and he can't be stressed right now.  This really made me angry because he has no issue stressing me out and expecting me to hold it all together.  I don't want to be mean to my husband and also there is only so much one person can take especially when there are double standards.

And then we never return to and repair these moments. It's like it never happened in his mind but to me it is so very real.  Tons of moments like that have built up over time. 

I think that is some of why we also got stuck this week and is part of the attachment wounding.  I want to engage emotionally and he often doesn't know how to do that or just says I am stressing him out.

This leaves me feeling alone and questioning our relationship.  And leads me to fantasizing about someone else out there that would be a better fit for me.  And then I get upset because I don't want to be defined by a relationship and want to feel good as myself regardless of my relationship status. 

Some days it feels so hard to bear growing up in a family that didn't meet my needs and me repeating that pattern in marriage.  Many things have improved between my husband and I and yet there is still work to be done.

[rainydiary]

Whew, I have stirred up some old things inside.

Something that can be helpful to me is to write my future self a letter.

Today I was reflecting on the beginning of my relationship with my husband when we first met.

And in writing myself a letter I realized I needed to go further back for the hurt that is still present.  Back before I met him.

I found myself writing about college.  The hurt and trauma I experienced in college is something I haven't really faced.  Certainly there were specific things with my family as I still "lived" with them during breaks. 

But there were things that happened as a result of me making all of my own choices for the first time in my life.  And those choices were heavily influenced by growing up in an abusive home and also by being a young person who was gaining experience.

I am surprised by how much hurt I still carry from that time.  In so many ways I enjoyed my college time and I also didn't really acknowledge to myself the pain from then too. 

I think I am going to spend some time feeling the things coming up and remembering things from that time because it was a stepping stone on my way to my relationship with my husband.